February 7, 2014

Why KP was sacked

The ECB reveals all in a sensational, no-holds-barred press conference

"The ECB can only say at this point that the ball may or may not be on its way to the moon - if such a thing as the moon exists" © Getty Images

Lord's. A press conference. An ECB spokeswonk is shoved, kicking and screaming, onto the stage.

Spokeswonk: Members of the press, thanks for coming. I will read a short statement and then there will be time for a few questions afterwards.

Journalist: Would you like to give us an explanation about why Kevin Pietersen was sacked?

Spokeswonk: I'm afraid I can neither confirm nor deny that Kevin Pietersen is, was, has been or will be a member of the England cricket team.

Journalist: Sorry, are you saying that he was sacked for no reason? Or that there was a reason?

Spokeswonk: At this point in time I have been advised that, due to a confidentiality clause in place, I am unable to say whether there is such an entity as the England cricket team.

BBC Radio man: Never mind, I am sure the ECB has its excellent reasons.

Spokeswonk: Turning, then, to the matter of the alleged Kevin Pietersen, who may or may not have been sacked from the England cricket team that he may or may not have been a member of.

BBC Radio man: My wife's done a blog.

Spokeswonk: Well, that's great to hear. Turning, then, to the matter of the alleged Kevin Pietersen. Reaction to our statement about the reasons for alleged Kevin's alleged sideways repositioning, which may or may not have actually taken place, has been somewhat mixed. But we are pleased to say that a lot of positives have come out of this situation.

A noisy man interrupts.

Noisy man: Can I just say, speaking as a Celebrity Friend of Kevin, that this is all a terribly sad and utterly great opportunity for me to get my name out there to a new audience, I mean, a great opportunity for England cricket to move forward, with me playing a more integral role. I mean, a tragic loss for England cricket fans. Definitely a tragic loss, which they can hear more about on my various TV shows so don't forget to tune in. The real losers in all this are the ordinary, hard-working people who don't want to hear about me all the time.

Another Journalist: Keith Ratt, The Daily Git. Why was Kevin Pietersen sacked? Was he at any point rapped or blasted?

Spokeswonk: Had Kevin Pietersen been sacked, which would obviously have been contingent on him definitely existing, a fact that the ECB is not prepared to admit in this instance at this juncture in these good areas there's a lot of proud cricketers in that dressing room can I stop yet?

Yet Another Journalist: Sorry, can I just interrupt? Simon Broadsheet, the Sunday Smug. There's far too many of these so-called "fans" wanting to know what happened, which as far as I can see is the problem with modern life, i.e. everyone sticking their beak in rather than just reading my column and nodding politely. We can't possibly know what happened in the England cricket team, it's literally quite impossible for a well-connected former cricketer who is handsomely paid to report about cricket to have any idea whatsoever about what is going on with the national cricket team, so let's have no more of this nonsense. We just don't know the facts so up until the point that we do, we must just assume that it's all Kevin Pietersen's fault.

Spokeswonk: Excellent point, Simon, do help yourself to a biscuit.

Broadsheet: Don't mind if I do. I did hear, off the record, that Kevin Pietersen was very disruptive about biscuits and that Andy Flower had no option but to discipline him over unsanctioned dunking.

Spokeswonk: I cannot confirm or deny that. I can confirm that England are looking very seriously at their approach to team elevenses and that it was all definitely Kevin Pietersen's fault. If he of course exists, which under legal advice I cannot confirm.

Keith Ratt: Look, I didn't go to all the trouble of explaining to my editor what cricket is - using a slideshow of Jessica Taylor out of Liberty Spice's ten most embarrassing nip slips to prick his interest - only to leave here with nothing.

Spokeswonk: You won't be disappointed. I am allowed to reveal that there will be a full commission into the England team's biscuit-dunking strategy and that, in partnership with our partners, we are all looking very positively at the future.

BBC Man: I think it might be rather nice if I interviewed this biscuit for 40 minutes or so. So: when did you first start being a biscuit?

All quotes and "facts" here are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)
More undercover documents in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries at www.tyersandbeach.com