The Heavy Ball
'AB, I hope u remember me, it's Jeffrey Archer'
Celebrity hook-ups, dog turds, tea theft and other excitement in this week's round-up
Is Kevin Pietersen keeping himself busy since he retired from one-day internationals?
Oh good, he's sitting around staring at dog excrement. Would hate to think he wasn't making good use of his time. Anything else?
Lord above. Do us all a favour, Kev: pick up your cricket bat and get yourself down to the nets.
The rhyming dictionary
Saqlain Mushtaq's got some words of wisdom for you. They rhyme.
Saq is back.
The man's man
Nottinghamshire's James Taylor knows how to spend his free time.
Egg yolk and satin. That could prove a dangerous combination.
Shane Warne's been thrashing the kids at board games.
Then, two days later.
Cricket or monopoly, England or his own kids - Shane's still perfectly happy to gloat over a victory.
The caring father
When it comes to that kind of paternalism, Graeme Swann can probably empathise.
But what exactly will he understand, Graeme? That his dad's a thief? (Albeit a thief who reimburses you with tropical fruit.)
Sulieman Benn's talking to himself.
Why he's doing this via Twitter rather than within his own head is not known. Expect future updates to include: "Don't forget to get petrol, Sulieman," and "Remember to get the chicken out of the freezer to defrost in time for tea, tall man."
The meat sweats
Scott Styris and his Sussex team-mates have been eating out.
If you follow many cricketers on Twitter, you'll know that they never simply "eat" food - they always "smash" it. It's kind of annoying, actually.
What's your philosophy?
Hashim Amla keeps Shaun Pollock out of this segment this week.
Not strictly true - you've still physically travelled and that definitely counts. Anyway, there'll be plenty of opportunities for inward travel if the weather in England stays how it's been of late.
AB de Villiers met up with an old friend.
Apparently they went for a walk and "shared a few thoughts". Jeffrey probably had plenty to say. He's a person who had a couple of years to travel inwardly but not outwardly, what with that whole "perverting the course of justice" thing.
Getting to know God
He's back! Where's he been all this time?
God's just been lounging around watching tennis.
The professional expertise
Steven Finn was also watching the Wimbledon final.
You weren't planning on smashing it, then? Just destroying it?