England go Fifty Shades of Grey

In a surprise addition to the already fervent publicity surrounding the film release of Fifty Shades of Grey, the England cricket team today confirmed they had entered into a submissive relationship with their Australian counterparts. After an Ashes whitewash last year and defeat in nine of their previous ten ODIs against their oldest rivals, coach Peter Moores admitted that his side had decided to completely give themselves over to Australian domination "for the foreseeable future".

"We'd all heard about this film, of course," Moores said. "But, to be honest, excessive discipline was more Andy Flower's thing than mine. However, as the beatings just kept getting more and more severe and the ECB, with its insistence we play Australia every two weeks, ensuring the players suffer near-constant humiliation, we had a team huddle and decided we'd actually give this submissive thing a go officially.

"I know these sorts of things are meant to be monogamous, but - and don't tell Darren Lehmann this - we're actually planning to have a similar relationship with other teams in our group, though allowing Scotland to overpower us might be taking it a bit too far."

The move has, not surprisingly, raised a few eyebrows but also led to other players admitting they too engaged in similar activities. Former captain Alastair Cook, for one, revealed he often enjoyed being restrained ("particularly during the bowling Powerplay") and South African batsman AB de Villiers confessing that he had been subjecting bowlers around the world to severe punishment for many years. Psychologists have also diagnosed millions of Channel Nine viewers who willingly listen to Ian Healy and James Brayshaw as having a deeply fatalistic strain of masochism and urged that anyone actually found enjoying having this sort of commentary imposed upon them should "seek immediate help".

Not every player is happy about the situation, however, with James Taylor in particular expressing serious concerns. "This Fifty Shades business is all very well," he said. "But if Moores thinks I'm going to leave myself at the mercy of anyone in power, even if the rules are all very clearly defined beforehand, after what happened at the MCG he's got another thing coming."

The ICC is yet to comment on whether Australia and England's new romance is legal, but insiders suggest that, as the recently introduced Big Three-based administrative structure is founded on the principles of fear and subjugation, chairman Srinivasan is "almost certain" to give it his blessing. "We've all been avidly reading this book," said one Dubai official. "And though it's a little bit racy for those of us whose day job rarely gets more exciting than assessing whether Nigel Llong wore his fleecey umpire's top in accordance with ICC regulations, we have to say all these ideas of total control and compliance really chimed with the way we're looking to run the global game. By agreeing to be weak and passive, England have set a fine example of how we'd like to see other nations act, and especially these Associates who keep kicking and screaming just because we've said we're going to dump them in four years' time."

There were already signs that other nations might also be considering entering into similar relationships, with many suggesting that by losing again to India in a World Cup match, Pakistan may also have developed a taste for submission. However, captain Misbah-ul-Haq said it was too early to make such a call: "Building a relationship of any type is like building an innings," he said. "Even if you end up stranded with no partner because you prefer not to rush into it, it's always best to take things slowly at first."