Excusez moi
Dog ate your homework? Surely you can do a little better than that
Nishi Narayanan
23-Aug-2010
Graeme Swann's cat-rescue story to get out of a drink-driving charge has inspired us to start a non-profit organisation that helps cricketers come up with excuses so outrageous, people have to believe them. These are some stories that the following players should have used to get out of trouble.
Jesse Ryder: the bar window incident
My bud Peter McGlashan was developing a line of gloves, helmets and pads and wanted me to try his products and then endorse them. I thought if the glove could withstand broken glass, it would do fine against Dale Steyn's bouncers. You know what happened next. Petey didn't want bad publicity for his gloves, so I was forced to make up the booze-fest story. They splashed whisky and vodka on my clothes and my cheeks and told me to slur for the cameras. I didn't know how to since I rarely get drunk, so they told me to imagine Ricky Ponting talking with the rewind button pressed.
My bud Peter McGlashan was developing a line of gloves, helmets and pads and wanted me to try his products and then endorse them. I thought if the glove could withstand broken glass, it would do fine against Dale Steyn's bouncers. You know what happened next. Petey didn't want bad publicity for his gloves, so I was forced to make up the booze-fest story. They splashed whisky and vodka on my clothes and my cheeks and told me to slur for the cameras. I didn't know how to since I rarely get drunk, so they told me to imagine Ricky Ponting talking with the rewind button pressed.
Suraj Randiv: the no-ball to Sehwag when he was on 99
Dilly told me we had gone back to the back-foot no-ball rule from that game.
Dilly told me we had gone back to the back-foot no-ball rule from that game.
Michael Slater: yelling at Dravid and Venkataraghavan
People in India have hated me since I apparently mouthed off at Rahul Dravid during the Mumbai Test in 2001. It was a misunderstanding. When I took the catch, I ran over to Rahul to tell him he could take a walk. But then I saw his face. It was pouring sweat like the Mekong delta. I told him, "Rahul, mate, what the f*** are you doing? I saw you order the mega-cheeseburger and choco milkshake last night. That'll f*** you mate, f*** you bad." The ump walked up to intervene and said the food had been for a party to commemorate eight years since his first correct decision in Test cricket. I told him: "Venks, I love you like my weird uncle from abroad who brings hotel shampoo for a gift but you're totally out of line here. I'd refer you to the third umpire if I could." Then I advised Rahul on a diet of fresh fruit and vegetables, with plenty of yoga. You'll have noticed how much his fitness has improved since I had that little talk with him.
People in India have hated me since I apparently mouthed off at Rahul Dravid during the Mumbai Test in 2001. It was a misunderstanding. When I took the catch, I ran over to Rahul to tell him he could take a walk. But then I saw his face. It was pouring sweat like the Mekong delta. I told him, "Rahul, mate, what the f*** are you doing? I saw you order the mega-cheeseburger and choco milkshake last night. That'll f*** you mate, f*** you bad." The ump walked up to intervene and said the food had been for a party to commemorate eight years since his first correct decision in Test cricket. I told him: "Venks, I love you like my weird uncle from abroad who brings hotel shampoo for a gift but you're totally out of line here. I'd refer you to the third umpire if I could." Then I advised Rahul on a diet of fresh fruit and vegetables, with plenty of yoga. You'll have noticed how much his fitness has improved since I had that little talk with him.
Dale Steyn: the spitting incident
The problem with umpires and match referees is that they have never experienced life in the wild. When I got out, big Benn walked past me to celebrate. With my keen hunter's eye, I saw a leech position itself for a good suck on his leg, just above the sock. There wasn't enough time to warn him (and honestly, I thought he'd plug me in the eye if I grabbed his arm and tried to stop him). After my prank of heating a dressing-room chair, which led to Jacques being unable to sit for a few days, skipper had taken away my box of matches. So the only thing I could do was aim a wad of spit at Benn's foot. And you know what? It ricocheted off the aglet and hit the leech square between its eyes. By the time Benn turned around, the leech had fallen off and been squashed into the ground by his boot. And with it went proof of my innocence.
The problem with umpires and match referees is that they have never experienced life in the wild. When I got out, big Benn walked past me to celebrate. With my keen hunter's eye, I saw a leech position itself for a good suck on his leg, just above the sock. There wasn't enough time to warn him (and honestly, I thought he'd plug me in the eye if I grabbed his arm and tried to stop him). After my prank of heating a dressing-room chair, which led to Jacques being unable to sit for a few days, skipper had taken away my box of matches. So the only thing I could do was aim a wad of spit at Benn's foot. And you know what? It ricocheted off the aglet and hit the leech square between its eyes. By the time Benn turned around, the leech had fallen off and been squashed into the ground by his boot. And with it went proof of my innocence.
Andrew Symonds: going fishing
I don't know what the fuss was all about. Our visitors were from Bangladesh and I wanted to welcome them with a meal that reminded them of home, so I went to get some fresh fish.
I don't know what the fuss was all about. Our visitors were from Bangladesh and I wanted to welcome them with a meal that reminded them of home, so I went to get some fresh fish.
Gautam Gambhir: the elbow affair
Watto and I had had a chat a few balls before, about this and that, you know. We realised we had so much in common and he invited me to a holiday in Australia and I told him I'd take him round to the Taj Mahal when he came down next. I know everyone goes on about me and Viru being best buds, but you know there's only so much of "ordinary" talk one can take. What does a man do when he wants to know how best to deep-moisturise his face before a night of partying? Or how to deal with an outbreak of rashes after a waxing session? As I went for a run, I looked up at the big screen and something caught my eye. I did what any bro would do. I nudged Watto in the ribs to look at the gorgeous woman on the screen, but before I could ask him to be my wingman, Ponting rushed over and got all nasty about how he was Watto's wingman. And then he complained to the umpire. I guess I was better off with Viru.
Watto and I had had a chat a few balls before, about this and that, you know. We realised we had so much in common and he invited me to a holiday in Australia and I told him I'd take him round to the Taj Mahal when he came down next. I know everyone goes on about me and Viru being best buds, but you know there's only so much of "ordinary" talk one can take. What does a man do when he wants to know how best to deep-moisturise his face before a night of partying? Or how to deal with an outbreak of rashes after a waxing session? As I went for a run, I looked up at the big screen and something caught my eye. I did what any bro would do. I nudged Watto in the ribs to look at the gorgeous woman on the screen, but before I could ask him to be my wingman, Ponting rushed over and got all nasty about how he was Watto's wingman. And then he complained to the umpire. I guess I was better off with Viru.
Matt Prior: the jelly beans saga
I had nothing to do with the jelly beans on the pitch near Zaheer, I'm just telling you how they got there. "Someone" told Cookie that these were dem magic beans. You know the ones Jack used to get up the beanstalk to the giant's house with? Well, Cookie was told these beans would take him to The X Factor studio, where, it seems, Simon Cowell was particularly looking for "men who are prettier than their girlfriends" talent. He thought if he landed the audition he would never have to deal with intolerable occupational hazards like grass stains and body odour ever again. You know the rest. Vaughan got so mad at Cookie's stupidity, he banned sweets and reality TV from the dressing room forever. In fact, even now Cookie can't help wincing when he sees Dannii Minogue on TV.
I had nothing to do with the jelly beans on the pitch near Zaheer, I'm just telling you how they got there. "Someone" told Cookie that these were dem magic beans. You know the ones Jack used to get up the beanstalk to the giant's house with? Well, Cookie was told these beans would take him to The X Factor studio, where, it seems, Simon Cowell was particularly looking for "men who are prettier than their girlfriends" talent. He thought if he landed the audition he would never have to deal with intolerable occupational hazards like grass stains and body odour ever again. You know the rest. Vaughan got so mad at Cookie's stupidity, he banned sweets and reality TV from the dressing room forever. In fact, even now Cookie can't help wincing when he sees Dannii Minogue on TV.
Nishi Narayanan is a staff writer at Cricinfo