Time for members to put on a show for rain-soaked hoi polloi (23 June 1997)

Monday 23 June 1997

Time for members to put on a show for rain-soaked hoi polloi

By Michael Parkinson

I AM sure Roger Knight`s appeal to the crowd`s better nature at Lord`s was well meant but I could have done without it. Because a few citizens were unruly at Edgbaston, there is no reason to assume the rest of us need reminding about our manners.

In any case Lord`s is quite the wrong place to start bossing people about. There is quite enough of the Us and Them situation already without the divide being underlined by a finger wagging from the games master. You might just get away with such an impertinence elsewhere but at Lord`s it sounds very much like the hon sec reminding outsiders not to awaken the members.

None of us wants foul mouthed or racial abuse at any of our sporting events. When it happens it should be summarily dealt with by police and/or stewards. If the authorities were as quick to react and eject these people as they are to catch and evict streakers the problem would disappear in a trice.

What we have to be careful about is dissuading a healthy and robust dialogue between players and spectators. Too of- ten cricket has appeared toffee nosed and disapproving of noisy demonstration whether it be made by a calypso band or the Barmy Army.

If the oft-expressed buzzword of "passion" is to mean anything at all, then free and noisy expression must be encouraged and not sniffed at. What is more, there are certain sporting events with a tradition of hostility which stops short - but only just - of a declaration of war between the countries concerned. England v Australia is the best example.

Had Mr Knight made his announcement at Sydney or the Melbourne Cricket Ground they wouldn`t have stopped laughing for a week and Roger would have been smuggled out of the ground in an ice cream van wearing a Greg Matthews hair weave.

The history of the Ashes is written in blood and guts. These games can only be seen against an agitated background of chauvinism, prejudice and bigotry. Such emotions are unlikely to be expressed either quietly or politely. Moreover, an ex-cricketer like Mr Knight knows that insults from the crowd are mild compared to what the players say to each other in the middle.

Indeed any self-respecting history of sporting insults would be largely devoted to cricket with the longest chapter on games between Aussies and Poms. The joy of cricket is its complicated blend of brain and muscle.

It makes for a rich diversity of abusive behaviour and language both on and off the field for instance, although most sledging seems about as subtle as a nail-studded truncheon, there are instances of it begetting an artistic form of insult. My late father was rather good at subtle sledging designed to sow seeds of doubt in an opponent`s mind.

Once, when we were playing together many years ago, he brought along a new fast bowler just returned from the war and played him for the first time in a local derby game which al- ways turned nasty.

After four or five overs in which the new man comfortably demonstrated he was the quickest thing ever seen in our league and had spread terror through our opponents, the opposing captain said to my father: "By God, John Willy, where did you find this lad?" My father said: "He`s been away at the war." "He`s a bit bloody quick," said the skipper. My father considered this for a moment and then said: "He is that, but tha` should have seen what he was like before he got gassed."

Rather than threatening spectators with a spell in one of Lord MacLaurin`s boot camps if they don`t behave, MCC should start thinking how to entertain them when rain stops play.

I have long been in favour of a display of free-fall sky-diving by MCC members. With a gimmick or two like blindfold jumps, this could provide hours of popular entertainment for the hoi polloi. Similarly, an MCC formation dancing team would not only please the crowd but also give members the chance to discover what women look and feel like so that when they leave Lord`s and mingle with the real world they don`t get arrested.

Another problem causing concern at headquarters is that of cricketers walking through the long room on the way to the middle improperly dressed. A letter from three members - Sir Ringworm Bracegirdle, Rear Admiral Egbert Dripping and the Rev Persimmon Mince - was read at a recent meeting of the Deportment, Dress and General Appearance of Members (Facial Hair, Earrings and Turbans) Committee.

An extract illuminates the complaint: "Our morning in the Long Room was ruined by frequent interruptions from people without jackets and wearing open-necked shirts. When we asked stewards if they were members we were informed they were cricketers on their way to the wicket. He seemed to think this was a satisfactory answer. We did not. If they are necessary to the game can they not be re-directed? If not will you ensure they are properly attired in the future?"

Sources close to D J Insole tell me there are plans to provide players with a jacket and tie to wear going out to bat and hand them to the umpire upon reaching the middle. In future umpires will be provided with a small portable wardrobe on castors and equipped with coathangers.

A further suggestion requiring the players to wear periwig and ruffle will be considered sometime in the future. An alternative scheme believed to have support in some quarters is that players are hooked on to a high wire and flown into the middle. They return to the dressing room via a trapdoor and underground tunnel.

An application for Lottery Funds to finance the changes will depend upon the success of the MCC formation dancing team.

Another way of entertaining the crowd and maximising the talents on tap to the England team would be to persuade David Lloyd to do stand-up. Having followed his career as an after dinner speaker I have little doubt he could earn a fortune as a professional comedian.

His performance at Michael Atherton`s benefit dinner in London the other night showed how much he has learned from his heroes: Robb Wilton, Ken Platt and the immortal Jimmy James. His love of a laugh is undoubtedly a major factor in the transformation of his team into a happy and confident unit.

Dave Gilbert, the cricket manager of Surrey, told me that nowadays his players arrive back from England duty in high spirits and fine fettle. "They obviously enjoy it," he said. Talking to David Lloyd it wasn`t difficult to see why. He is a man in love with his job. Enthusing about England`s win at Edgbaston he was particularly impressed by Darren Gough`s bowling.

"He`s a character," said Lloyd. "Loves a moan, the other day I told him to stop moaning. He told me he likes moaning, that he`s never happier than when he is having a gripe. It reminded me of that bloke watching a comedian who turned to his neighbour and said: `He`s very good isn`t he?` And his neighbour replied: `He`s all right if you like laughing.` "

Source :: The Electronic Telegraph (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/)