March 25, 2013

An apology about New Zealand-England coverage

The media apologises for certain minor errors and misprints in reportage about the series so far

By all UK newspapers

Along with other commentators, we may have mistakenly given the impression that the England cricket team was among the very best in the world and merely had to turn up in New Zealand in order to secure a 3-0 series victory. Although this was not our intention, we now accept that articles such as "Why England's Enforcers Will Crush Kiwi Makeweights", "Two-Tier Test Cricket: Should Sorry New Zealand Be Relegated to Women's Cricket Division Two?" and "Shambolic Sheep Fanciers Will Bend the Knee to Cook's Heroes" may have suggested that the Test series was a forgone conclusion. This was not our intention, nor did we intend any disrespect to our New Zealand opponents, who we now accept are not "lucky just to be on the same field as the likes of Broady and Ian Bell".

Subsequently, features including "Why Split Coaching is Management Masterclass", "Joe Root Will Break Every One of Tendulkar's Records" and "Steven Finn: the Most Dangerous Man Alive" have been lightly re-edited to reflect recent developments. Click in the usual places to read "Andy Flower's Spineless Desertion Has Plunged Team Into Crisis", "Joe Root Should Never Be Allowed On Cricket Pitch Again" and "Steve Finn: the Most Hopeless Man Alive".

There was a slight misprint in a special pull-out booklet given away free with a recent edition. For "Alastair Cook: England's Greatest Ever Captain?" please read "Alastair Cook Must Resign Now".

With 11 wickets falling on day two and 11 wickets falling on day three of the Auckland Test, it must now be conceded that articles such as "Cowardly Kiwi Bottle Merchants Prepare Dead Pitch in Craven Attempt to Weasel Out With a Draw" might have been premature. This column has now been corrected to read "England's Pathetic Bowlers Don't Even Know How to Hold the Ball Properly Let Alone Bowl It", which we feel better reflects the balance of play. It now seems unlikely, as we had previously claimed, that "you could bowl at England's batsmen for a year on this pitch without taking a wicket" when in fact the correct interval between wickets would appear to be "about 20 balls or so".

However, we do stand fully behind our assessment that Australia are, as had been previously claimed, "absolutely toilet".

Check out Crickileaks - The Secret Ashes Diaries here

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