Kicking, lip-reading, and the obligatory Sreesanth episode
Shows of petulance, threats of nudity, and a Pakistani in the IPL - all in our look back at the last 10 days of the tournament
S Aga
16-Apr-2010
Lord have mercy, it's Professor Jones • Rob Elliott/AFP
The moment of madness
Not a patch on Slapgate, but no one's really complaining. The needles busted right off the dial on our sarcasm detectors during one of last week's games when Sreesanth applauded Michael Lumb for having hit a four off him, then turned around to the umpire and applauded him for having no-balled him twice in a row. As we watched like rubberneckers at a car crash, Yuvraj Singh, looking furious, walked up to Sreesanth... and talked cricket's premier crackpot down. Bah.
Not a patch on Slapgate, but no one's really complaining. The needles busted right off the dial on our sarcasm detectors during one of last week's games when Sreesanth applauded Michael Lumb for having hit a four off him, then turned around to the umpire and applauded him for having no-balled him twice in a row. As we watched like rubberneckers at a car crash, Yuvraj Singh, looking furious, walked up to Sreesanth... and talked cricket's premier crackpot down. Bah.
The small mercies
No, Shah Rukh Khan will not dance naked at the IPL closing ceremony if his team wins. SRK, who announced he would dance naked if Kolkata won (insert fat-chance-type witticism here) later announced he wouldn't, he was just joking, the sordid tease. This promptly fried the brains of most of Shahrukh's fan base, who were not used to indulging in the arduous mental work needed to decode such complexities.
No, Shah Rukh Khan will not dance naked at the IPL closing ceremony if his team wins. SRK, who announced he would dance naked if Kolkata won (insert fat-chance-type witticism here) later announced he wouldn't, he was just joking, the sordid tease. This promptly fried the brains of most of Shahrukh's fan base, who were not used to indulging in the arduous mental work needed to decode such complexities.
"Doesn't anybody take a joke anymore," Shah Rukh fumed on Twitter after reports in the press announced he could be taken to court for obscenity, and that even if he didn't intend to actually dance naked, he could be prosecuted under section 415 of the Indian Penal Code for cheating. How, pray? Because Shah Rukh's statement "was on television and hence reached several girls. This makes him liable for prosecution for insulting the modesty of girls". Eh?
Right, so we'll just have to content ourselves with other near-naked washed-up has-beens on the night, then.
The frequent flier
What is the deal with Mandira Bedi? First she announced she was shattered at being dropped from the Sony presentation team and stalked off to England to inflict her amazing technicolour wardrobe on ITV viewers. Then she turned up on some of the pre-game shows here in India. All the while, her newspaper columns kept us updated on crucial details of which cricketer told her what about her choice of clothes. And now she's back in the UK for the final leg. Make your mind up, woman.
What is the deal with Mandira Bedi? First she announced she was shattered at being dropped from the Sony presentation team and stalked off to England to inflict her amazing technicolour wardrobe on ITV viewers. Then she turned up on some of the pre-game shows here in India. All the while, her newspaper columns kept us updated on crucial details of which cricketer told her what about her choice of clothes. And now she's back in the UK for the final leg. Make your mind up, woman.
The fashion victim
Speaking of dress sense, don't anybody tell Jeetendra, but red is the new white - as anyone who's seen Vinay Kumar's take on ensemble dressing will testify. Kumar's tomato-coloured shoes have been quite the showstoppers, and he's got a fan following as well - Rusty Theron seems to have taken to wearing them too.
Speaking of dress sense, don't anybody tell Jeetendra, but red is the new white - as anyone who's seen Vinay Kumar's take on ensemble dressing will testify. Kumar's tomato-coloured shoes have been quite the showstoppers, and he's got a fan following as well - Rusty Theron seems to have taken to wearing them too.
The return
Lock up your brain cells, it's "Professor" Dean Jones, and he's back, this time on NDTV, with his blackboard, his mortarboard hat and more facial contortions than Danny Morrison at a jalapeno tasting, to bring you expert analysis - allegedly. Compulsory listening for those who want the thrills of a circus and a lobotomy at the same time.
Lock up your brain cells, it's "Professor" Dean Jones, and he's back, this time on NDTV, with his blackboard, his mortarboard hat and more facial contortions than Danny Morrison at a jalapeno tasting, to bring you expert analysis - allegedly. Compulsory listening for those who want the thrills of a circus and a lobotomy at the same time.
The Pakistani presence
Shoaib Malik's all over the Indian papers, and up in Rajasthan, Kamran Akmal has been turning out to do a little bowling for the Royals under the name Aditya Dole. Kamran has bulked up some, it would appear, but considering he dropped two catches in one game last week, the disguise isn't quite working.
Shoaib Malik's all over the Indian papers, and up in Rajasthan, Kamran Akmal has been turning out to do a little bowling for the Royals under the name Aditya Dole. Kamran has bulked up some, it would appear, but considering he dropped two catches in one game last week, the disguise isn't quite working.
The Forrest Gump
This year's Glenn McGrath, Makhaya Ntini has sat on the Chennai bench so long, it's welded to his bottom. Unlike McGrath, he can still manage a smile.
This year's Glenn McGrath, Makhaya Ntini has sat on the Chennai bench so long, it's welded to his bottom. Unlike McGrath, he can still manage a smile.
The escape artist
What, no boiling in oil? When Ishant Sharma failed to stop a boundary during a recent game and expressed his angst by kicking at an electronic ad board - for the IPL's official website, no less - everyone sat back with satisfied expressions and waited for the hammer to fall. Surely, the least he could hope to get away with was the death penalty, given the magnitude of the offence? But no, not even a slap on the wrist for our hero. Perhaps the argument was that being in KKR was punishment enough.
What, no boiling in oil? When Ishant Sharma failed to stop a boundary during a recent game and expressed his angst by kicking at an electronic ad board - for the IPL's official website, no less - everyone sat back with satisfied expressions and waited for the hammer to fall. Surely, the least he could hope to get away with was the death penalty, given the magnitude of the offence? But no, not even a slap on the wrist for our hero. Perhaps the argument was that being in KKR was punishment enough.
The prediction
In the first Bangalore-Deccan match, third ball of the 11th over, with Deccan one down, Robin Uthappa helpfully piped up from behind the stumps: "No. 2 coming up". 10.4: Anil Kumble dropped a googly in short, Adam Gilchrist came down the pitch and missed, and was out stumped. Now, that Uthappa has always been a power-of-positive-thinking kind of fellow, but this was ridiculous.
In the first Bangalore-Deccan match, third ball of the 11th over, with Deccan one down, Robin Uthappa helpfully piped up from behind the stumps: "No. 2 coming up". 10.4: Anil Kumble dropped a googly in short, Adam Gilchrist came down the pitch and missed, and was out stumped. Now, that Uthappa has always been a power-of-positive-thinking kind of fellow, but this was ridiculous.
The devious plan
Andrew Symonds puts the gem in stratagem. How did Bangalore implode against Deccan in their return game? Why, anyone with half a brain knows that Deccan's win was purely due to the messages Symmo whispered out of the side of his mouth to his bowlers and captain at the death, with his cap cunningly covering the lower half of his face - thus foiling the millions of lip readers watching on television, who were all ready to contact the Bangalore batsmen using advanced satellite technology to let them know just what was coming up.
Andrew Symonds puts the gem in stratagem. How did Bangalore implode against Deccan in their return game? Why, anyone with half a brain knows that Deccan's win was purely due to the messages Symmo whispered out of the side of his mouth to his bowlers and captain at the death, with his cap cunningly covering the lower half of his face - thus foiling the millions of lip readers watching on television, who were all ready to contact the Bangalore batsmen using advanced satellite technology to let them know just what was coming up.
The irony
At last Sunday's Rajasthan-Mumbai match, play was held up for about eight minutes at the start because of the clouds of insect-repellent smoke that had been unleashed to deal with the clouds of moths.
At last Sunday's Rajasthan-Mumbai match, play was held up for about eight minutes at the start because of the clouds of insect-repellent smoke that had been unleashed to deal with the clouds of moths.
The tease
That gold-wearing prankster Rudi Koertzen was in the middle of it again last week. In the Kolkata v Delhi game, Virender Sehwag seemed to nick one off Ashok Dinda, whereupon the bowler appealed and Rudi laboriously began to draw his finger out of its holster; but about a quarter of the way into its route, just as the KKR fielders began to pass out the rosogollas, the hand slipped nonchalantly into Koertzen's pants pocket, he stuck his hip out quizzically and assumed an inscrutable half-smile.
That gold-wearing prankster Rudi Koertzen was in the middle of it again last week. In the Kolkata v Delhi game, Virender Sehwag seemed to nick one off Ashok Dinda, whereupon the bowler appealed and Rudi laboriously began to draw his finger out of its holster; but about a quarter of the way into its route, just as the KKR fielders began to pass out the rosogollas, the hand slipped nonchalantly into Koertzen's pants pocket, he stuck his hip out quizzically and assumed an inscrutable half-smile.