A shocking book about English cricket

It's the publishing event of the century! Next month sees the launch of the book that will blow the lid off English cricket's can of worms like a worm-seeking laser-guided can-opening missile. Don't Cry For Me Piers Morgan is the heart-rending story of one young man's struggle for justice, freedom, and an extension to his central contract, and you can read the first exclusive extract from this blockbuster only at the Long Handle:

24th November
Warmed up for the rest of the series with a punchy 18 and a dangerous 26. Frustrated with my dismissals. The Aussies had a fielder at midwicket and another at long-on. So why couldn't our so-called team of so-called analysts give me a heads-up about the danger of playing loose shots into the on side? So much for Flower's meticulous preparation! But hey, I don't pick the coach (for the time being).

Message from Piers: "Chin up buddy. You've got them on the run. England 4-1."

7th December
Came in at 57 for 2 after some kid called Roof or Boot or something messed up with a wild slog sweep. Bloke's clearly not suited to Test cricket. Lacks the temperament. In a situation like that, you don't want to give your wicket away early.

I showed him how it's done by blocking for two overs. I could have smashed every single one of those deliveries for six, but I didn't. It's called team play.

So I'd done my duty. Now it was time to kick on. I lined up the next one. Boom. Didn't quite middle it, but would have gone for four if Clarke hadn't sneaked a fielder in at short midwicket. Bailey nearly muffed it. The crowd had a go at him for it.

"What an idiot!" I heard someone say, as I walked off. Harsh but fair. It was the kind of catch that a top-class international really should take cleanly.

8th December
Relaxing after a tough day at the office in the luxury beach mansion Hugh Jackman lent me for the summer (Cheers, buddy!) It's perfectly situated, just a short sedan-chair ride from the team hotel. Coach wanted me to stay with the rest of the team, but no offence mate, I want to eat my breakfast looking at the crashing Aussie surf, not Tim Bresnan demolishing a boiled egg. The bloke's got no class. Eats like a starving hippo in a monsoon.

Message from Piers: "I'm predicting a big turnaround. This is where the series is won."

13th December
In the paper today some krimpie called Boycott said I'd been playing brainless premeditated shots. Guy's totally wrong. I never premeditate anything, and I never will.

14th December
Proved my critics wrong. Again. Never any danger of being caught at short midwicket. I had to shake my head, though. I'd racked up 45 high-class runs, then middled one, bang, straight through mid-on. But guess what? Yep, Clarke already had a fielder there. It's almost like he knows what we're going to do before we do it. I reckon some traitor has been texting tactical information to the opposition. Totally out of order. I bet it's Flower. Or Cook.

Message from Piers: "Great innings champ! The fightback starts here. England 3-2."

26th December
Had a great night's kip in Russell Crowe's penthouse suite (cheers, Russell, pal!) Woke up feeling totally energised with positivity. But it soon went wrong. The rose-petal girl was late. Worse still, she turned up with a bad attitude. Asked me why I couldn't throw my own rose petals in front of me. And then it turned out she'd forgotten the petals. Total shambles! Typical of the poor preparation on this tour. Who's to blame? Got to be the coach.

27th December
Eating lunch in my personal executive stress-pod when some English kid approached me. I think he's one of the new ones, Woakes or Bairstow or Stokes, not sure which, to be honest. He asked me what he could do to improve his game. So I told him. "Get a haircut. Trust me, mate, you get a proper do, people will take you a lot more seriously." I gave him a 10% discount voucher for my new hair salon, Kevin's Klose Kricket Kuts. Told him to ask for Tracey.

29th December
Team meeting. Cook and the baldy bloke with the gloves who can't catch told us we have to take responsibility. They were right (for once). So I took the responsibility to stand up and explain how it was all the coach's fault. Despite the shouting, they agreed with me, I could tell. I've always been a great reader of people. Wouldn't be surprised to find myself captain again before the tour is out.

Message from Piers: "Go out on a high, buddy. Massive win just around the corner."

3rd January
On the way to the opening of Danii Minogue's new nightclub, heard that Australia had won the Ashes 5-0. I'm not surprised. England played some awful cricket. They were totally outclassed. Someone's got to pay. My money's on the coach or the captain, or both.

Message from Piers: "Don't listen to the haters, champ. The pundits said my CNN show was a flop, but who's laughing now? Be great to have you on sometime."