The Heavy Ball

Play the KP punditry game

Sit in front of the telly during the World Twenty20 and start scoring

Alan Tyers
Kevin Pietersen remains under pressure to turn around his poor form, Dubai, February 17, 2012

"Shout-out to my friend Henry Gayle" - two points  •  Getty Images

With the news that KP has a punditry gig for the World Twenty20, we look forward to his stints in the analyst chair, and you can enhance your enjoyment by playing along at home. Tot up the points, and the player with most points wins an England central contract.
Kevin is asked his opinion about an England colleague. You learn a colourful new Afrikaans swearword - two points
Who would have thought a simple word like "gap" or "sausage" could be applied so effectively by those clever Boers? - two points
Kevin is asked if he has any insights into weaknesses of England team and nods enthusiastically - one point
"Look, buddy…" beings his reply - two points
Brief delay in Kevin's reply while he texts some of these weaknesses to various international captains - two points
Twenty-five minutes later, Kevin is coming to the end of his explanation about some of the weaknesses of the England team - five points
Wait, there's more - ten points
Kevin has prepared a short home-produced video presentation which he would like to share with his beloved audience - one point
Add one point for sponsors' logos carefully positioned in frame - up to 24 points
Piers Morgan seems to be operating the camera - one point
Kevin mentions how brilliant the Delhi Daredevils are - one point (maximum 147 points)
Kevin appears to be involved in a falling-out with the other commemorators - five points
Kevin demands to know if he's not being given enough on-mike opportunities due to some sort of quota system - ten points
Kevin leaves and joins a rival TV station - ten points
Kevin attempts to have producer and director at his new job fired - ten points
Kevin now attempting qualification period with the BBC - turn off TV and game over.

Alan has ghost-written a book for Premier League legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called 'I Kick Therefore I Am' and you can check it out here.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?