How to explain cricket to an American

We've all experienced it at one time or another. Those seemingly innocent questions about our beloved game put forth by a stranger who unwittingly and irredeemably demotes himself in your eyes by his shocking ignorance about it. And the faintly mocking and/or ironic tone you're sure you can detect beneath his words isn't helping anyone.

Let's address the bald eagle perched atop the elephant in the room: the person putting these questions to you is, invariably, an American. Perhaps he's a tourist visiting your far-flung cricket-playing nation, or maybe he's just lost in Queens. You take it upon yourself to embark on a heroic quest, trying to explain the nuances that separate and lift cricket above and beyond comparisons to baseball (whatever that is). But it's no use. You soon realise that the American is himself above and beyond reach, that on a certain level, he doesn't really want to understand; if he did, he wouldn't take pleasure in addressing to you that most cherished of complaints: "I don't know how you guys can watch a game that lasts five days, man."

Friends, why waste your valuable time beating your head against this wall? Why put up with it any more than you have to? We all know that trying to explain cricket to an American is not unlike trying to explain chess to someone who has only ever played Battleship, so why not have a bit of fun with the situation instead?

Scenario 1: (The Bait-an-American Technique)
American: Hey, is it true that cricket is like (snigger) a religion in your country? How can you guys worship a game that lasts for five days, man?
You: (In a small voice, adopting a facial expression of intense hurt) I don't make fun of your religion, do I?
A: (Confused) What? I wasn't making fun of your religion, bro! (Anxious now) I was just asking you about cricket…
Y: …which is, as is well established, a religion in my country. One of the major faiths, in fact. We have our own living God and all. Maybe you've seen the posters: "Cricket is our religion, Sachin is our God."
A: That little midget guy is considered a God?
Y: Again, I've never questioned the veracity of your own God…
A: Are you being serious?
Y: Yeah. I am.
A: (Defensive) Dude, I'm sorry. If I've offended you…
Y: (Magnanimous) It's okay, friend. You didn't know.
A: Well, I appreciate your being cool about it. As a liberal American the last thing I want to do is offend anyone's religious sensibilities.
Y: I know. And it's okay. My religion teaches us to forgive and forget. Especially forget. Just ask Irfan Pathan. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for the tea-time prayer.

Scenario 2: (Alternate approach to above situation) The "Oriental" Technique
A: Hey bro, how do you people watch a game that lasts for five days? (Good-natured chuckle)
Y: (Gazing mysteriously into the middle distance) Time is an illusion, my friend.
A: Say what?
Y: Time is cooking us all alive in this cauldron that is the world. All efforts, lengthy or brief, amount to the same in the end.
A: That sounds deep. Is that deep?
Y: It is.
A: In that case, say no more. You've convinced me. I'm going to grow a beard and backpack around the world until I find a cricket match I can find enlightenment in. Hey, you think I might consequently then get to invent something as important as the iPod as well?
Y: No.

Scenario 3: (The Absurdist technique)
A: Hey dude, you follow cricket don't you? I've always wanted to ask you something (beginnings of smile)… why, oh why does the ball bounce before reaching the batter?
Y: OMG, I was dreading that very question. (Looking about shiftily) It's almost too embarrassing to say.
A: Huh?
Y: The sad truth of the matter is, the ball isn't supposed to bounce before reaching the, uh, batter.
A: It isn't?
Y: Nope! The ball is supposed to come straight onto the bat, just as in baseball.
A: Okaaay… so why then?
Y: We didn't think anyone would notice otherwise! (At this point, hurry out of the bar/house/situation with your collar pulled up to hide your face, leaving behind your American friend thoroughly bemused).

Scenario 4: The Bait-an-American Technique 2
A: Why do teams often wear the same colour clothing during a match?
Y: In the game of cricket - a gentleman's game after all - we wear our uniforms as a metaphor, to illustrate that life's too short for petty divisions.
A: That's commendable. I'm all for world peace.
Y: Bless you, son.
A: (In tears) I love you, man.
Y: Really not necessary.

And finally, sometimes it just pays to tell the truth:

Scenario 5: The Dropping-the-bomb Technique
A: I just don't get cricket.
Y: Surprising, as it was once your national sport.
A: What?
Y: In fact, the first international cricket match was played between the US and Canada, in 1844.
A: My mind is blown. I will never see the world the same way ever again.
Y: You're welcome.