England masters of mediocrity (26 July 1999)

26 July 1999

England masters of mediocrity

Martin Johnson

In 15 months' time, 13 years after Faisalabad, Shakoor Rana and Mike Gatting, England head to Pakistan for what is potentially the most intriguing (not to mention comic) Test series of all time. The Pakistanis are constantly accused of losing matches in return for money but attempting to throw a Test match against England is not a task that anyone could undertake with absolute confidence.

Scarcely a Test passes these days without the modern English player immediately managing to raise the stock of the old-timers. Hence, on the radio the other day, Fred Trueman was heard to say: "Wally Hammond, what a player. What a player. Never saw him play, but what a player." Fred is in no doubt at all that we're now fielding an entire team of wallies.

Only Fred could wax lyrical about a player he'd never seen, mostly on the grounds that anyone who played for England after the Boer War is a bit suspect. "Now that Methuselah, 'e could play."

However, what was unusual about Fred going through his customary "I don't know what's going off out there" routine on Saturday, was that none of his co-commentators was thinking: "here he goes again". They didn't know what was going off, either.

This feeling was particularly pronounced after the dismissal of Mark Ramprakash, who managed to get out to a ball which only just landed on the cut strip. In fact, some of England's blade-waving in this match did not so much give the impression that they had been receiving tuition from Graham Gooch as the British Olympic fencing team.

Bob Woolmer, the coach who ruled himself out of the England job, was in the press box over the weekend, as was David Lloyd, the former coach who quit for more money and less stress. It was a close-run thing as to which of them looked more relieved. The man due to take charge, Duncan Fletcher, will be on holiday in Scotland when England go to Old Trafford next week and is already getting a good feel for the job by guiding Glamorgan to the foot of the County Championship table.

England will also go to Manchester without a captain, and there is even talk of recalling Michael Atherton, who should not be considered on the grounds that he has already suffered enough. In any event, the England and Wales Cricket Board have already come up with a masterplan to revive the glory days of old, by re-instating the Benson and Hedges Cup. There is nothing like a freezing, three-sweater day in April to make a man of you.

Not so very long ago, a Test series against New Zealand would have been considered a useful opportunity to have a look at promising young players - but such is the desperate need for any kind of victory that Graeme Hick has also been mooted for a possible comeback. And if Mike Brearley knows what's good for him, he'll make sure his phone remains off the hook when the selectors meet again over the weekend.

Let's put it in equine terms. Until England's cricketers are bred for the Derby, rather than a summer season of carting children about on Skegness beach, it should surprise precisely no one when they consistently lose Test matches - even against New Zealand, a country less densely populated than Greater Manchester and containing not a single player who would get anywhere near a world Test XI.

The spectators, at least, recognise England's limitations, given the kind of landmarks they were cheering yesterday. When the total trickled to 150, there was the traditional round of applause, notwithstanding the fact that their team only had three second-innings wickets remaining and were still 22 runs away from requiring the opposition to bat again.

When this was achieved, the crowd became even more excited and when the 200 came up, the roof very nearly came off the Mound Stand. It only requires England to take a first-innings lead at Old Trafford and people will be standing on the seats belting out Land of Hope and Glory.

It is little short of remarkable that Lord's should have been sold out for the first three days here, or that the same will probably happen in Manchester. However, cricket being the social game it still is in England, the ritual of a day out at the Test will require substantially more than a hopeless national team to put a damper on.

Besides, in a nation which enjoys nothing more than a good old grumble down the pub ("Did you see that bloody shot from Stewart?") England's cricket team are arguably a national treasure.

The kindest thing you can say about England at Lord's is that every man jack of them was doing his very best. Scary, isn't it?

Source :: Electronic Telegraph (https://www.telegraph.co.uk)