Alan Tyers is a freelance journalist based in London. All the quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)
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The Grand High Committee Of Appeals, Re-Appeals And Very Important Decisions (Lahore) came to order, and His Unwavering Magnificence, The Chief Judge, delivered his verdict.
"Gentlemen, cricketers, fellow administrators, and most importantly our very expensive friends in the legal profession.
"This is an historic day for Pakistan cricket, the day when we finally put the fiasco of the last year behind us, and move forward together to a great day of understanding, unity and common purpose, with all grudges forgotten, united as one, as long as that dipstick Younis is not involved.
"Some of our imperialist enemies abroad have seen fit to question our wisdom in overturning on appeal some previous decisions. This is a great mistake. For instance, when we said that 'Shahid is a hideous, conniving, cheating villain hellbent on the total destruction of Pakistan society as we know it' we actually meant 'Shahid is very much part of our plans for the future, good old Shahid, he's a heck of a feller and a great example to the young boys.'"
"Likewise, while we may have described Shoaib as 'a terrible crook who will never represent Pakistan again as long as the sun rises in the sky, may he burn in the furnace of depravity with his serve-and-volley temptress forever, or even be reduced to playing county cricket to make ends meet', we now realise that a few months away from cricket, which he has diligently spent getting divorced and going shopping, have now made him into an absolutely superb choice for reinstatement.
"And while we may have initially have referred to 'The Brothers Dim, the most dastardly pair of criminal brothers since Ronnie and Reggie Kray', we now recognise that their fine of 100 billion dollars may have been a little excessive, so if they are willing to pay nothing whatsoever and accept a lucrative central contract for the next few years, we can all put the matter behind us and get on with the real business at hand, i.e. getting absolutely walloped by all-comers in vaguely suspicious circumstances and calling each other nasty names.
"All hail the glorious future, or at least until the next committee reverses these decisions and suspends the whole team again, currently scheduled for next Tuesday."