The 22? No, the ones that lead there

From where? The small time

How long does it take to walk them? First rule of the hard yards: you do them, not walk them

What, like a sledging match? No. Just a decent ball after one that went for six

What else is it not? A cryogenically preserved Syd Barnes turning up to win the next Ashes for England

Thought we make the jokes here Cricket is funny as in unpredictable

This is going the "glorious uncertainties" route, isn't it? Quick, say something funny instead

Why are pads used in cricket? Because it's the butt of all our jokes

Like a kidnapping? No, just that the opposition played better

So why the accusatory tone? It deflects attention from you

On a clothesline? No, the line outside off stump

Ah, the hotbed of edges And don't you just feel so wrung out when that happens?

For maximum impact use in connection with Shoaib Akhtar hitting sixes with abandon

Eh? Have you forgotten the great genital warts outbreak of 2009?

What does he do in little matches? Fails

So he thrives on pressure? Or is put off by Shahadat Hossain's Sharapova-like grunts

All round what? It means everyone performed well

So it's going to be a draw? Possibly

What if it's bad cricket all round? Still a draw

You can't win! Seems like it

What does it mean? Whatever it is, is easy

So what's the "as that" for? Extra emphasis

Like "first ever" Yes

Redundancy is fun! And easy

What it means Can't be certain if it's going to be a win, loss, draw or tie

Aren't win and loss counted as one result? Shut up and sit at the edge of your seat!

What it really means Hooray, the match isn't fixed!

Can be used in conjunction with The glorious uncertainty of cricket

I know exactly what you're talking about What?

Those Indians Why?

They executed all their skills in England and Australia They did?

Yup, exterminated them like you would a rodent Rats! I did not see that coming

Models on the catwalk during the innings break? Nope.

Virat Kohli taking the metrosexual look too far? Not that either.

What then? The bowler has produced an incredible delivery that brings images from Tyra Banks' Next American Top Model to the commentator's mind.

Submitted by: Ganesh, Malaysia

Who ranks them? No, rank as in smelly

Who smells them? Someone in the crowd, after the batsman has hit them for six?

Vandals! I'll call security Whoa, I'm just a batsman looking to spend some time at the crease

No digging? Only into the reserves of my talent

That happy place where Ranji and Vic and Archie and Don are hanging out these days Yes, and a pitch that heavily favours batting

So even Chris Martin would get runs there? No god is that benevolent

Whoa, do not refer to Rahul Dravid's retirement like that Am not

A dig at the Indian fielding? Nope

Athers' muddy pocket? No

Afridi's intimate relations with cricket balls? No

Explain then The fall of a batsman

....well, I've run out of punchlines Bitten off more than you can chew, eh?

I think you're getting desperate No. "Our plan was to bowl in the channel outside off stump"

So it's the same as corridor or areas? Yeah, but it's got a physics-class feel to it

Who said cricket isn't rocket science? Think we've done that joke already

Okay. What channel do South Africans prefer? The English Channel

What it means A fast bowler, bowling at or around his maximum pace

What it does not mean How people got to the matches in the 19th century

What it definitely does not mean The uncomfortable humidity inside a batsman's box

Submitted by: Charlie, Australia

I don't think you can call Warnie's dalliances "love affairs" I'm not. This is about players doing well at a particular venue

Like Laxman with Eden Gardens Or Bradman with Headingley

Or KP with his ego Or Afridi with retirements

So it doesn't just "lie" there like other pitches? Don't start with the puns

Okay so what is it? A wicket that doesn't have unpredictable bounce or turn. It does as it looks

Must be tough on the bowler Not really, it's not like it doesn't have bounce, turn or movement. Just not the unexpected variety

If you filmed Andy Roberts bowling on this wicket, what would you call it? True Blood