India's report card in Australia
In which several famous Marks, from Twain to Knoplfler, come into the picture
R Rajkumar
13-Jan-2015
"The good news is, doctors have said the stab wound in my back is not infected" • Getty Images
After a tough series, it's time for any self-respecting Indian fan to play schoolmaster from the comfort of a well padded armchair and judge how the players did. So how many Marks out of ten did they get? And how many Marcuses? Read on
Shikhar Dhawan: 9 out of 10 Marcus Brutuses
For allegedly shirking his responsibilities by feigning an injury to get out of facing the Aussie fast bowlers in the third Test and thereby stabbing Virat Kohli, who had to go out and face up "unprepared" and duly get himself out in a rare failure, in the proverbial back. Et tu, Shikhar?
For allegedly shirking his responsibilities by feigning an injury to get out of facing the Aussie fast bowlers in the third Test and thereby stabbing Virat Kohli, who had to go out and face up "unprepared" and duly get himself out in a rare failure, in the proverbial back. Et tu, Shikhar?
Virat Kohli, M Vijay, Ajinkya Rahane: 8 Mark Zuckerbergs out of 10
A highly successful series for each of these players individually. The only thing keeping them from getting 10 Mark Zuckerbergs out of 10 is the fact that they didn't manage to achieve the cricketing equivalent of Facebook buying out Instagram and Whatsapp - beating Australia in Australia.
A highly successful series for each of these players individually. The only thing keeping them from getting 10 Mark Zuckerbergs out of 10 is the fact that they didn't manage to achieve the cricketing equivalent of Facebook buying out Instagram and Whatsapp - beating Australia in Australia.
MS Dhoni: 5 Marcus Aureliuses out of 10
The Roman emperor was known for being a pretty chill guy in his time and for his espousal of the philosophy of stoicism, which proposed self-control as a means to overcome what were called "destructive emotions" brought about by errors in judgement. While Dhoni admirably managed to retain his famed sage-like repose in the most trying circumstances on this tour, it was often, ironically, this very calmness that proved destructive, as he often seemed to let the game drift and slip away from his control. Also, points deducted for being dethroned by the end of it all. And, sorry MS, the whole "greybeard" look is not nearly as impressive on you as it is on old Marcus.
The Roman emperor was known for being a pretty chill guy in his time and for his espousal of the philosophy of stoicism, which proposed self-control as a means to overcome what were called "destructive emotions" brought about by errors in judgement. While Dhoni admirably managed to retain his famed sage-like repose in the most trying circumstances on this tour, it was often, ironically, this very calmness that proved destructive, as he often seemed to let the game drift and slip away from his control. Also, points deducted for being dethroned by the end of it all. And, sorry MS, the whole "greybeard" look is not nearly as impressive on you as it is on old Marcus.
Dhoni also gets 7 Mark David Chapmans out of 10 for his indirect part in what some might call the attempted character assassinations of Kohli and Dhawan, after firing a few post-match salvoes that alluded to all not being well with them in the dressing room.
KL Rahul: 6 Mark Wahlbergs out of 10
While his Test debut was worth something more along the lines of 10 Marky Marks out of 10 on embarrassment factor alone, his subsequent reinvention of self in the final Test, improbable hundred plus spectacular catch and all, are worthy of at least a few post-Marky Mark Mark Wahlbergs.
While his Test debut was worth something more along the lines of 10 Marky Marks out of 10 on embarrassment factor alone, his subsequent reinvention of self in the final Test, improbable hundred plus spectacular catch and all, are worthy of at least a few post-Marky Mark Mark Wahlbergs.
Rohit Sharma: 10 Marc Anthonys out of 10
Girl my body don't lie
I'm outta my mind
Let it rain over me
I'm rising so high
Out of my mind
So let it rain over me
Girl my body don't lie
I'm outta my mind
Let it rain over me
I'm rising so high
Out of my mind
So let it rain over me
Ay ay ay
Ay ay ay
Let it rain over me
Ay ay ay
Let it rain over me
Ay ay ay
Ay ay ay
Let it rain over me
Ay ay ay
Let it rain over me
The more you actually pay attention to the lyrics (after forcing yourself to listen to the song) of "Rain Over Me," Marc Anthony's hit collaboration with Herschelle Gibbs, the more you come to the inescapable conclusion that the song is about Rohit Sharma's batting in Test matches, specifically his penchant for throwing away his wicket when seemingly well set. And apparently being just fine with that.
Ishant Sharma, Mohammed Shami, Bhuvneshwar Kumar, Umesh Yadav, Varun Aaron: 1 Mark Knopfler out of 10
In a series where for once much was expected of India's pace battery, they placed - due to poor form, injuries, or other - their side in dire straits.
In a series where for once much was expected of India's pace battery, they placed - due to poor form, injuries, or other - their side in dire straits.
Suresh Raina, Bhuvneshwar Kumar, Cheteshwar Pujara, R Ashwin: 10 Mark Hamills out of 10
Much was expected of these players on their first tour of Australia, but alas, like Hamill, who faded into obscurity after making a big splash as Luke Skywalker in Star Wars, these players just didn't show up for the party. Pujara's footwork was found to be no better than what one might imagine Jabba the Hutt's to be, and if there was one thing certain about Suresh Raina's painful stints at the crease, it was that he was not by any stretch of the imagination invoking the Force… As for Ashwin, apart from a brief, inconsequential flurry of wickets on the final day of a wearing pitch in Sydney, he was about as effective as C-3PO around a scrapyard magnet.
Much was expected of these players on their first tour of Australia, but alas, like Hamill, who faded into obscurity after making a big splash as Luke Skywalker in Star Wars, these players just didn't show up for the party. Pujara's footwork was found to be no better than what one might imagine Jabba the Hutt's to be, and if there was one thing certain about Suresh Raina's painful stints at the crease, it was that he was not by any stretch of the imagination invoking the Force… As for Ashwin, apart from a brief, inconsequential flurry of wickets on the final day of a wearing pitch in Sydney, he was about as effective as C-3PO around a scrapyard magnet.
Ravindra Jadeja, Shikhar Dhawan: 10 Mark Twains out of 10
For that thing that continues to grow unchecked over their upper lips. But also, 0 out of 10 Mark Twains for doing very little in the way of justifying having such moustaches. (Average Mark Twains out of 10: 5)
For that thing that continues to grow unchecked over their upper lips. But also, 0 out of 10 Mark Twains for doing very little in the way of justifying having such moustaches. (Average Mark Twains out of 10: 5)
And finally, 10 Mark Ranganathans out of 10 for Karn Sharma and Wriddhiman Saha.
R Rajkumar tweets @roundarmraj