Who wants to be the new Ottis?

England are looking for a new bowling coach after Ottis Gibson took the top job with West Indies. But what does the England bowling coach actually do? What are his responsibilities? What skills does he need? I caught up with ECB official Derek Cavendish, who tried to answer some of those questions.

Ruddy-cheeked, middle-aged, slightly overweight and bombastic, Cavendish is an imposing figure. He has been entrusted with identifying Gibson's successor and he's clearly given the matter some thought.

"First of all, the England bowling coach needs to fit in with the England cricket brand. That's not to say he needs to know anything about the brand of cricket England play - that's not something we're bothered about. Rather, he needs to have the right look and the right way of talking."

Pressed for further details, Cavendish elaborates. "His name is important, for a start. We've had Allan Donald and Ottis Gibson in recent times, so we're really looking to hire somebody who has an extra consonant in their first name. Kevin Shine was not amenable to changing his name to 'Kevvin', so we're having to look elsewhere. This is one of the reasons why we've got grave reservations about Darren Gough. 'Darrren' seems like a step too far, although some of my colleagues think that he could follow Daren Powell's example and drop a letter instead. I'm not sure about that, though. Seems a bit weird."

At this point I suggest that maybe the coach's name is a minor concern, but Cavendish reacts strongly to this, going a bit red-faced and wobbling his jowls about. Sensing that I'm entering dangerous territory, I leave it there and ask him what tasks the coach might be asked to carry out.

"The bowling coach is part-mentor and part-facilitator," he says. "He's there as a role model for the bowlers but also to lighten their burden while they're on tour. His actual tasks vary considerably, depending on the bowlers who are representing England at the time."

I ask about England's current crop. What might the coach be expected to do for Graeme Swann, for example?

"Graeme's specific requirements are rather beyond my level of understanding, I'm afraid. But as I understand it, the main ongoing task that the bowling coach will have is to prevent Graeme from having his hair cut like Tim Burgess from The Charlatans. The Burgess Bowl is entirely out of keeping with the England brand, as is the Ian Brown Barnet, so this is an important task. Some of the other bowlers have also asked that the new man be adept at 'shutting Swanny up for at least five minutes every day', but I think that sometimes they don't appreciate the realities. Where are we going to find someone with that kind of skill?"

I put it to Cavendish that from what he's said, the England bowling coach doesn't actually do anything. After another bout of jowl-flapping indignation, he continues.

"On the contrary. The England bowling coach does a thousand-and-one things. He carries left-handed scissors so Ryan Sidebottom can trim his auburn mane. He tracks down hair wax in Multan for Jimmy Anderson. He picks up toys and replaces them in Stuart Broad's pram. The man who takes this job will also have to find out what Graham Onions needs, because nobody knows at the minute."

I ask if the new coach will need to know how to swing a cricket ball.

"To what a what?" he replies.