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The Heavy Ball

The Kevin Pietersen reintegration package

England's players work together to bring KP back into the fold

Alan Tyers
Kevin Pietersen checks his notes, Colombo, October 3, 2012

Kevin Pietersen is puzzled by the clause: Please give us the number of your stylist, when you get the chance  •  Getty Images

The "reintegration of Kevin Pietersen into the group", aside from making him sound like an exotic zoo creature that has been bullied by rival males for having an intimidatingly gaudy plumage*, has necessitated some concessions and commitments on all sides. Like the following:
Kevin has agreed to…
… nod politely and pretend to be interested when senior professionals express concern about important matters of squad harmony, such as the vital question of who gets first go on the team PlayStation after nap time.
… not walk around in favourite t-shirt that carries the message "Moores… Strauss… You're next, buddy".
… not laugh at team-mates about World Twenty20 efforts or wave wads of money he got from commentary duties while they were gibbering helplessly in face of Harbhajan, etc.
… switch from Blackberry to iPhone.
Stuart has agreed to…
… continue to focus on taking the positives going forward.
… not defriend anybody's likes or direct message their tweet profiles or whatever the hell it is these sporting enforcers get up to in their spare time.
Jimmy has agreed to…
… not accuse Kevin of cashing in on his England status for personal financial gain; read more about this in Jimmy's book, available in all good bookshops for £19.99.
Swanny has agreed to…
… not making off-putting farting noises when Kevin is getting ready to face a ball in the nets.
Graeme Smith has agreed to…
… cackle with glee at a job well done.
Andy has agreed to…
… choose words extremely carefully in interviews, stare intensely, not give in to temptation to throttle any of the little sods.
Giles has agreed to…
… acknowledge that his magnificent handling of this situation has allowed a resolution to occur, and to accept the humble gratitude and adoration of his public.
* Actually this is almost exactly what has happened.

Alan has ghost-written a book for Premier League legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called I Kick Therefore I Am.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?