'Don't be a victim of things I do to survive!'

Sometimes I ask myself whether it's really worth poking fun at cricketers' use of punctuation in this column. I mean, what does anyone get out of it? It's Twitter. It's a carefree, disposable form of communication. What does it matter if someone makes a grammatical error? It's not like anyone's going to learn from that being flagged up in an irreverent social media round-up, is it?

Then I see an Australian cricketer needlessly include an apostrophe.

The apostrophe
Brett Lee's trying to communicate with us.

"Good start by the Aussie's @CricketAus"
@BrettLee_58

By the Aussie's what? And which Aussie?

The reviews
Kevin Pietersen is happy to share his expert opinion on almost any subject.

Everything from social media

"These blue lines linking tweets are average!"
@KP24

… to international current affairs

"This #Syria stuff is scary.."

The third person
It's always a worrying sign when a sportsman starts referring to himself in the third person. Praveen Kumar's travelling along a dangerous road.

"Praveen Kumar will be back soon. Today is another step in the right direction."
@impk08

If you want to know where that road leads, look no further than Dwayne Bravo.

"Newbigdog is well rested an looking forward to CLT20"
@Newbigdog

Referring to yourself in the third person using a ludicrous nickname is your destination, Praveen.

The light
Worcestershire's Aneesh Kapil has finally used his head and seen the light.

"Just used my head to flick the light switch because my hands were full.... #WhatIsLife"
@aneeshkapil22

The cut
Where does Chamara Kapugedera get his hair cut?

"At #chopping block getting a new hair cut.."
@chamarakapu

Functional.

The ambiguity
Speaking of personal grooming, what's Ramnaresh Sarwan referring to here?

"Time to fix these nails up!"
@ronniesarwan

Hopefully he's doing some DIY.

The painkiller
Shane Warne knows how you deal with pain.

"Woken up to the most intense toothache ever. Seriously ready to give myself an uppercut to relieve the pain ! Very grumpy & irratible"
@warne888

Come now, I'm sure you'll be able to find someone willing to carry out such treatment for you.

Life with Kemar Roach
Kemar has some friendly advice for us this week.

"Don't Be A Victim Of Things I Do To Survive!"
@KemarAJR

It should be pretty easy to evade harm caused by his breathing or eating. Not sure what else he means. Sleeping maybe?

"Insomnia!"

Presumably not then.

What's your philosophy?
Shaun Pollock seems livelier than normal.

"Trust is not inherited, it is learned and thus earned!"
7polly7

That's not really an exclamation now, is it Shaun?

Nando's Watch
Steven Finn's been venturing into uncharted territory.

"About to have my first ever take away @NandosUK. Got a feeling this may blow my mind. In other news.... still no sign of Mousse. :("
@finnysteve

In case you're wondering, Mousse is a dog who has since been found. No word on the quality of the takeaway compared to eating in, however.

Jet-lag Watch
I get the feeling that not a week goes by without some cricketer or other whinging about jet lag, like travelling the world is some enormous hardship. Let's test that theory.

Exhibit one: Steven Smith

"I hate jet lag!"
@stevesmith49

Brace yourself for another exciting instalment in the next edition of The Fortnight on Twitter.