Yasir Shah reminiscent of Abdul Qadir and Yasir Shah
Also: Joe Root's Movember struggles, and the perils of slow-motion replays
R Rajkumar
02-Dec-2014
Put on a pair of spectacles to instantly look smarter than the opposition • BCCI
Ways in which India can be aggressive in Australia
Before embarking on the tour of Australia, Virat Kohli spoke of the need to inculcate a culture of sustained aggression and positive thinking in the Indian ranks. With that in mind, it seemed only appropriate that we offer a few helpful tips to further assist the team in formulating its very own brand of mental disintegration in the weeks to come:
Before embarking on the tour of Australia, Virat Kohli spoke of the need to inculcate a culture of sustained aggression and positive thinking in the Indian ranks. With that in mind, it seemed only appropriate that we offer a few helpful tips to further assist the team in formulating its very own brand of mental disintegration in the weeks to come:
1. Have attacking field placements. If Australia thought they were being all out-of-the-box by having a fielder positioned right behind the bowler during the recent series against Pakistan, upstage them by having a fielder positioned not just directly behind the bowler, but also directly behind the batsman. Now give him some gloves to wear. Call him a "wicketkeeper". Make him the captain. Sit back and enjoy the chaos unfold as the Aussies get thrown for a loop!
2. If the crowd or the players heckle and call you names, refrain from responding in kind. Remember that sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never compare to the quiet satisfaction that comes with flipping them the bird.
3. Declare like you just don't care. Nothing sends the fear of God coursing through your opponents' veins like an aggressive declaration. Be bold and unpredictable about it. Don't be shy to declare on something like 90 for 2 in the first innings on the first day of a Test match. Don't worry, the joke's on the opposition, as you will have totally flummoxed and destabilised them with delusions of grandeur that will ultimately prove not altogether unfounded.
4. Get some facial stubble. Nothing screams naked aggression louder than forever looking like you've just rolled out of bed after a week-long bender involving a bottle of your IPL franchise owner's finest reserves and a couple of ex-honey traps (also courtesy your IPL franchise owner's finest reserves).
5. Try to look all muscly and constipated in a tight-fitting shirt.
6. Glower more. If you are unable to find it within yourself to carry off glowering convincingly, you might try the next best thing, which is to simply glow convincingly with the Virat Kohli-inspired range of skin-lightening products. Because chemically bleached skin is just as frightening as anything else in this list.
Another Movember slips past disconsolate Joe Root
Spare a thought for young Joe Root, for whom this time of year is always especially difficult. For while he may have proved that he belongs with the big boys at the highest level of the game as a batsman, he has yet to do the same when it comes to Movember. In fact, he's been a rather small boy in that regard. According to friends and colleagues, it isn't so much Root's inability to show evidence of his support for the movement (there are other ways of doing that after all), but the inability to show evidence of his own manhood.
Spare a thought for young Joe Root, for whom this time of year is always especially difficult. For while he may have proved that he belongs with the big boys at the highest level of the game as a batsman, he has yet to do the same when it comes to Movember. In fact, he's been a rather small boy in that regard. According to friends and colleagues, it isn't so much Root's inability to show evidence of his support for the movement (there are other ways of doing that after all), but the inability to show evidence of his own manhood.
"I tried everything," Root said dejectedly, "from smearing hair-regenerating creams all over my face to watching back-to-back reruns of Man v Wild before going to bed each night, but I wasn't able to get so much as a single sprout of hair growing on my upper lip."
For now, and for the foreseeable future by the looks of things, Root will have to be content with supporting Movember in spirit, if not necessarily via body.
"Oh that goes without saying," he says glumly. "I'm all for men's health. Especially alopecia."
Yasir Shah reminiscent of Abdul Qadir, Yasir Shah
Critics remain unanimous that Pakistan legspinner Yasir Shah's follow-through is reminiscent of the great Adbul Qadir. The flouncing mop of hair, the exaggerated planting of the feet - it's all there. Critics are just as unanimous, however, that everything else about Yasir's bowling, including the actual delivery itself, remain very strongly reminiscent of Yasir Shah himself.
Critics remain unanimous that Pakistan legspinner Yasir Shah's follow-through is reminiscent of the great Adbul Qadir. The flouncing mop of hair, the exaggerated planting of the feet - it's all there. Critics are just as unanimous, however, that everything else about Yasir's bowling, including the actual delivery itself, remain very strongly reminiscent of Yasir Shah himself.
TV viewers treated to slow-motion replay of player swearing
Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, watching cricket on TV these days has become a truly transcendent, immersive experience. Super slow-motion cameras enable one to see things that until now had never really been noticed, like the way a cricket bat seems to quiver in the hands of a batsman at the moment of impact with the ball, the amount of dirt a ball appears to kick up when it lands on the pitch, and just how lovingly the human mouth seems to caress each syllable and consonant of a filthy swear word.
Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, watching cricket on TV these days has become a truly transcendent, immersive experience. Super slow-motion cameras enable one to see things that until now had never really been noticed, like the way a cricket bat seems to quiver in the hands of a batsman at the moment of impact with the ball, the amount of dirt a ball appears to kick up when it lands on the pitch, and just how lovingly the human mouth seems to caress each syllable and consonant of a filthy swear word.
No cricket match broadcast on TV these days would be complete without a few of these elasticised, artfully rendered moments of one cricketer swearing at another, moments that can seem to last forever as the viewer at home sits uncomfortably in his chair watching the game with his mother-in-law - for reasons best known to himself.
But there is no denying the impact such technology has had on the game and its followers, and few can argue that it has even played a part in bringing in new fans.
"Slow-motion replays on TV of a cricketer swearing like a sailor is the reason I take my kids to watch live matches at the stadium," says Art Baumgardner, 43. "We would watch at home, but I'm afraid they might have to see some hairy tattooed pr**k being shown saying the word 'mother******' from as many different camera angles as possible."
At the time of writing, a defeated-looking Baumgardner was asking his children to search for a dropped penny among the rows of seats for the duration of a slow-motion replay of a bowler swearing at a batsman broadcast on the stadium's big screen.
Bangladesh fan not sure how to feel about autograph he got from Zimbabwe player
A Bangladesh fan is not sure how he feels about a autograph he just got from a Zimbabwe player. I mean, the only reason he even got it was because he couldn't find any Bangladeshi players in the hotel lobby. He supposes it's still pretty cool, though, all things considered. It's still technically an international cricketer who gave him his autograph, right? Ol' Whatshisface. What was his name again? Too bad you can't really make out from the signature. Wow, what a scribble. That's a name? Anyway, the fan is certain he'll recognise the guy if he sees him again. Guess he'll go show his friends the autograph then. Except they'll ask him whose it is, won't they? They'll probably laugh at him when he tells them it belongs to a Zimbabwe player whose name he doesn't remember and would struggle to pronounce even if he did. No, he'd better just keep this one to himself. It'll be his little secret. Probably end up taking it to his grave. Ha ha ha. #FML.
A Bangladesh fan is not sure how he feels about a autograph he just got from a Zimbabwe player. I mean, the only reason he even got it was because he couldn't find any Bangladeshi players in the hotel lobby. He supposes it's still pretty cool, though, all things considered. It's still technically an international cricketer who gave him his autograph, right? Ol' Whatshisface. What was his name again? Too bad you can't really make out from the signature. Wow, what a scribble. That's a name? Anyway, the fan is certain he'll recognise the guy if he sees him again. Guess he'll go show his friends the autograph then. Except they'll ask him whose it is, won't they? They'll probably laugh at him when he tells them it belongs to a Zimbabwe player whose name he doesn't remember and would struggle to pronounce even if he did. No, he'd better just keep this one to himself. It'll be his little secret. Probably end up taking it to his grave. Ha ha ha. #FML.
R Rajkumar tweets @roundarmraj