Escape from St Thrower's
In part two of our hospital drama, two chuckers try to trick the doctor
Andrew Hughes
01-Oct-2014
"If I catch left-handed, naturally I throw left-handed too" • Getty Images
Episode Two
Scene: The crowded reception at St Thrower's Hospital, where a number of recent arrivals have thrown the Elbow Reorientation Clinic into chaos.
Dr Kink: Nurse Vaughan, what on earth is going on?
Nurse: It's all these chuckers they keep sending us. There's dozens of 'em.
Dr Kink: But where are they all from?
Nurse: Champions League T20. Dr Dharmasena referred them.
Dr Kink: What? But Dr Dharmasena is not a qualified chuckologist.
Nurse: You don't have to be. It's dead easy, I can spot 'em a mile off. Graeme Swann, he was a chucker. Phil Tufnell, another one. Wilfred Rhodes, look at those old photos, bloke's a chucker all day long. Same goes for Sydney Barnes and Hedley Verity.
Dr Kink: May I remind you Nurse Vaughan, that you are not qualified to diagnose this condition either. Kindly confine yourself to bed pans and trolling.
Nurse: Suit yourself, I were just saying.
Dr Kink: Now, if I could have everyone's attention. If you were referred here by Dr Dharmasena, please raise your arms. No, I mean, your good arms.
Hafeez: Please Doctor, you have to help me.
Dr Kink: Ah, Professor Hafeez! I didn't expect to see you here. Who are your friends?
Hafeez: This is Sunil, you've probably seen him on the television, and this is Adnan Rasool and Prenelan Subrayen.
Dr Kink: Ah yes, the one with the pointy head I recognise. I am sorry, I have never heard of the others. And who are you three?
Postman: I'm Dr Dharmasena's postman. He said my delivery arm was bent.
Gardener: He said my pruning technique looked very suspicious.
Waiter: He said I poured his mineral water at 45 degrees.
Dr Kink: Dear me, this situation is getting out of hand. Please give your details to Nurse Vaughan, I have to check on my other patients
Nurse: Right, line up, please cheats, one at a time, let's have a bit of decorum, you're not at the Champions League now.
Meanwhile, down on the ward, Kane Williamson and Sachithra Senanayake are plotting.
Williamson: I'm telling you it will never work.
Senanayake: Well it's better than your idea of pretending to be left-handed.
Williamson: I'm not pretending, I'm ambidextrous! I can chuck with both arms!
Senanayake: Shhh! He's coming! Get ready.
Enter Dr Kink
Dr Kink: Ah, good morning gentlemen. How are you getting on?
Senanayake: I think I'm cured.
Dr Kink: Really? That is good news. Show me your doosra.
Senanayake pretends to bowl a doosra
Dr Kink: Most impressive, I have never seen a straighter bowling arm.
Senanayake: So I can go! I'm free!
Dr Kink: Just a moment, let me take a closer look.
Senanayake: No, I'd rather you didn't….
Dr Kink: Mr Senanayake, this is a plastic arm.
Senanayake: No, it isn't!
Dr Kink: Then why is it six inches shorter than your other arm?
Senanayake: I've been on a diet.
Dr Kink: And why does it sound hollow when I tap it with my little hammer.
Senanayake: Ow.
Dr Kink: Mr Senanayake, that is about as convincing as a Stuart Broad appeal.
Williamson: Doctor, doctor, there has been a terrible mistake.
Dr Kink: What is it, Mr Williamson?
Williamson: You've got me down as a right-handed chucker.
Dr Kink: Yes, that is correct.
Williamson: Well, I'm actually left-handed. Look!
Dr Kink: Nice try, Mr Williamson, but I was not born yesterday.
Williamson: Please doctor, you've got to listen to me, I don't belong here, I've been framed, it's all a terrible mistake!
Dr Kink: Calm yourself, or I will have Nurse Vaughan give you a few Ryder Cup anecdotes.
Williamson: You wouldn't!
Dr Kink: I certainly would. I am very disappointed in both of you. Perhaps you should take a leaf out of Mr Ajmal's book. He has been diligently doing his exercises and taking his medicine and is making excellent progress. What were your latest results, Mr Ajmal?
Saeed: Thirty-nine degrees.
Dr Kink: Excellent progress! At this rate you should be ready for the World Cup
Saeed: In February?
Dr Kink: In 2019.
Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here