All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
Sri Lanka Cricket has slammed the country's weather for scheduling a monsoon during the New Zealand tour after all six limited-overs matches were affected by rain. Three matches were abandoned without a result, while each of the other games was shortened significantly and gave a distinct advantage to the team batting second.
"I can't understand why the weather keeps having monsoons in November, when it knows that is the time of year when we play cricket in Sri Lanka," a senior SLC official said. "This tour was scheduled in 2008 and I'm staggered that we have run into problems again.
"You'd think that after what happened with the West Indies tour in 2010, the weather would have learnt its lesson and stopped scheduling the monsoon in November, but obviously it is completely incompetent and incapable of making even the simplest, most obvious, improvements."
West Indies played three Tests in Sri Lanka in 2010, all of which ended in rain-affected draws. The ODI series that was meant to take place after the Tests was postponed until late January.
SLC also said the situation shows no signs of improvement, with the monsoon again set to arrive in November 2013, when New Zealand are set to visit Sri Lanka for an ODI tour, and in November 2014, when England are in Sri Lanka.
"The only hope for those series is if the weather agrees to move its monsoon elsewhere in the calendar. Who on earth knows why it planned on arriving in November anyway? It's like the Sri Lankan weather is completely unaware of the cricket patterns in its own country.
"Moreover, it's also disappointing that the weather not only doesn't know when to rain, but also has no clue as to where to rain. Despite the fact that we have effectively abandoned our dry-zone cricket venue in Dambulla, the Dambulla area continues to stay dry, while the rains fall as usual on our wet-zone venues. It is obvious to us that the weather's moronic decisions are influenced by something other than common sense."
The rain could quite easily cull monsoons from its schedule, the official said, or at least postpone monsoons to a vaguely defined period in the future.
Members of the board are also said to have repeatedly lodged complaints with the incoming low-pressure systems by walking outside and howling at the clouds, but the parties concerned were yet to embark on any meaningful dialogue.
"The weather has been extremely unprofessional throughout this whole matter, and that is not something we stand for at Sri Lanka Cricket," the official said. "We have tried explaining this matter to it in a rational fashion, but it seems either too stupid or too self-interested to find any real solutions."