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The week on Twitter

'AB, I hope u remember me, it's Jeffrey Archer'

Celebrity hook-ups, dog turds, tea theft and other excitement in this week's round-up

Alex Bowden

Comments: 2 | Text size: A | A
It was a damp night for Kevin Pietersen's return, Surrey v Hampshire, FLt20 South Group, The Oval, July 2, 2012
Kevin Pietersen has been pondering the origin of faeces among other things recently © Getty Images

The retirement
Is Kevin Pietersen keeping himself busy since he retired from one-day internationals?

"Our dog has just done a poo & within a couple mins there are flies on it.. Are flies like taxi's sitting at a cab rank waiting for a job?"

Oh good, he's sitting around staring at dog excrement. Would hate to think he wasn't making good use of his time. Anything else?

"Anyone ever put hamburger relish on their toast in the am thinking its strawberry jam? I'm such a doughnut! #muppet"

Lord above. Do us all a favour, Kev: pick up your cricket bat and get yourself down to the nets.

The rhyming dictionary
Saqlain Mushtaq's got some words of wisdom for you. They rhyme.

"Health is big wealth"

"Old is gold"

Saq is back.

The man's man
Nottinghamshire's James Taylor knows how to spend his free time.

"Guilty pleasures for me today. Dippy eggs and soldiers, satin pyjamas and Jeremy Kyle USA."

Egg yolk and satin. That could prove a dangerous combination.

The monopoly
Shane Warne's been thrashing the kids at board games.

"Monopoly abandoned due to exhaustion, fatigue & that I was more than likely to win again... To be continued.... Goodnight all..."

Then, two days later.

"The hat comes through with the goods on the monopoly board again !!!! Well done me hahahah"

Cricket or monopoly, England or his own kids - Shane's still perfectly happy to gloat over a victory.

The caring father
When it comes to that kind of paternalism, Graeme Swann can probably empathise.

"I stole most of Wilf's tea and just gave him a banana. He'll understand when he's older."

But what exactly will he understand, Graeme? That his dad's a thief? (Albeit a thief who reimburses you with tropical fruit.)

The self-motivation
Sulieman Benn's talking to himself.

"Keep moving tall man...something going to break for you" @suliebenn

Why he's doing this via Twitter rather than within his own head is not known. Expect future updates to include: "Don't forget to get petrol, Sulieman," and "Remember to get the chicken out of the freezer to defrost in time for tea, tall man."

The meat sweats
Scott Styris and his Sussex team-mates have been eating out.

"So far the boys have downed 30 racks of spare ribs with Chris Nash smashing 6! #heavymeatsweats"

If you follow many cricketers on Twitter, you'll know that they never simply "eat" food - they always "smash" it. It's kind of annoying, actually.

What's your philosophy?
Hashim Amla keeps Shaun Pollock out of this segment this week.

"If your outward travel does not make you travel inwardly at the same time then you haven't traveled at all."

Not strictly true - you've still physically travelled and that definitely counts. Anyway, there'll be plenty of opportunities for inward travel if the weather in England stays how it's been of late.

The rendezvous
AB de Villiers met up with an old friend.

"Received a phone call 3 hours ago. The man said, "AB, I hope u remember me,it's Jeffrey Archer here". I couldn't get a word out! #speechless"

Apparently they went for a walk and "shared a few thoughts". Jeffrey probably had plenty to say. He's a person who had a couple of years to travel inwardly but not outwardly, what with that whole "perverting the course of justice" thing.

Getting to know God
He's back! Where's he been all this time?

"Some unbelievable tennis display by Federer n Andy."

God's just been lounging around watching tennis.

The professional expertise
Steven Finn was also watching the Wimbledon final.

"Any cricketer could have told the people at wimbledon that that shower wasn't just passing. That was an early lunch sort of cloud"

Nando's Watch
"Hello nandos! You are about to be destroyed! Feeling very hank #getinmybelly"

You weren't planning on smashing it, then? Just destroying it?

RSS FeedAlex Bowden blogs at King Cricket

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Comments: 2 
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Posted by Tom on (July 13, 2012, 2:23 GMT)

Excellent. "Kevin Pietersen has been pondering the origin of faeces" = quality.

Posted by Dummy4 on (July 12, 2012, 14:34 GMT)

The captions are simply hilarious!

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