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'Motion sickness does destroy me every time'

Revelations of startling vulnerability and more in this fortnight's Twitter round-up

Alex Bowden
Kemar Roach passes on some advice to Shannon Gabriel, West Indies v Zimbabwe, 2nd Test, Dominica, 3rd day, March 22, 2013

Kemar Roach conducts Paranoia 101: "Don't look now but they're watching us"  •  WICB Media Photo/Randy Brooks

The world's cricketers have been handing out a lot of advice this week. Needlessly to say, most of it is completely worthless. If they're not totally ignorant regarding the locations of celestial bodies, they're confusing mountains with agricultural land or advocating change for change's sake. Unless they're talking you through the menu at Nando's, don't listen to them - they'll be out of their depth.
The astronomer
Kemar Roach thinks he's aiming high.
Actually Kemar, the moon is typically around 150 million kilometres away from the nearest star (the Sun) and 4.24 light years from the next nearest. In contrast, it is only 384,400 kilometres away from Earth, so even if you reach your target you'll still be much, much closer to terra firma than the stars.
The big bang
Dale Steyn's still winning and still saying boom.
No. And frankly it never was.
The DIY project
Graeme Swann has a shed conversion to carry out.
The modesty
Worcestershire's Jack Shantry feels he's ticking all the boxes.
Past tense, though.
The drama queen
Kraigg Brathwaite's not a great traveller.
Life with Kemar Roach
How's Kemar keeping?
Tough week.
What's your philosophy?
Shaun Pollock is as relentless with words of wisdom as he was with the ball.
Sometimes, Shaun, it seems like you want us to change our life pretty much weekly. That's a lot of turmoil. Why do we always have to change?
Chris Gayle has the answer.
So there you go. Everyone's in agreement. We all just have to keep changing things, day after day, week after week, no matter whether it seems a good idea or not.
The mixed metaphor
But is Pollock really to be trusted? This doesn't make much sense.
Surely the second part of that should read "so shout what you want to hear again after a short delay, only slightly more faintly."
Nando's Watch
Alex Hales seems to be supporting this feature pretty much single-handedly these days.
Interesting that there's a swear word specifically geared towards professional cricketers.
Jet lag Watch - part two
Somewhere in the world, there is always - always - a cricketer complaining about jet lag. Darren Bravo fulfils the role this week.

Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket