West Indies October 29, 2011

What should Chris Gayle apologise for?

For starters, for not using the correct pronoun
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Wednesday, 26th October Chris Gayle wants some clarification from the big cheeses at the WICB:

“They need to come clear and say what Chris Gayle should apologise for, and what should Chris Gayle retract.”

Well, for a start, I think he owes us all an apology for continually referring to himself in the third person. If people keep doing that, then Andrew Hughes is afraid that he won’t be able to work out who is saying what to whom. And if the WICB join in, the introduction of the third person plural could take us into new realms of bafflement.

Still, we’ve all been in Chris’ position: your partner makes it clear an apology is due, but you haven’t the foggiest idea what you are supposed to be apologising for. In such circumstances, asking for clarification rarely goes down well. If you want to stay in this relationship, Chris, Andrew Hughes’ advice is to send the WICB a big bunch of flowers with a little note saying: “V Sorry (for whatever). Love Chris. (Gayle).

Kisses are optional.

Thursday, 27th October Hashim Amla has said that he’d have to think about it if he was asked to be captain again. I don’t blame him. Who on earth would want such an awful job?

It is true that being South African skipper isn’t as demeaning as captaining a club side: Hashim almost certainly doesn’t have to ring around to find 11 fit players, stick his finger into the urn at lunch time to test the temperature of the tea or try to sober up a hungover Dale Steyn. But an international captain has his own burdens to bear: talking to journalists without punching them, constantly monitoring his players’ Twitter feed and trying to avoid Geoffrey Boycott at social functions.

If your team wins, the players get the credit. If they lose, it is because you didn’t have an extra cover for 20 minutes on the second morning, you bowled Herbert from the wrong end when everyone could plainly see that the prevailing breeze had changed from a westerly to a north-easterly, you lost the toss for the 13th time in a row, and both your handclapping and your cries of “Come on lads, let’s get stuck in!” were lacking in vigour and plausibility.

You can’t even measure a captain’s performance. There are no stats for “getting the best out of an ordinary bunch of professionals” or “always being one step ahead of the game”. You might be a tactical genius, an intuitive psychiatrist, a gifted diplomat and an inspirational speaker, but if your team is full of duffers, you’ll never win anything. Don Bradman, for example, was not the world’s greatest skipper, but he benefited hugely from the fact that he was able to call on the services of Don Bradman.

No, to become a captain you need to be part egomaniac, part masochist, but most importantly, you need to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. So Hashim, next time AB stubs his toe on the boundary rope while trying to catch a butterfly or sneezes over the grapefruit selection at the hotel’s breakfast buffet, start limping.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • Krish on November 1, 2011, 9:20 GMT

    Wonderful, amazing, brilliant!!! Move over, Mr. Zaltsman, Andrew Hughes is here!

  • tony on October 30, 2011, 5:32 GMT

    gud 1 andrew!!!! a nice article indeed!!!

  • Prafulla Surve on October 30, 2011, 5:29 GMT

    This is one of the best by Andrew Hughes and better than recent any of the recent ones from Zaltzman.

  • smuttyotty on October 30, 2011, 1:21 GMT

    Mr. Hughes, in case you haven't noticed it is the WICB that owes the cricketing public an apology for bad administration. This is what invoked Gayle's "insubordination". Also, that recent question by Gayle was more rhetorical. The joke is on you for not seeing that. Ditto ... you write too much; rubbish, that is!!!!

  • Nirav on October 30, 2011, 0:11 GMT

    I seriously cracked up at "Don Bradman, for example, was not the world’s greatest skipper, but he benefited hugely from the fact that he was able to call on the services of Don Bradman". Made my day that sentence.

  • Tim on October 29, 2011, 23:24 GMT

    I'm glad I wasn't the only person frustrated by Gayle talking in 3rd person.

  • Andrew Hughes on October 29, 2011, 22:14 GMT

    Thanks everyone for your kind words

    Shiva, comments are always very welcome, I read them all and appreciate people taking the time to make them.

    I take your point though. As soon as Sachin does something foolish, satireworthy or quirky, I'll be on it like a flash....

  • Keesomo on October 29, 2011, 19:31 GMT

    Loved the bit about Chris Gayle referring to himself in the third person......absolutely hilarious.

  • Shiva on October 29, 2011, 18:22 GMT

    The very few comments you receive for your lovely articles has probably got to do with the fact that you write too much.See Andy Zaltzman's frequency of blogging.Also make sure you include something about Sachin in every other blog and you will be flooded with comments from the pro- and anti-crowd.Of course,all this assumes you really do want comments....

  • Juz on October 29, 2011, 18:10 GMT

    Quite enjoyed the summary of "being captain". Loved the finish: "to become a captain you need to be part egomaniac, part masochist, but most importantly, you need to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

  • Krish on November 1, 2011, 9:20 GMT

    Wonderful, amazing, brilliant!!! Move over, Mr. Zaltsman, Andrew Hughes is here!

  • tony on October 30, 2011, 5:32 GMT

    gud 1 andrew!!!! a nice article indeed!!!

  • Prafulla Surve on October 30, 2011, 5:29 GMT

    This is one of the best by Andrew Hughes and better than recent any of the recent ones from Zaltzman.

  • smuttyotty on October 30, 2011, 1:21 GMT

    Mr. Hughes, in case you haven't noticed it is the WICB that owes the cricketing public an apology for bad administration. This is what invoked Gayle's "insubordination". Also, that recent question by Gayle was more rhetorical. The joke is on you for not seeing that. Ditto ... you write too much; rubbish, that is!!!!

  • Nirav on October 30, 2011, 0:11 GMT

    I seriously cracked up at "Don Bradman, for example, was not the world’s greatest skipper, but he benefited hugely from the fact that he was able to call on the services of Don Bradman". Made my day that sentence.

  • Tim on October 29, 2011, 23:24 GMT

    I'm glad I wasn't the only person frustrated by Gayle talking in 3rd person.

  • Andrew Hughes on October 29, 2011, 22:14 GMT

    Thanks everyone for your kind words

    Shiva, comments are always very welcome, I read them all and appreciate people taking the time to make them.

    I take your point though. As soon as Sachin does something foolish, satireworthy or quirky, I'll be on it like a flash....

  • Keesomo on October 29, 2011, 19:31 GMT

    Loved the bit about Chris Gayle referring to himself in the third person......absolutely hilarious.

  • Shiva on October 29, 2011, 18:22 GMT

    The very few comments you receive for your lovely articles has probably got to do with the fact that you write too much.See Andy Zaltzman's frequency of blogging.Also make sure you include something about Sachin in every other blog and you will be flooded with comments from the pro- and anti-crowd.Of course,all this assumes you really do want comments....

  • Juz on October 29, 2011, 18:10 GMT

    Quite enjoyed the summary of "being captain". Loved the finish: "to become a captain you need to be part egomaniac, part masochist, but most importantly, you need to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

  • Mitchell on October 29, 2011, 17:38 GMT

    Great article.

  • laxmangayle on October 29, 2011, 11:48 GMT

    my best player gayle is best of atom bomb in cricket world

  • G on October 29, 2011, 11:41 GMT

    Hilarious! Extremely well written!

  • sachin on October 29, 2011, 11:08 GMT

    try hard u can be funny

  • abcplayer on October 29, 2011, 10:06 GMT

    absolutely spiffing

  • Vimal on October 29, 2011, 9:46 GMT

    lol..this is a brilliantly funny article...good one, andrew!

  • Buzzy Leggie on October 29, 2011, 8:57 GMT

    "trying to avoid Geoffrey Boycott at social functions".

    GEM!!!

  • MOHAMMAD HANIFFA on October 29, 2011, 8:14 GMT

    Gayal is a one of the best betment in the world ,WICB Give the nother change to him correct the his falt

  • sunil on October 29, 2011, 7:09 GMT

    Hilarious.

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  • sunil on October 29, 2011, 7:09 GMT

    Hilarious.

  • MOHAMMAD HANIFFA on October 29, 2011, 8:14 GMT

    Gayal is a one of the best betment in the world ,WICB Give the nother change to him correct the his falt

  • Buzzy Leggie on October 29, 2011, 8:57 GMT

    "trying to avoid Geoffrey Boycott at social functions".

    GEM!!!

  • Vimal on October 29, 2011, 9:46 GMT

    lol..this is a brilliantly funny article...good one, andrew!

  • abcplayer on October 29, 2011, 10:06 GMT

    absolutely spiffing

  • sachin on October 29, 2011, 11:08 GMT

    try hard u can be funny

  • G on October 29, 2011, 11:41 GMT

    Hilarious! Extremely well written!

  • laxmangayle on October 29, 2011, 11:48 GMT

    my best player gayle is best of atom bomb in cricket world

  • Mitchell on October 29, 2011, 17:38 GMT

    Great article.

  • Juz on October 29, 2011, 18:10 GMT

    Quite enjoyed the summary of "being captain". Loved the finish: "to become a captain you need to be part egomaniac, part masochist, but most importantly, you need to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."