May 14, 2011


The cat burglary of Shane Warne

Andrew Hughes
Greg Chappell speaks at the 7th Annual Sir Donald Bradman Oration, Melbourne, November 19, 2009
"... the spinners will go to Sri Lanka, the quicks to South Africa and the rest to the Champions League"  © Getty Images


Tuesday, May 10th The plot has thickened in Rajasthan. Someone or something, though more likely someone, told the chaps in electric blue that they had to play on pitch A and not pitch B. Just a few short hours later, they lost to Chennai. Coincidence? Probably. Chennai are better. But Warney reckons strange things are afoot. The BCCI say no team can choose which pitch to play on. Who’s telling the truth? Who knows? Who cares?

Let’s be honest, the great Jaipur pitch switch is a bit disappointing; the Delhi Daredevils of conspiracy theories. But it is a cunning way of explaining a Rajasthan thrashing. Warne is the cat burglar of excuses, pretending to be at a society party, whilst all the time Twittering his way over silent rooftops, slipping quietly through a window and leaving a card marked “The Blame” on the Jaipur groundsman’s pillow.

Wednesday, May 11th Mr Ijaz Butt has spoken. In an interview with the Complacent Administration Monthly he announced that he had succeeded in eradicating “Player Power” - an undesirable state of affairs in which players have too much influence in Pakistan cricket, and has instituted “Butt Power” - an altogether more satisfactory arrangement in which a benevolent, grey-haired leader rules over the sport forever.

He also revealed that the PCB are planning to cash in on the sudden popularity of a small area of northern Pakistan. The Abottobad Premier League will feature franchises made up of locals, sightseers and journalists. Keiron Pollard has already signed up to play for two of the teams.

Thursday, May 12th In unsurprising news today, Pope Benedict XVI made a statement confirming that he was still a strong adherent of the Catholic faith; the Forestry Commission announced the complete success of their campaign to encourage bear defecation in deciduous woodland; the earth was noted to have rotated once on its axis and Kevin Pietersen lost his wicket to a left-arm spinner.

Friday, May 13th After research commissioned by Cricket Australia revealed that South Africa is not the same as Sri Lanka, Greg Chappell has announced a radical new selection policy. This year the selectors will be picking different squads for different tours, according to the prevailing conditions. Personally I think they’ve gone for the right option.

Those other options in full:

1. Pick the same squad for both tours regardless (“The Hilditch Option”) 2. Pick different squads for different tours but get them the wrong way round 3. Fail to pick a squad for either tour.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

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Posted by Lakisha on (September 6, 2011, 15:23 GMT)

Holy sizhint, this is so cool thank you.

Posted by Jaycee on (September 5, 2011, 10:51 GMT)

Keep on writnig and chugging away!

Posted by ram on (May 16, 2011, 15:53 GMT)

nice one andrew...good to read something refreshing and light about cricket...waiting for another one

Posted by Ashish on (May 16, 2011, 4:23 GMT)

"In an interview with the Complacent Administration Monthly"..hahaha... how good is this guy!

Posted by Razi on (May 16, 2011, 3:32 GMT)

Andrew : I appreciate your reply .. Sorry If I have jumped to any conclusions ... The pun has just left a bad taste in my mouth .. told you the reason already .. but you have your reason sorted out .. You have every reason to stick to it .... any taunt about Abottabad in the near future would not be taken lightly by Pakistanis ..


Posted by praxis on (May 16, 2011, 0:18 GMT)

Great piece man, loved it! Hope that you'll write something on Pak vs WI test series in the next post. Many of us are truly relieved to see some proper cricket among all these T-20 games.

Posted by Andrew Hughes on (May 15, 2011, 14:04 GMT)

Razi, Kamran and Imran

I appreciate your sentiment, though I disagree with your conclusions. I was not referring to the difficulties that Pakistan is going through. It was purely a comment on the phenomenon of thousands of sightseers and journalists descending on a small town and perhaps also the various , sometimes desperate attempts that we have seen around the world to set up T20 leagues to cash in on the popularity of the format.

I did not and would not attempt to make humour out of the wider situation in Pakistan or the fact that people are dying. And, even if I were so callous as to attempt such a thing, I am sure that Cricinfo would not publish it.

Posted by Pradeep on (May 15, 2011, 11:28 GMT)

"Fail to pick a squad for either tour. " ...A good one in the context :)

Posted by Alfred on (May 15, 2011, 7:33 GMT)

Absolutely love the 12th of May!

Posted by gujjarkhan on (May 15, 2011, 6:58 GMT)

abbotabad premier league would be better thn the IPL interms of entertainment provided to tv spectators

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Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

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