Is Tuk Tuk the new Boom Boom?
The continuing adventures of our favourite two Pakistani detectives
Andrew Hughes
05-Nov-2014
"...And this one was for saving two kids who were about to be run over by a truck" • AFP
Episode Four
It's Tuesday morning in downtown Lahore. Having stopped off at his favourite shop to pick up a specially ordered item, Detective Afridi of Lahore PD is reporting for duty. On his way to the restroom mirror, he pops into the staff canteen for a quick snack.
Afridi: Chicken biryani, please, and three kebabs.
Irfan: Hey, man, what you got there?
Detective Afridi holds up a swanky-looking carrier bag for Irfan to read.
Irfan: "Imran's - For The Discerning Sporting Gentleman." I've never heard of it.
Afridi: You're not famous enough, bro. They'd never let you in. Check this out.
Detective Afridi opens the bag to unveil his latest purchase
Irfan: Man, that is a serious bit of kit
Afridi: It's the Imran 5000.
Irfan: How much did that set you back?
Afridi: I can't tell you, it's a state secret. Look at this: ivory inlaid handle, extra-reinforced sweat-resistant grip, platinum-coated prongs.
Irfan: Nice. What is it?
Afridi: What do you mean what is it? It's a hair brush!
Irfan: (puzzled) Oh. Right. A hairbrush. You mean like girls have?
Afridi: No, not like girls have! This is a man's hairbrush
Irfan: My niece has one of those
Afridi: Listen, this is a limited edition, top of the range, fully macho men's hairbrush. There are only ten of these in the whole world. Your niece does not have one.
Irfan: Yeah, she does. It's pink, with a pony on the handle. Let me look at it. Yep, told you. There's the little pony.
Afridi: That's not a pony. It's a stallion
Irfan: It's a pony. Look there's a little ribbon in its hair
There is a commotion outside the canteen. Suddenly the door bursts open. Detective Misbah enters, wearing two plate-sized gold medals on his spotless Lahore PD uniform and surrounded by a crowd of adoring supporters.
Kamran: Tell us how you cracked the case of the Surprisingly Effective Australians.
Rehman: I want to hear the bit when you beat up Mitchell The Mouth Starc.
Misbah: Guys, guys, I've already told the story like a thousand times. Even heroes get sore throats sometimes.
Misbah's crowd of adoring fans wail tearfully.
Misbah: Oh well, just one more time.
It all started about a week ago. I was assigned to lead a team to investigate the mystery of how a bunch of Australians kept winning Test matches despite having only two decent batsmen, when…
Wahab: Tell us about your medals as well!
Misbah: What these little things? Well, this gold commendation is for being unexpectedly victorious in the line of duty. And this other gold commendation is for wrapping up the case in the joint-fastest time ever, which is a record, by the way -
Afridi: Hello, Detective Misbah.
Misbah: Oh, hello Detective Afridi.
Afridi: Nice medals.
Misbah: Nice hairbrush.
Afridi: I hear you've solved some case or other.
Kamran: Bro, he cracked the case of the Surprisingly Effective Australians.
Rehman: That case was unsolvable. It baffled everyone for nearly a year. Detective Misbah's a hero.
Kamran: Tell us again how you smashed Starc.
Misbah: Well it was very simple really, just the application of the laws of physics. I merely calculated the trajectory and -
Rehman: Yeah, he was like boom! Boom again! Boom! Take that, Mitchell!
Irfan: Maybe we should call him Boom Boom instead of you!
Afridi: What? You can't be serious. I'm Boom Boom.
Rehman: And when was your last boom, exactly?
Afridi: I'll always be Boom Boom! Hey, guys, shall I tell you about how I solved my first case? I was just a teenager, but I didn't care, I got right in there, boom! Boom! Do you remember that?
There is silence in the canteen.
Kamran: Nah, not really.
Rehman: When was that again?
Misbah: Well, it's been lovely to chat with you Detective Afridi, but I'm afraid I'll have to leave now. I've got an audience with the president. Oh, and did I tell you, Imran Khan has invited me for tea and cakes.
Afridi: Tea and cakes!
Misbah: Yes, and after that, I'm collecting another medal, and then there are my three television interviews. Which reminds me, I need a new hairbrush.
Afridi: (glumly) Here. Take mine.
Misbah: Thank you, Detective Afridi. Nice handle. Is that a pony?
Afridi: Probably.
Misbah leaves the canteen, followed by his adoring fans.
Kamran: How did you feel when you cracked the case?
Rehman: What is your favourite colour?
Asad: What was it like to be interviewed by Ramiz Raja?
Misbah: Please, please, I can't answer all those questions, you'll have to wait for my autobiography. Although I can say that Ramiz has an immaculate head of hair
Wahab: I always thought it was a wig
Misbah: Oh no, it's genuine. I touched it when he wasn't looking. Do you know he combs every individual hair. Not a single one out of place. He promised to give me some tips.
Kamran: Amazing!
Rehman: You're our hero Detective Misbah!
Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. @hughandrews73