Euphoria at finding a rare English "mystery spinner" was cruelly aborted at ECB headquarters when it was revealed that the player in question drives a Ford Focus. "That just about scuppers his chances of being a mystery anything, let alone a spinner," said a spokesman for the board. "Everyone knows that to be seriously considered a mystery spinner, you should ideally be driving an Aston Martin. Hell, we would have even settled for a second-hand BMW with a well-concealed history of water damage. But a Ford Focus?" he sputtered in indignation. "And let this be a lesson to all budding mystery spinners out there," he added. "Please make your life decisions wisely. This isn't a ******* game."
Faced with the possibility of not winning it themselves, an insecure Australia are pinning their hopes on the game of cricket being the real winner of their series against South Africa. "If we can at least say that cricket eventually won in the end, we won't have to say that South Africa did," explained Michael Clarke. "Everyone knows that cricket is the real No. 1, anyway," he muttered unconvincingly while slowly rocking back and forth on the edge of his chair.
If a BCCI-backed petition is approved, commentators working in Asia will be penalised for saying that a batsman has been run out by a "country mile". Instead, they will henceforth be required by law to state that the batsman has been run out by "1.6 village kilometres". "Why should we Asians be using a foreign unit of measurement in our analogies for hilarious run-outs?" said a deliciously tickled Bishan Singh Bedi. "I can't believe we didn't think of this before."
Not to be outdone in the secret-dossier stakes, it has been learnt that a South African profile on Australian players has also been leaked to the press. Like its Australian counterpart, the SA document apparently contains instructions on how to exploit the weaknesses of every opposition player. Interestingly, the instructions are the same for each of the Australian players: "Try to get into the head of your opponent and wage a psychological war. Mentally disintegrate the bugger. Be brutal. This is best achieved by gently reminding him as politely and as often as you can of his team's failed and hilarious dossier on South African players."
Matthew Hayden is all set to release another cookbook. This time the former cricketing giant turned TV chef and food writer has focused his culinary expertise on the delicate art of preparing and eating crow. "Crow meat is an acquired taste, to say the least," said Hayden. "For the uninitiated, it can be a bit of a challenge getting past the idea of eating the bird. Luckily I've perfected various techniques of masking the taste of crow as you force the stuff down," he added.
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All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?