New records cricket should care about

I am fed up. I have had it. I cannot stand this anymore. Readers, after many years of following cricket with a keen eye and eager heart, I am finally bored of all existing cricketing records. Every single one of them.

If you took all the cricketing records in the world and put them in a house and set this house on fire, I would immediately call the local police, wait for the police cars to come, then take the petrol from the cars and throw it on the house.

Die, boring, meaningless records, die. Oh, this one is still alive? *Reverses fire engine over sole surviving record*

How long will we keep talking of most runs scored, and highest ODI score, and most catches in one match, and Donald Bradman's yawnty-yawn point yawn yawn Test match average?

Enough. Stop it. Immediately. Instead, can we have some brand-new records that we can discuss and analyse? Records that actually make us think about the game and its players and see it in greater depth and clarity?

No? You do not agree? Let me present to you with a brief list of brand-new potential cricket records. Please read through this before making up your mind.

1. The "Bridesmaid but never the bride" record: highest career average for runs scored in ODIs in which Man of the Match went to someone else.

2. The "There is no I in team or self-respect" record: highest career aggregate runs of runs scored by a player while standing in as runner on behalf of another batsman.

3. The "Wrong place at the wrong time during wrong career" record: highest runs scored in Indian domestic cricket for the duration of Sachin Tendulkar's career without ever being picked for Indian team.

4. The "Participation is the main thing" record: Most international ODIs and Test matches played without ever making it onto an honours board in any ground anywhere in the world.

5. The "I am sensing a pattern here" record: Most wickets taken in matches that have all been abandoned due to rain or other causes.

6. The "There are more things to life than money, such as a Toyota" record: Highest career aggregate runs scored in T20 format without ever playing for an IPL team.

7. The "Maybe there was an error when they sorted the spreadsheet" record: Fewest runs scored/wickets taken in domestic career by a player who has played at least once for his country.

8. The "It runs in the family but in different directions" record: Fewest matches played by a player whose father also played international cricket for the same country.

9. The "Form is temporary but class is fleeting" record: Most wickets taken in international cricket, in any format, off balls that turned out to be no-balls.

10. The "Maybe he has a nice personality" record: Player currently playing international cricket with most number of international appearances but not a single Man of the Match award.

11. The "I really wanted to become a contemporary dancer" record: Tallest fast bowler on record to never bowl over 75 kph.

12. The "Right or wrong is a state of mind, no?" record: Umpire in international cricket with most number of decisions overturned thanks to technology.

Readers, as you can see, any of these records are vastly more entertaining and insightful than any of the sordid landmarks and points and rankings currently being dished out in international cricket. I invite you to pitch in with more such examples and to push for greater change in cricket's approach towards achievements.