Dr Doosra's Demented Devices

The Goggly

Want more from your IPL-watching experience than big sixes, diving catches, close finishes, glamorous celebrities and ridiculous commercials? Never fear, the Goggly is here

© Anand Ramachandran
1. Continous Statistics Overlay
Annoyed that they show statistics only during the innings break? The Goggly provides you with a non-stop stream of every statistic imaginable, such as Virender Sehwag's precise bat speed, Aayushmann Khurrana's enthusiasm-to-IQ ratio, and the hue and saturation levels of Navjot Sidhu's wardrobe.
2. Boredom Indicator
A continous graph overlay of the excitement levels of the match in progress. Will warn you in case of extreme impending boredom - such as a rain delay, a "strategy break", or a Twenty20 innings by VVS Laxman.
3. Celebrity Silhouette Matcher
If the cricket gets dull, the Goggly will automatically detect whenever a celebrity is shown on screen - and immediately switch to the nearest channel showing a programme featuring him or her. A good thing if said celeb is Preity Zinta, but a bad thing if it's Sameer Kochchar.
4. Adjustable nose-bridge
The Goggly is truly for all. The adjustable nose-bridge assures a comfortable fit, whatever the size of your nose. Presets include "small", "medium", "large" and "that chick who lost out in the Rahul Mahajan finale".
5. 3-D Polarizer
When you enable this amazing feature, the Goggly converts your cricket broadcast into Avatar-like immersive 3D. You'll duck for cover as Yusuf Pathan's towering sixes hurtle towards you, dance with joy as the cheerleaders cartwheel past you, and feel a strange disquiet as Arun Lal's beard seems a little too close for comfort.
6. Dynamically expanding aperture
A small opening that lets you actually watch the match through all the clutter caused by the Goggly's other features. Expands considerably during commercials, a feature personally requested by IPL commissioner Lalit Modi.
7. Actual Sunglass Material
The Goggly is also useful when you're not watching cricket - since this half of the lens protects your eyes from harmful UV radiation when you're out in the sun. At least half of one eye, at any rate.

Anand Ramachandran is a writer and humourist based in Mumbai. He blogs at bosey.co.in