The Kevin Pietersen reintegration package
England's players work together to bring KP back into the fold

Kevin Pietersen is puzzled by the clause: Please give us the number of your stylist, when you get the chance • Getty Images
… nod politely and pretend to be interested when senior professionals express concern about important matters of squad harmony, such as the vital question of who gets first go on the team PlayStation after nap time.
… continue to focus on taking the positives going forward.
… not accuse Kevin of cashing in on his England status for personal financial gain; read more about this in Jimmy's book, available in all good bookshops for £19.99.
… not making off-putting farting noises when Kevin is getting ready to face a ball in the nets.
… cackle with glee at a job well done.
… choose words extremely carefully in interviews, stare intensely, not give in to temptation to throttle any of the little sods.
… acknowledge that his magnificent handling of this situation has allowed a resolution to occur, and to accept the humble gratitude and adoration of his public.
Alan has ghost-written a book for Premier League legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called I Kick Therefore I Am.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?