The gutting of Alastair

Ladies and gentlemen of the Long Handle congregation, I would like to start today's sermon by reading a seasonal extract from the Book of Giles.

But lo it came to pass that a bit later, they had second thoughts. Their hearts hardened against the chosen one and they denounced him, saying that it wasn't about personalities and that everyone makes mistakes, and that verily, he could keep the gold and frankincense, for according to Amazon these were non-returnable."

Yes, in what has been a vintage year for connoisseurs of wacky cricket administration, the chaps at the ECB have outdone themselves by dumping Alastair Cook a week before Christmas, shortly after Paul Downton offered his full support. This is just the latest PR eyebrow-raiser from the ECB's new managing director, lending credence to the suggestion that he was, in fact, hired to be Giles Clarke's bad publicity stunt double.

Alastair declared himself "gutted" by his demotion, which probably means he is upset, although we can't be sure, since this particular adjective - first used by the ghost of William Wallace to express disappointment at what he perceived to be a miscarriage of justice - has long since lost its oomph and is now used to describe anything from the loss of a loved one to the realisation that you've run out of Sugar Puffs.

But whether or not Alastair is really upset by the opportunity to put his feet up and watch someone else lead England to an early World Cup exit, since this decision was made, Mr Downton has been all over the media explaining, expounding, elaborating and generally behaving like a man who believes that the shortest way out of an unpleasant hole in the ground is to keep digging.

After the sixth one-day international, he described Alastair as the team's natural leader, and said furthermore that he would be very surprised if Alastair was replaced. After the seventh one-day international, Alastair was replaced. So what gives?

"We had one game left to play when I said that and we couldn't predict the outcome…"

Putting aside the fact that, based on what had gone before (four England defeats) the outcome of the seventh match (another England defeat) wasn't all that unpredictable, this leaves open the possibility that if Alastair had managed to scrape together some runs in the last game, he might still be captain.

Of course it was the right decision to get rid of him, given his chronic lack of runs, but then it was the right decision in September as well, and the three-month delay didn't make it any righter. But having invested heavily in Cook Inc, Downton and chums closed their eyes and hoped for the best, while the price fell steadily throughout the autumn, before panic-selling at the bottom of the market.

Meanwhile Eoin Morgan has been given the unenviable task of captaining England in a World Cup. So what does our loquacious MD think of the new skipper?

"Eoin is a natural one-day cricketer and he has the opportunity now to establish himself as the one-day captain."

He'll be gone by Easter.