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'I got a funky, funky style with a funky swag'

The identity of this three-times-funky playa, and more, revealed in this fortnight's Twitter round-up

Alex Bowden
Graeme Swann arrives for his retirement press conference in Melbourne, December 22 2013

Graeme Swann: The Retireminator  •  Getty Images

The Ashes are over, careers are over, but inane outpourings, self-absorbed guff and cod philosophy are still being broadcast in 140 characters or fewer. Who dropped ten Aussie dollars? Who had a Star Wars marathon? Who's got a funky funky style with a funky swag? All these questions and more are answered below, whether the information's worth anything to anyone or not.
The series review
It pretty much all boils down to this.
The retirement
You're a long time retired, they always say. That's why it's important to pace yourself.
So what are you going to do tomorrow then, Graeme? Watch The Phantom Menace? You're regretting calling it a day now, aren't you?
The loneliness of the long-forgotten fast-medium bowler
Swann's not the only former England player having to entertain himself these days.
Every cloud and all that.
The pastime
Go to sleep?
The lookalike
That Pat Cummins - who does he look like?
The millionaire
The players' favourite
What do the players look for in a commentator?
Unsurprisingly, they look for someone who isn't going to criticise them.
Life with Kemar Roach
Has Kemar Roach got a funky funky style with a funky swag?
Yes, he has. Kemar has got a funky funky style with a funky swag.
What's your philosophy?
So do men. Everyone lies. There are even some who'd question whether you truly do have a funky funky style with a funky swag.
Let's try someone else.
No, that's just flat-out wrong. To a very large extent, it's what you do. For example, being exceptional at flicking playing cards into a hat does not trump giving just a couple of hours of your time to help out at a local charity.
Nando's Watch
When you're on the fringes of the team, you do what you can to fit in.
He's not done his research.
Jet-lag Watch
Somewhere in the world, there is always a cricketer complaining about jetlag.

Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket