India finally come round to using video technology
Stunned and outraged at the failure of the ICC to do what was expected of it in the James Anderson case, India have at last agreed to implement video reviews in their matches. Never again will an Indian cricketer be sledged, sworn at or shoved without a video record of the incident.
In direct contravention of Indian wishes, Anderson was cleared by a judge for pushing Ravi Jadeja, in part because the Indian legal team were unable to produce footage of the incident. An 11th-hour submission of a video by the Indians turned out to be only a DVD entitled Wow, I Am Amazing directed by and starring Virat Kohli, but this was swiftly ruled to be inadmissible.
In contravention of recent precedent, Australians and Englishmen did not bend over backwards to give India exactly what they wanted - i.e. James Anderson banned and replaced in perpetuity by comedy's Jade Dernbach. The game's most powerful nation has said enough is enough.
"Obviously we didn't want videos when Sachin and the other legends were in the team in case they were accidentally given out lbw, or Viru's trousers split in an embarrassing manner and they put it on Candid Camera. But we must have video reviews so that we can win these sort of disciplinary cases in future," said a spokesman.
The Indian team has been increasingly appalled by Anderson's behaviour over recent years, which has included getting Indian batsmen out quite a lot and making Suresh Raina feel sad and frightened. They believe that technology is the only way he can be brought to justice.
"We demand that Anderson be followed by a drone camera at all times to catch him being naughty," said the spokesman.
"I heard he sometimes crosses the street without using a designated traffic light or crossing. From now on, he will be under constant CCTV surveillance, and then it'll be 'boom, thanks very much, here's a two-match ban for Level 3 jaywalking.'"
India were also annoyed that their recommendation for the presiding judge was overruled.
"We made the perfectly sensible suggestion that the proceedings should be overseen by Judge M Dhoni, but sadly that was rejected.
"I have no idea why. Clearly it would have been a much simpler, more efficient and economical process if we could have just had Judge Dhoni make a decision there and then."
Without video evidence, the case essentially came down to India's word against England's.
"That was the most outrageous bit of all," said the spokesman. "The agreement between President His Magnificent Excellency Srinivasan and Giles Clarke had been a much more satisfactory arrangement where BCCI gave its word and Mr Clarke said, 'Yeah, what they said, definitely'."
"The unavailability of pirate internet streams of this shoving incident is perhaps the biggest issue facing cricket today," concluded the spokesman. "From now on, we will be recording and reviewing everything that happens in the entire world, just in case, and Ravi Shastri has agreed to commentate constantly over video footage of the whole lot.
"And if that doesn't make everyone sorry for their actions, we're not sure what will."