Butt's clairvoyance and other stories

Highly disputed Test No. 3 India have been found guilty of repeatedly chucking pies at English players this summer. In a severe reaction, England team director Andy Flower summoned experienced pie-eater Samit Patel to deal with the Indians. "Sammy will teach them a lesson," said Flower, a morbid grin spreading across his face. "He is training like never before."

A peek into the English dressing room before the first-ever 23-23 match revealed Samit Patel wolfing down treacle tarts by the dozen while Alastair Cook nodded in approval. Also, a moody-looking Jonathan Trott practising his pitch gardening a little too animatedly, miffed about being replaced by Patel. In the match, though, Patel, discontented at merely eating pies, was found throwing them unsuccessfully at Rahul Dravid and Ajinkya Rahane. More practice required on that score, clearly.

Meanwhile, in sharp contrast to the earthy reaction of the BCCI to Nasser Hussain's donkey jibe (banning him from the prestigious Neo Sports commentary box), the PCB chose the mysterious-press-release path: "It is rather unfortunate that the advertising company became insensitive to the feelings of the Pakistani nation while airing their ad, which is not only unethical but also disrespectful." Close examination of the statement reveals the problem to be not the advertisement in question but the unethical and disrespectful insensitivity in the minds of the Moa Brewing Company while the ad was on air. It would require psychic powers of some magnitude to discover insensitivity in a man across a few oceans, but Ijaz Butt has exhibited this talent in the past, most notably when he discovered the involvement of English players in the match-fixing scandal last year. The ICC may want to look into this unfair advantage that Pakistan cricket has on account of its chairman, which was undoubtedly a factor in the whitewashing of Zimbabwe, a side unbeaten in Tests for the last five years.

The mystery surrounding Ajantha Mendis has been slightly diminished by batsmen's realisation that to counter the crafty bowler one has to play for the straighter one every ball. Be that as it may, it is my opinion that the Sri Lankan selectors missed a trick by not including him in the team for the first Test. On the Galle dustbowl, Mendis' bowling would have been an unpredictable combination of Warne and Muralitharan, with not even Mendis able to tell a Warnie from a Murali. Instead, the match turned out to be one for the Australian debutants, in which the only sight more terrifying for the Sri Lankans than a furious Trent Copeland steaming in was that of Charu Sharma approaching menacingly, mike in hand and grin on face.

Mendis-less they may be , but the manner in which the Lions have curled up with their tails between their legs when confronted by kangaroos is quite shocking. Perhaps the Sri Lankan board is too secure in its misdeeds. While their Australian counterpart has just received a major jolt, all SLC has to bother about is keeping lecture-happy Kumar Sangakkara away from the Marylebone Cricket Club.

The supremacy-of-Test cricket argument suffered a severe setback when it was revealed one of the star batsmen of the England-India series, Kevin Pietersen, would struggle to make Surrey's first XI. To add injury to insult, Pietersen, who could not move from the sleepiness of Test cricket to the rigours of the county arena briskly enough, is now suffering a broken wrist after having stood too close to Matt Prior's incorrigible bat. However, Flower is in no mood to slacken efforts to get Pietersen to step up and be noticed by the Surrey selectors. "Right now, it's all about motivation - KP needs to be convinced that he can take his game to the next level - that he can Change," said Flower to a bunch of reporters. This, along with a nonchalant wave of the arm, was to explain the somewhat irregular sight of a Barack Obama lookalike bellowing at Pietersen nearby.