Alan Tyers goes behind the scenes

Mitch gets mean, Bolly gets enlightened

The Australians are ready for India, you better believe it

Alan Tyers

Comments: 11 | Text size: A | A
Doug Bollinger claimed an early breakthrough but he bowled without luck thereafter, Pakistan v Australia, 2nd Test, Headingley, 4th day, July 24 2010
Bollinger feels the weight of the universal consciousness come crashing down on him in his follow-through © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Doug Bollinger | Mitchell Johnson
Teams: Australia

Mitchell Johnson shook the tension out of his arms. He took a deep breath. He exhaled. He waited. He spun round and delivered a devastating glare.

The Australian dressing room burst into applause.

"Mate, that was absolutely ripper," said Michael Hussey. "Really awesome execution of your staring skills."

"Aw, cheers Mr Mistercricket," said Johnson, blushing. "I've been working on it."

"Yeah, good boy Mitch-o," said Ricky Ponting. "Sachin'll be crapping himself. What's 13,000 Test runs in the face of Blue Steel? So what about our mental disintegration strategies for the other Indians?"

"I'm going to stare hard at their top-order batsman," said Johnson. "They don't like it up 'em."

"I liked that stare you did in the Ashes, when they kept hitting you for four and you couldn't get the ball on the cut strip," said Ben Hilfenhaus. "And the one you did at me from long leg when I had to keep bowling and bowling until I couldn't feel my legs because I was the only bloke who could actually do it."

"Now come on, mate," said Doug Bollinger. "That's not very team-materly of you. We're all part of one unit - and one universal consciousness."

Johnson looked bemused.

"Like when we're all focused on sledging someone and everyone calls a bloke a swear name at the same time?" he asked.

"No, mate," said Bollinger. "This is even bigger and more beautiful than that."

"Even better than when Sidds called Ian Bell a w***er and stole his Lucozade isotonic recovery drink and hung him on a coat hook in the Trent Bridge dressing room?"

"Even better than that," confirmed Bollinger. "I've been using this visit to India to study some Eastern philosophy and, mate, those Zoroastrians have got some ripper ideas about dualism and the existence of a universal and transcendental God."

"You what, mate?" said Ponting.

"Mate, I'm using this trip to better myself," said Bollinger. "Not just as a cricketer, but as a person and a thinker. Now, it's always been said that I am a thinking cricketer."

"Nobody's ever said that, Doug, mate," said Ponting.

"Well, they can now," said Bollinger. "I've achieved a higher state of consciousness and I'm ready to take on the world."

The team clapped and cheered. Mitchell Johnson stared hard.

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Comments: 11 
Posted by TimmyF_23 on (September 29, 2010, 13:20 GMT)

Bollinger will be there with the new red cherry charging in with whatever minimal breeze the indian climate offers blowing blissfully through his "rug" on top.

He has been the form bowler since his inclusion into the side and will be Australia's strike bowler with the new ball this series. Not ideal preparation arriving a couple days out from the series begining i agree, but he will be listed at no.11 in the Aussie line up no doubts about it.

Posted by JimDavis on (September 27, 2010, 17:23 GMT)

Well at least now we know why Mitch-o has been rubbish for the last 12 months. All those extra session with Troy Cooley trying to teach him to turn left has messed up his mojo.

Posted by dravidgood on (September 27, 2010, 9:32 GMT)

that was a good discerning piece..ive always felt that beneath that happy, coy-shy veneer lies a very deep thinking man in good Doughy...u bet...he'll take on each one of you...after all his run up ends like one good Allan Donald in a snap..wow what last mile athleticism in that action...

Posted by outsiders on (September 27, 2010, 9:25 GMT)

lol.. 'Nobody's ever said that Doug, mate'

Posted by Gollo81 on (September 27, 2010, 9:24 GMT)

"Blue steel" - brilliant, the Aussies certainly aren't as mean s they used to be bless 'em

Posted by PGW81 on (September 27, 2010, 9:13 GMT)

@ Writer : Are you talking about the GLARING DEFICIENCIES in the Australian bowling line-up? Does this article supposed to be a quick STARE into their dressing room? Guess Mitchell Johnson is not going to like his secret stare being so disclosed. By the way - this article was not so rotten as the earlier ones. Doug bollinger needs no enlightening - its the readers who need to be enlightened on the meaning of these articles.....

Posted by schapagain on (September 27, 2010, 8:11 GMT)

who is that! bolly 5th i dont know what he is taking i believe after johnson the second name on the list is bolly siddy and hilfy are marginally behind

Posted by shrimmyboy on (September 27, 2010, 8:01 GMT)

@PGW81: OMG!! was that a lame attempt at humor?? sheesh! i still don't think that you know what page2 is about!....if you don't have a sense of humor you shouldn't read this stuff...goto your internet settings and block it!! please do that!!...btw Alan...GOOD STUFF!! :)

Posted by Something_Witty on (September 27, 2010, 7:24 GMT)

Hehehe, Johnson's glaring needs some work I'll admit. :P, still, at least he's not as bad at it as Daddy's Boy Broad is.

Posted by PGW81 on (September 27, 2010, 7:07 GMT)

@ Alan : at last something other than Pakistan and match fixing - did the editor stare at you like Mitch for dishing out too many articles on Pak till you could not feel your fingers typing on the key board? Are you trying to make any point? Dug was good yesterday in the T20 game against warriors. Dunno if he is test cricket material. But with Hilfy, Johnson, Siddle the Aussies have a very good attack. I dont get what you are driving at - are you trying to drive someone insane? Why dont you take a relaxing break in India and allow your senses to be rejuvenated and refreshed???? You do need a break...........

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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