May 18, 2013

Why I don't really care about the Ashes

If you were wondering, the Ashes isn't the only thing happening in England this summer. New Zealand are here, and at this week's pre-Test cliché harvest, Alastair Cook promised to treat the non-Australian tourists with proper respect.

"There's absolutely no danger of us underestimating them, whoever they are. Thingy and Whatsisname are world-class batsmen and that tall chap whose name escapes me is one of the best in the game at whatever it is he does."

Even if they win, New Zealand can't win. Within minutes of Brendon McCullum lifting the Morrison-Mullally Shield you just know that Nasser will be itching to ask him about the Ashes implications of his series win. The Twin Ashes tower, like monstrous sky-scraping urn-shaped inflatables, has cast a stupefying shadow across the summer, and caused perfectly sensible people like Stuart Broad to come out with things like this:

"There's a big chance for us to make a huge amount of history."

Yes, the Ashes are so big, that even the history comes in super-sized portions.

Yet not all of us are salivating at the prospect of this Ashes Double-Pounder with extra large history fries and strawberry hypeshake. For some time I've had a guilty secret. Before you read the next sentence, you might want to check the children are out of the room, make sure the curtains are closed, and drape a tea cloth over the budgie's cage. You see, the thing is - and don't read this out loud - the thing is, I don't really care about the Ashes.

I know. I'm a traitor, a blasphemer, a disgrace. At least that's what my vicar said when I confessed my Ashes heresy to him. The Church of England is quite liberal when it comes to sin, but they take a very hard line on the fundamentals.

I don't hate the Ashes. It's cricket after all. I just don't care about it any more than I do about the Champions Trophy, the IPL, or the seventh one-day international between Bermuda and the Scilly Islands.

I used to care. My earliest Ashes memories are of eagerly poring over reports of the 1986-87 tour, although most of my subsequent Ashes memories involved Australians administering metaphorical spankings to figurative English cricket bottoms.

Yet at some point in 2005, between Rudi Koertzen and Billy Bowden removing the bails on the last day at The Oval, and Paul Collingwood picking up his MBE, I stopped caring. It might have been the flag-waving, the face-painting, and the endless replaying of "Jerusalem".

But mainly it's the hype: the tide of hyperbolic drivel has been rising with every Ashes series since 2005. Take the last tour: a well-drilled England team beat one of the feeblest Australian collectives ever to expectorate on palms in anger, and were hailed by the press as though they had successfully returned from Mars, bringing Elvis and Jesus back with them.

I like fruit cake, but if every time I turned on the television I saw someone yelling at me about how absolutely massive and utterly tastebud-blowingly sensational fruit cake was; if my newspapers were full of special fruit cake pull-outs; if my Twitter feed was full of sultana fans and raisin fans exchanging illiterate insults, and if every morning I was followed to the bathroom by Michael Vaughan and Shane Warne yelling, "Fruit cake! Fruit cake! Fruit cake! Are you looking forward to the fruit cake!" well then I might not be so keen on it.

So let's have a little bit of sober perspective. I suggest the following accurate if not particularly sexy billing for the forthcoming Anglo-Australian hostilities:

"The Ashes: It's the team who aren't as good as they thought they were, versus the team who probably are as bad as everyone says they are. You won't be able to miss it."

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • Insult_2_Injury on May 21, 2013, 3:28 GMT

    Nice to see someone else struggling with the 21st Century obligatory over the top promotion of every forthcoming 'event'. With TV sneak peeks of upcoming shows that will be cut in a week due to lack of interest, to 'greatest ever' Ashes promotion of already sold out Tests I just don't have the emotional energy left to see off the greatest football manager and greatest footballer to have left 'real' football for hollywoodball. Speaking of an articulate speaker like Becks; Broads comment & IPL Warner have also proven that their public speaking should be restricted to stump microphones.

  • on May 20, 2013, 7:40 GMT

    Thats a great piece, Andrew. Couldnt stop laughing. Couldnt stop thinking about the hyped-up events are made to look greater than the game.

  • on May 19, 2013, 19:18 GMT

    Back to back Ashes is a MASSIVE mistake. WHoever wins this summer might only have their hands on them for a few weeks. It's almost like England series is "Ashes prelude" and Aus series is "Real Ashes" whoever wins in England might keep them for barely 100 days. That's not what these series are supposed to be about. It cheapens the whole idea.

  • SLSup on May 19, 2013, 0:38 GMT

    What's the Ashes? Did someone just passed away?

  • yorkshirematt on May 18, 2013, 23:25 GMT

    It's the fact that it's back to back series that makes me less interested in this summer's offering. Whatever happens by the end of the home series it won't mean a thing three months later

  • Adeel9 on May 18, 2013, 19:59 GMT

    So are you renouncing your English citizenship voluntarily or will the authorities do it?

  • on May 18, 2013, 12:02 GMT

    Andrew, I wrote an email to cricket chums on just this point last Thursday. Prior described this Test against NZ as 'huge' in an interview on..........yep, SKY.

    SKY who SHOUT everything at us as if we are morons, unable to listen and come to a view ourselves.

    So, if this is huge, then I suppose the Ashes must be 'humungous', or maybe HUGE, and once they ramp it up a bit more as the series progresses 'HUMUNGOUSLY HUGE.

    Perspective and proportion are words, notions, that seem to play no part in the approach of the Murdoch empire.

    Clearly his 'humility' - as quoted to the Parliamentary committee - didn't last very long, or spread to those in charge of his product.

  • I-Like-Cricket on May 18, 2013, 9:36 GMT

    I kind of agree with Josh Cooper's last sentence. Though I'm an Aussie and realistically, any time England are beaten at anything is exciting enough for me, even if it's NZ who beat them

  • on May 18, 2013, 9:12 GMT

    BLASPHEMY!! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!

    No, to be fair, you make a good point. The Ashes are the one point in the cricket calendar when the hype gets close to Premiership football levels, and that's no good thing.

    But I still can't help myself caring more about beating the Aussies than any other team. Can't. It's the Ashes, innit?

  • Insult_2_Injury on May 21, 2013, 3:28 GMT

    Nice to see someone else struggling with the 21st Century obligatory over the top promotion of every forthcoming 'event'. With TV sneak peeks of upcoming shows that will be cut in a week due to lack of interest, to 'greatest ever' Ashes promotion of already sold out Tests I just don't have the emotional energy left to see off the greatest football manager and greatest footballer to have left 'real' football for hollywoodball. Speaking of an articulate speaker like Becks; Broads comment & IPL Warner have also proven that their public speaking should be restricted to stump microphones.

  • on May 20, 2013, 7:40 GMT

    Thats a great piece, Andrew. Couldnt stop laughing. Couldnt stop thinking about the hyped-up events are made to look greater than the game.

  • on May 19, 2013, 19:18 GMT

    Back to back Ashes is a MASSIVE mistake. WHoever wins this summer might only have their hands on them for a few weeks. It's almost like England series is "Ashes prelude" and Aus series is "Real Ashes" whoever wins in England might keep them for barely 100 days. That's not what these series are supposed to be about. It cheapens the whole idea.

  • SLSup on May 19, 2013, 0:38 GMT

    What's the Ashes? Did someone just passed away?

  • yorkshirematt on May 18, 2013, 23:25 GMT

    It's the fact that it's back to back series that makes me less interested in this summer's offering. Whatever happens by the end of the home series it won't mean a thing three months later

  • Adeel9 on May 18, 2013, 19:59 GMT

    So are you renouncing your English citizenship voluntarily or will the authorities do it?

  • on May 18, 2013, 12:02 GMT

    Andrew, I wrote an email to cricket chums on just this point last Thursday. Prior described this Test against NZ as 'huge' in an interview on..........yep, SKY.

    SKY who SHOUT everything at us as if we are morons, unable to listen and come to a view ourselves.

    So, if this is huge, then I suppose the Ashes must be 'humungous', or maybe HUGE, and once they ramp it up a bit more as the series progresses 'HUMUNGOUSLY HUGE.

    Perspective and proportion are words, notions, that seem to play no part in the approach of the Murdoch empire.

    Clearly his 'humility' - as quoted to the Parliamentary committee - didn't last very long, or spread to those in charge of his product.

  • I-Like-Cricket on May 18, 2013, 9:36 GMT

    I kind of agree with Josh Cooper's last sentence. Though I'm an Aussie and realistically, any time England are beaten at anything is exciting enough for me, even if it's NZ who beat them

  • on May 18, 2013, 9:12 GMT

    BLASPHEMY!! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!

    No, to be fair, you make a good point. The Ashes are the one point in the cricket calendar when the hype gets close to Premiership football levels, and that's no good thing.

    But I still can't help myself caring more about beating the Aussies than any other team. Can't. It's the Ashes, innit?

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  • on May 18, 2013, 9:12 GMT

    BLASPHEMY!! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!

    No, to be fair, you make a good point. The Ashes are the one point in the cricket calendar when the hype gets close to Premiership football levels, and that's no good thing.

    But I still can't help myself caring more about beating the Aussies than any other team. Can't. It's the Ashes, innit?

  • I-Like-Cricket on May 18, 2013, 9:36 GMT

    I kind of agree with Josh Cooper's last sentence. Though I'm an Aussie and realistically, any time England are beaten at anything is exciting enough for me, even if it's NZ who beat them

  • on May 18, 2013, 12:02 GMT

    Andrew, I wrote an email to cricket chums on just this point last Thursday. Prior described this Test against NZ as 'huge' in an interview on..........yep, SKY.

    SKY who SHOUT everything at us as if we are morons, unable to listen and come to a view ourselves.

    So, if this is huge, then I suppose the Ashes must be 'humungous', or maybe HUGE, and once they ramp it up a bit more as the series progresses 'HUMUNGOUSLY HUGE.

    Perspective and proportion are words, notions, that seem to play no part in the approach of the Murdoch empire.

    Clearly his 'humility' - as quoted to the Parliamentary committee - didn't last very long, or spread to those in charge of his product.

  • Adeel9 on May 18, 2013, 19:59 GMT

    So are you renouncing your English citizenship voluntarily or will the authorities do it?

  • yorkshirematt on May 18, 2013, 23:25 GMT

    It's the fact that it's back to back series that makes me less interested in this summer's offering. Whatever happens by the end of the home series it won't mean a thing three months later

  • SLSup on May 19, 2013, 0:38 GMT

    What's the Ashes? Did someone just passed away?

  • on May 19, 2013, 19:18 GMT

    Back to back Ashes is a MASSIVE mistake. WHoever wins this summer might only have their hands on them for a few weeks. It's almost like England series is "Ashes prelude" and Aus series is "Real Ashes" whoever wins in England might keep them for barely 100 days. That's not what these series are supposed to be about. It cheapens the whole idea.

  • on May 20, 2013, 7:40 GMT

    Thats a great piece, Andrew. Couldnt stop laughing. Couldnt stop thinking about the hyped-up events are made to look greater than the game.

  • Insult_2_Injury on May 21, 2013, 3:28 GMT

    Nice to see someone else struggling with the 21st Century obligatory over the top promotion of every forthcoming 'event'. With TV sneak peeks of upcoming shows that will be cut in a week due to lack of interest, to 'greatest ever' Ashes promotion of already sold out Tests I just don't have the emotional energy left to see off the greatest football manager and greatest footballer to have left 'real' football for hollywoodball. Speaking of an articulate speaker like Becks; Broads comment & IPL Warner have also proven that their public speaking should be restricted to stump microphones.