Knobs, blobs and silenced gobs

Shane on you! That fabulous headline adorned the News of the World after the latest scandal involving the enthusiastic Australian legspinner. After previous dalliances, he can't say that he hasn't been Warned. "If I'm honest, I'm tired out," he admitted after taking 7 for 99 against Middlesex last Friday. But Sunday newspapers claimed that Warne had spent the previous night otherwise engaged with two 25-year-old models and a hilarious inflatable. "He was so fit," sighed Coralie Eichholtz, one of the models. "I'd give him top marks for more than satisfying us." What player burnout issue? Oooh, lots of potential for googly-related gags that this column is just too grown up for I'm afraid.

Speaking of gags ... when is a gag not a gag? When it comes from the Indian Board, of course. They were criticised for verbally warning Virender Sehwag for speaking about Sourav Ganguly and player burnout - and they reacted with surprise. "How can you call it a media gag on players?" asked Niranjan Shah, the board secretary, as he stretched the tape across Sehwag's mouth. "It is a warning," he continued, unconvincingly, before becoming downright mysterious, saying "Advice is part of the warning." And if you're still mystified, tough, because "The matter is closed." Much like Sehwag's gob.

Speeding into trouble Three of the Pakistan A players who won the EurAsia Cup in Abu Dhabi landed in a Dubai jail for three hours after a car they were travelling in was stopped for speeding. Local organisers had to spring to the rescue of Misbah-ul-Haq, Taufeeq Umar and wicket-keeper Zulqarnain Haider after a friend of theirs driving the vehicle was stopped by local police. "Since the police didn't know who they were," said an official, "all four were taken to a local police station where they spent nearly three hours." Does that mean Wasim Akram can bust handbrake turns on the motorway just because everyone knows who he is?

Mum's the word We've all seen pushy parents - and we know it's just because they care, isn't it, bless them. But forget Jelena Dokic's dad screaming from the sidelines and the Williams' old man. The award for proud parent of the week goes to Rahul Dravid's mum. A professional painter, Pushpa Dravid has honoured her little darling in an extraordinary way by painting 600 square feet's worth of mural, which will hang at the Chinnaswamy stadium and ostensibly honours Karnataka's cricketers, but which naturally includes Dravid. Ah, the lengths some mothers will go to. As if cooking his tea wasn't enough.

Punch-up delays play Cricket administrators are always looking to make cricket more spicy and exciting. But this week the job was done for them at Hove by Chris Read and Mushtaq Ahmed, who engaged in some finger wagging and sharp words on the boundary after Mushtaq trapped Read lbw for a duck. Read was upset with Mushtaq's persistent appealing - and even more unhappy with the three-point penalty the ECB slapped on him. (Nine points and you get suspended) With no little irony it was Chris Adams - veteran of two off-pitch fracas, one with Nasser Hussain and one with Shane Warne - who stepped in to calm down proceedings. David Hussey also acted as peacemaker. With David Graveney in the crowd to see his second successive blob (ouch) it's one way for Read to get himself noticed - but this kind of glovework was probably not what either had in mind.

Sing when you're winning Cricketers are really on song of late, or they like to think they are. First there was Darren Gough revealing his full repertoire by singing "Ner, ner, ner, ner" for a football World Cup song. And this week, there's been an outbreak of not one, or even two, but a whole three warbling wannabe moments. First off, Michael Bevan has signed for It Takes Two, a reality TV singing programme in Australia . Bevan's manager Robert Joske is bracing himself for much swooning: "I might have to hire security to keep the young girls away," he chuckled.

Then rent-a-tune Freddie duetted with Elton as part of his benefit year events. Matthew Hoggard reported that some people got up and started dancing while Elton was still singing; one of them was Stephen Gateley of Boyzone. "I had to get up, tap him on the shoulder," recalls Hoggy who, with the spirit of WG Grace ringing in his ears told Gateley sternly, "Excuse me we've come here to watch Elton singing not you dancing. Would you kindly sit down?" At least Flintoff knows his place. "I joined in with Elton for the chorus of Rocket Man," said Fred, "but luckily he drowned me out." In the crowd's view, it was no sacrifice.

But full credit for the most initiative rests squarely with the entire Kent team. They are the first team to commission, record and release their own song - although there's probably good reason for that. This Is Our Time features the singing talents of David Fulton, Martin Saggers, Niall O'Brien, Simon Cusden, Matt Dennington, Neil Dexter and Academy Scholar Michael Barber - all of them singing adagio.

"We were keen to ensure that our song was not one of the cheesy variety often associated with football clubs," intoned a sombre Jon Fordham, director of operations at Kent. Good job the chorus stays away from cheesy rhymes then. "With pride in our hearts, we play it together," it begins unpromisingly, "And we live for the crack of willow on leather." Pass the gorgonzola.

Getting snappy with unfortunate consequences Not to be outdone in the multitalented stakes, Essex have a budding photographer in the allrounder Graham Napier. He asked the club snapper Kieran Galvin if he could borrow his camera for a stint behind the lens during Essex's first innings in last week's Championship match against Leicestershire. So far, so enterprising. Such was his eye for a picture, however, that he managed to capture a succession of Essex wickets as they collapsed to 29 for 4 ... resulting in a hasty retreat to the dressing room again to pad up. It's not yet known whether any of Napier's team-mates have asked for evidence of his work.

"Matthew Hoggard called the Prime Minister a knob when we were celebrating winning the Ashes at a Downing Street function, and you know what? That's the first thing Hoggy's got right in a while. Blair is a knob."