How to ensure Pakistan are never boring

By always picking the shiny haired one

Andrew Hughes

Comments: 3 | Text size: A | A
Mohammad Hafeez, Iqbal Qasim and Misbah-ul-Haq at the Pakistan squad announcement for West Indies, Lahore, July 3, 2013
"What happened in England? Nothing, that's what. We had no trouble to derive inspiration from" © Associated Press
Enlarge
Related Links
Series/Tournaments: Pakistan tour of West Indies
Teams: Pakistan

This week, the Big Cheeses and Grand Panjandrums of Pakistan cricket assembled to sort through the wreckage of their Champions Trophy campaign. It was the first gathering of the PCB's Big Fat Crisis Committee since the moderately controversial 2010 tour of England, and given the team's recent successes, many of the officials were out of practice.

For instance, the first draft of their Champions Trophy Review was entitled "I Dunno, It Wasn't That Bad Really, All Things Considered". Fortunately, they were roused during an afternoon tea and cake adjournment by a presentation from former Chairman Ijaz Butt (currently touring the country to promote his new DVD, How To Annoy Friends and Sack People). They renamed the Review, "What The Hell Was That!" and got down to business.

There was a lot to be angry about. For a start, there is a Karachi warehouse piled full of unsold "Pakistan Champions Trophy Winners 2013" t-shirts, which will be devilishly tricky to shift. One ingenious solution was for the players to seek redemption by unpicking the lettering, and then re-sewing each t-shirt by hand to read "Pakistan in West Indies Series Winners 2013", although this idea was sensibly put on hold, just in case.

As for what went wrong in England, there was wide agreement. The first problem was the team's fear of passing the number 170. Forty years ago, a score in the high 160s might have been considered a reckless, dangerous, sticking-your-head-out-of-the-window-of-a-speeding-car kind of a score. But these days, it's not so impressive, and the failure of the batsmen to cross that milestone severely affected their chances in the matter of winning.

The second problem, not unrelated to the first, was the fact that they lost all three matches. Whilst the committee acknowledged that it was possible for a team not win all its matches, yet still reach the semi-finals, it was agreed that not winning any matches at all made things much harder in that regard, and a PCB cricket statistician was on hand to confirm that in fact, no team that had lost all its matches had ever won the Champions Trophy.

The biggest problem, however, was selection. In picking their Champions Trophy squad, the Pakistan pin stickers committed the unforgivable sin of being a bit boring. It was a squad that an accountant might pick after consulting a "Cricket Loss Adjustment Variance" spreadsheet. I think we can all agree that the Pakistan cricket team can be many things, but it should never be boring, and if it is, then frankly they don't deserve to win.

Of course, one fail-safe way to make your team less boring is to pick Shahid Afridi, so for approximately the 47th time, he is back in the team, and he will be making things a little less dull in the West Indies, helped by the fact that the statute that made the selection of Shoaib Malik a legal requirement has now expired. They may lose in the Caribbean, but at least they won't be boring losers.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 3 
Posted by   on (July 8, 2013, 7:04 GMT)

When Afridi started his cricket, his elder brother told him 'take care of the strike rate and damn the score!', he had done that ever since.

Posted by rurrr on (July 7, 2013, 19:24 GMT)

I dunno if I'm a 100% correct, but I'm pretty sure that there is a mathematical possibility of winning the tournament if all your matches are rained out. I think that one would be able to top the group, and then one could get to the finals with the semifinal rained out and then share the trophy. That could work, so Pakistan didn't do all that bad.

Posted by   on (July 6, 2013, 7:03 GMT)

yup, when Afridi is in , its all entertainment , at each ball coming toward Afridi bat , either expect a huge 6 or a big round zero. He is the only man always knowing his job in pak team.

Comments have now been closed for this article

Email this page to a friend Email Feedback Feedback Print Print
RSS FeedAll
Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

All Articles »

  • Groovy tunes and a sunset at the SCG
    Fan Following: A sublime knock from Steven Smith, soaking in a sunset in the SCG members' pavilion and groovy music made the semi-final clash between Australia and India a memorable one
  • Come now, Mr Faulkner
    The Long Handle: The Australian allrounder would have us believe sledging is inevitable. Is it?
  • Wahab's roar, and mad Maxwell
    Fan Following: The Wahab v Watson subplot, a Geoffrey Edelsten lookalike and a clinical chase made for a great experience
  • Keeping a quarter-final streak alive
    Fan Following: Bringing a bugle out of hibernation and donning face-paint for a unique hat-trick of India's World Cup quarter-finals
  • A disappointing result, and a solemn farewell
    Fan Following: The quarter-final match between Sri Lanka and South Africa promised plenty of electric contests but turned out to be tepid. It was the last chance, however, to see two Sri Lankan greats in action for the last time in ODIs
  • The greatest time of our lives
    Martin Crowe: Whatever happens, the Australia-New Zealand World Cup final at the MCG will be the most divine fun
  • Why is chasing so difficult at the G?
    Cricket Sadist Hour: Jarrod Kimber and John Buchanan discuss swing, what NZ should worry about and do a man-to-man analysis of the finalists
  • How do you stop Smith?
    It is a question that has mystified teams of late, but Andy Zaltzman has the answer
  • When defeats haunt
    Nicholas Hogg: The losing team has much to ponder over the what-could-have-beens in close matches; in a one-sided game, the past is put to rest quickly
  • Wide boy
    The Cricket Monthly: Of the four men sent to prison in 2011 for spot-fixing, Mazhar Majeed's story was the one nobody heard
Andrew HughesClose
Andrew Hughes Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73
  • ESPN
  • ESPNF1
  • Scrum
  • Soccernet