January 24, 2014

Agony Aunt

A psychological dissection of Kevin Pietersen

Trish Plunket
Composite: Mitchell Johnson and Chuck Norris
Mitchell Johnson v Chuck Norris: who'd win by a whisker?  © Getty Images, WireImage
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What is Kevin Pietersen's problem with England coaches? Psychologically dissect, please. asks Coach Me If You Can
Whatever Kevin Pietersen's multitude of problems are, they are all well beyond my pay grade. But that's no reason not to speculate. It could be the interesting issue that neither Andy Flower nor Kevin Pietersen hails from England, and thus they both engender a feeling of dissonance within the other as they remind each other of their relative status as outsiders.

Perhaps KP has a very unique form of obsessive-compulsive disorder where the only people he compulsively cannot get on with are England coaches and he must go out of his way to piss them off.

He could be dealing with oppositional-defiance disorder, or conduct disorder, which are mostly diagnosed in misbehaving children, but since Kevin occasionally seems to display that level of maturity it's a possibility.

However, the most likely psychological cause of friction between KP and his coaches is indicated by an over-inflated ego, an expectation that people will fall all over you, and an extreme dislike of being told what to do by anyone. This moderately rare condition is called Being a Professional Sportsman.

I recently broke the record for the fastest ODI century. But why did it leave an empty feeling in my soul? Is it because I've had a man-crush on Afridi forever? asks Bam Bam
Perhaps you weren't hugged enough as a child. Perhaps you weren't hugged enough post-match by your captain. Perhaps it is because you have seen your future, his name is Jacob Oram, and you realise that the likelihood of you sustaining enough match fitness to break your own record is about as great as the likelihood of any joke piece ever not referring to you as Barney Rubble. Sorry mate, it's just your face.

Your man-crush on Afridi, however, should leave an empty feeling in your soul, because it is a love that will never be. Mainly because by breaking his record you have pretty much ensured you will never be able to go to Pakistan without a very reasonable fear of death or severe maiming. They are possessive of Boom Boom and his records over there.

What do you think 2013 will be remembered for in cricket? asks Nostradamus 2.0
England playing Australia. Again and again, all of the time, until I never want to see any of them ever again, especially Mitchell Johnson and his stupid facial hair, or Ian Bell and his stupid face.

Not to mention more match-fixing, and more people absolutely losing their shit over match-fixing, including protests, burning effigies, and other stuff usually reserved for moments of serious political uprising. I'd say patronisingly that it's only a game, but I would be lying.

It'll also be remembered for the retirements of two of the greatest players ever: Sachin Tendulkar, whose final dismissal was so sad I think West Indies wished they could have messed it up on purpose; and Jacques Kallis, whose exploits will forever haunt Pakistani batsmen.

Has anyone tested Mitchell Johnson's moustache to see if it has any banned substances in it? asks Razor's Edge
Surely you could easily notice traces of white powder in a moustache that dark? That wasn't the banned substance you meant? Oh, well… Actually, I reckon Johnson has had that mo' tested, because the Australian Cricketers' Association will be trying to somehow clone both him and it in that cricketer-producing factory they have at the high performance centre in Perth.

(Side note: I want to see a fight between Johnson's mo' and Chuck Norris' beard to see which could take the title of "most bad-ass piece of facial hair to have ever inspired a meme".)

I'm a top-level international cricketer who would like to announce his retirement via Twitter. Can you tell me what is the punchiest and most memorable way to do it? asks Goodbye Is the Hardest Word
In one tweet? In a series of tweets? In a Twitpic? Perhaps you could take a picture of yourself giving your contract the finger and hope people work it out. If you wanted to be more poetic you could quit via haiku.

Willow on leather
My life for so many years
CRACK shall sound no more

Or you could get seriously drunk and just start Twitter-beefing with everyone you can find until, laughing maniacally, you can tweet "F*** YOUSE ALL I AM 500% DONE WITH THIS! #imretiring #toenjoymyIPL$$s #SUCKAHS" and @message your relevant cricketing body. (This will, of course, only work if you have IPL$$$s. Otherwise you'll just look a bit stupid.)

And really, this is 2014, you gotta get with the times. All the cool kids are using Snapchat now.

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Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man

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