A Bangladesh fan's guide to newfound success
Reach for the tiger masks and roar
R Rajkumar
17-Nov-2014
First, find large, irritating-sounding instruments to blow • Bangladesh Cricket Board
Success begets success, they say. What they don't tell you is that this rule doesn't necessarily apply when the success in question was achieved playing cricket against a post-2000 era Zimbabwe team. It is all the more important, therefore, that you enjoy it while you can if you're a Bangladeshi fan currently basking in its unfamiliar glow.
Sure, there's no denying that the team has won some noteworthy battles in the limited-overs arena, but then again, nothing quite compares to the giddy self-regard and sense of accomplishment that back-to-back Test wins bring. That said, any new experience can be confusing at first if you don't know what to do with it. With that in mind, we hope you find the following guide useful in helping you make sense of these unprecedented times and proceed confidently into the apparent new dawn.
Be obnoxious
The first thing you'll want to do as a cricket fan who has supped from the cup of success is be obnoxious about it. Traditionally fans from India, Pakistan, England and Australia have ruled the roost in this regard, in some cases elevating online trolling to an art. Well, it's your time to shine now, Bangladesh. Except for one little thing: because the opposition was Zimbabwe, the likelihood of actually finding Zimbabwean cricket fans online to skewer is about as likely as finding Zimbabwean cricket fans offline, at large in the world. They are like the chupacabra, or Cameron White's ability to smile: little more than a rumour or a myth.
The first thing you'll want to do as a cricket fan who has supped from the cup of success is be obnoxious about it. Traditionally fans from India, Pakistan, England and Australia have ruled the roost in this regard, in some cases elevating online trolling to an art. Well, it's your time to shine now, Bangladesh. Except for one little thing: because the opposition was Zimbabwe, the likelihood of actually finding Zimbabwean cricket fans online to skewer is about as likely as finding Zimbabwean cricket fans offline, at large in the world. They are like the chupacabra, or Cameron White's ability to smile: little more than a rumour or a myth.
Let's hear that roar then
Yep, you guys can finally break out those tiger masks and wear them without the least bit of irony, at least for the time being. This is, of course, assuming you had indeed been wearing them ironically all this while. Surely that was the case? What? All right, look, you don't have to answer that question if you don't want to.
Yep, you guys can finally break out those tiger masks and wear them without the least bit of irony, at least for the time being. This is, of course, assuming you had indeed been wearing them ironically all this while. Surely that was the case? What? All right, look, you don't have to answer that question if you don't want to.
Mascot
You're going to want to find a living mascot of sorts, someone loud in manner and attire, whose sole job is to travel with the team wherever it goes so the cameras have something to gratuitously cut to whenever there is a lull in play. Pakistan has employed Chacha Cricket; Sudhir Kumar Chaudhary has transitioned from Tendulkar mascot to India mascot… or something; New Zealand has Danny Morrison. So pin a tail on some poor sap already and call him a human tiger or something.
You're going to want to find a living mascot of sorts, someone loud in manner and attire, whose sole job is to travel with the team wherever it goes so the cameras have something to gratuitously cut to whenever there is a lull in play. Pakistan has employed Chacha Cricket; Sudhir Kumar Chaudhary has transitioned from Tendulkar mascot to India mascot… or something; New Zealand has Danny Morrison. So pin a tail on some poor sap already and call him a human tiger or something.
It doesn't hurt to be obsessive
With increased success can come increased frustration when things don't go as expected. But just between you and me who's to say the phenomenon of tracking down a player's home and throwing a harmless pebble or two at the windows and shattering them, while traumatised family members sob for their lives, all in retaliation for perceived unmet expectations on the field, isn't actually a healthy measure of the state of the game in the country? Helpful tip: maps to the players' houses to be made available at your nearest tiger-mask dealer.
With increased success can come increased frustration when things don't go as expected. But just between you and me who's to say the phenomenon of tracking down a player's home and throwing a harmless pebble or two at the windows and shattering them, while traumatised family members sob for their lives, all in retaliation for perceived unmet expectations on the field, isn't actually a healthy measure of the state of the game in the country? Helpful tip: maps to the players' houses to be made available at your nearest tiger-mask dealer.
Cultivate an aura of success
This is easily done. Simply walk around with your shoulders tilted back a goodly number of degrees more than is considered normal, have your shirt be undone a few extra buttons down your freshly clean-shaven chest than is absolutely necessary, and if you're a player, walk into the corporate office of any skin-whitening company to sign a contract: it having long been established across the border in India that the number of players advertising skin-whitening products in a team is in direct proportion to how successful that team thinks it is.
This is easily done. Simply walk around with your shoulders tilted back a goodly number of degrees more than is considered normal, have your shirt be undone a few extra buttons down your freshly clean-shaven chest than is absolutely necessary, and if you're a player, walk into the corporate office of any skin-whitening company to sign a contract: it having long been established across the border in India that the number of players advertising skin-whitening products in a team is in direct proportion to how successful that team thinks it is.
It's never too late to develop delusions of grandeur
Again, much to learn from your neighbours here. With back-to-back Test wins against Zimbabwe under your belt, you are free to start talking, shyly at first, but with steadily increasing conviction of global domination. The World Cup is just around the corner, which means you've earned the right to imagine winning it and bringing the cup home. Throw in the Test Championship mace for good measure. You may not get a better opportunity than this to dream as big.
Again, much to learn from your neighbours here. With back-to-back Test wins against Zimbabwe under your belt, you are free to start talking, shyly at first, but with steadily increasing conviction of global domination. The World Cup is just around the corner, which means you've earned the right to imagine winning it and bringing the cup home. Throw in the Test Championship mace for good measure. You may not get a better opportunity than this to dream as big.
Keep a straight face
This always comes in handy after a series win against post-2000-era Zimbabwe-type teams, when the local media, followed swiftly by the man on the street, inevitably starts throwing around phrases like "We're back!", "Landmark series victory for the home team", "Were we ever gone when you really think about it?" and, uh, "New dawn". If you find it difficult for any reason to maintain a straight face while uttering the above, simply pull your tiger mask over it and breathe normally. Always remember to secure your own tiger mask first before assisting those seated next to you.
This always comes in handy after a series win against post-2000-era Zimbabwe-type teams, when the local media, followed swiftly by the man on the street, inevitably starts throwing around phrases like "We're back!", "Landmark series victory for the home team", "Were we ever gone when you really think about it?" and, uh, "New dawn". If you find it difficult for any reason to maintain a straight face while uttering the above, simply pull your tiger mask over it and breathe normally. Always remember to secure your own tiger mask first before assisting those seated next to you.
Create unrealistic expectations of your players
It is vital after such a series that you build your players up to such an extent that they start believing in their own hype, enough that they can then be blamed with the adequate amount of vigour for failing when they next play stronger opposition overseas.
It is vital after such a series that you build your players up to such an extent that they start believing in their own hype, enough that they can then be blamed with the adequate amount of vigour for failing when they next play stronger opposition overseas.
R Rajkumar tweets @roundarmraj