'A debut-like feeling' - Taylor grateful for second chance with Zimbabwe

Brendan Taylor has described making his comeback to international cricket as "a debut-like feeling," ahead of Zimbabwe's second Test against New Zealand in Bulawayo.

Taylor, who spoke to ESPNcricinfo in May about his struggles with alcohol and drug addiction, his sanction and his plans for the future, returned to Zimbabwe's XI after serving a three-and-a-half-year ban for breaching the ICC's anti-corruption code with a new lease on life.

"How good is it that three years ago, I couldn't get out of bed and now I am here doing what I love, and that's representing Zimbabwe?" Taylor told the broadcaster in an emotional interview before the first day's play. "Dealing with the sanction, dealing with my own internal chaos - there was not a specific day, there were multiple days of trauma.

"I was in the dark depths in the abyss and trying to just get through this total and incomprehensible demoralisation of life. It was incredibly difficult."

In 2021, Taylor abruptly retired from international cricket in Belfast and seven months later revealed that he had been approached by fixers, who threatened him with exposing his use of cocaine unless he acted on their instruction. He refused to do that, retired, and then checked himself into rehab when his ban was announced in early 2022. Taylor, who could not be involved in any official cricketing structures due to the conditions of his sanction, then set up a coaching facility in his home, as he hoped to move into coaching on his return. However, Zimbabwe's Cricket MD Givemore Makoni convinced Taylor to return to playing with the 2027 World Cup in mind and he is ready to give it his all after years of introspection.

"There's always that shame and guilt of letting down your family. That's a tough thing to deal with. But the way my family rallied and supported me was overwhelming. It's almost a regret why I didn't lean on them earlier."

Taylor's wife, Kelly-Anne, found out about his drug problem with the rest of the world and initially did not believe him when he left their home for rehab. "I felt it was something I got myself into and I needed to fix it myself. I thought the dream had gone and I was content with it," Taylor said.

His time at the centre in the Eastern Highlands of Zimbabwe changed his perspective on life and also thanked his family, friends, team-mates and those in ZC for supporting him.

"Then came the joys and promises of recovery, something that is very dear to me," he said. "Getting my life back on track is the reason why I am able to be here. If I had not made that life changing decision, none of this would have been possible.

"There have been some very important people in my corner, showing me a new way to live and I am eternally grateful for that. There are a few people in Zimbabwe Cricket that I have to thank, especially the chairman and the MD, who have been absolutely pivotal in their support to having me back."

The moment of being handed his 36th Test cap, "meant the world to me. It was a moment of pure gratitude and real emotion to be welcomed back with open arms," Taylor said. "It was not the reaction I was expecting. But it's certainly a moment of reflection and real gratitude. It's so rewarding to see the amount of cricket Zimbabwe Cricket is putting out there. I have trained harder than I have ever trained in my life to get back there. If performances happen, that's great but there's a much bigger picture here for me to play. It's an honour to play again. It's a debut-like feeling."

With Zimbabwe on a six-match losing streak and batting a particular problem for them, Taylor was installed at the top of the order instead of his usual No.4 role. Early on, he left well and scored his first runs as he tried to duck against a Jacob Duffy short ball which he edged over the wicket-keeper for four.

Taylor will not keep wicket in this Test but said he believes he is in better shape than ever before, almost 20 kilograms lighter than he was through most of his international career and "living good, clean and healthy."