Fight for IPL fair play award getting ugly

Teams and players desperately trying dirty tactics to look gentlemanly

19-May-2014

"And all the other boys, try to chase me, but here's my number, so call me maybe"  •  BCCI

It's that time in the IPL when competition for the fair-play award starts to heat up. Once dismissed as a meaningless consolation prize awarded arbitrarily by umpires, the award is just as rabidly fought over as the main prize itself, if not more so, with teams often adopting underhanded and controversial tactics in order to appear more gentlemanly than the others and garner more points.

In fact, so heated and cutthroat has the competition for the award been this year that the powers that be are reportedly considering introducing in the next edition of the IPL a fair-play award for teams competing for the fair-play award.

The following is just a sampling of the controversies that have already plagued this year's competition for the prize.

A number of teams have lodged protests against any fair-play points being awarded to King's XI Punjab on the basis of George Bailey's ever-present smile, alleging that it isn't really a smile at all but a rare medical condition that causes the cheek muscles on Bailey's face to be always pulled back. "The man isn't right - he smiled all through The Notebook, for god's sake," said one rival Australian IPL player who claimed to have watched the movie with Bailey, and who was particularly keen on not wanting to be named.

An umpire who reported to the ICC anti-corruption unit that he had been approached by a honeypot with an offer of sex and cash in exchange for awarding fair-play points to a particular team has been relieved from duty after an investigation found that his story was a case of "wishful thinking".

Mumbai Indians and Royal Challengers Bangalore have jointly appealed their being docked fair-play points as a consequence of the ugly spat between Kieron Pollard and Mitchell Starc, claiming that the incident was, in fact, gentlemanly conduct taken out of context. According to the appeal, Starc initiated the polite exchange when he made a remark to Pollard about what a pleasure it was to be bowling at a West Indian batsman again. In reciprocation of this unexpected kindness, Pollard pulled out of his batting stance at the point of Starc's next delivery stride to make a generous gift to the bowler of all three of his stumps. Starc, being too much of a gentleman to take advantage of so selfless a gesture, bowled the ball as far away from the stumps as possible, right at Pollard, who then capped off the exchange of pleasantries by flinging his bat up in the air in the traditional Trinidadian symbolic gesture of brotherliness, whereby one frees one's arms for an impending man-hug.

An unnamed batsman who walked off before the umpire had a chance to raise his finger has - after he and his team were initially lauded and awarded fair-play points for the gesture - found himself in hot water with the anti-corruption authorities. After replays and a subsequent investigation revealed that he hadn't in fact nicked the ball, the batsman eventually admitted that he knew he hadn't nicked it, and that he had simply been gunning for fair-play points.

Virat Kohli has protested his innocence after being docked points for being a habitual swearer. The RCB skipper insists that whenever he has enquired into the nature of an opposition player's relationship with his own sister, it is not out of malice but born of genuine anthropological interest. "Human beings fascinate me," said Kohli.

Kevin Pietersen has been reported for intimidation after he barged into the third umpire's room demanding to know why his team hadn't been awarded points for his exhibition of restraint in not sledging a bowler back. "Are you ****ing kidding me?" Pietersen raged at Kumar Dharmasena. "Anyone could see that I didn't say a word back to that pr**k. Now give me my goddamn fair-play points."

A cricketer who had been awarded points for appearing to applaud an opposing team's batsman after he had just been struck for a six had the points rescinded when it was found that he was not, in fact, clapping in appreciation of the shot but simply swatting at mosquitoes.

There have been renewed calls against the generous awarding of points to Chennai Super Kings and Rajasthan Royals for the simple fact that these teams have MS Dhoni and Rahul Dravid in their ranks, players who are widely considered by some to be "fair-play cheats" due to their ability to garner points for their team through the sheer force of personality alone, instead of any actual initiative from their respective teams on the field of play. "Besides," said a spokesman for the Delhi Daredevils, "CSK count Dwayne Smith and Brendon McCullum as their opening batsmen. Forgive me, but exactly what about that is fair again?"

The owners of KKR have filed an official letter of complaint in regard to their not being awarded extra fair-play points simply for having Shah Rukh Khan in their midst. Said a visibly confused Shah Rukh: "I don't get it. Are all these fairness ads I've been doing just a big fat waste then?"

John Buchanan is suing KKR for wrongful termination of contract. The Australian was apparently re-hired this year by the franchise as a fairness coach, but things quickly deteriorated. Apparently KKR players woke up one morning to find that Buchanan had slipped under their hotel-room doors copies of How to Win Friends and Influence People. And when that didn't seem to work, Machiavelli's The Prince. When that didn't work either, Buchanan is said to have resorted to reciting his own poetry to his team before matches, a decision that eventually led him to being fired from the job.

Mitchell Starc Virat Kohli Kieron Pollard Kevin Pietersen India Pepsi Indian Premier League

R Rajkumar tweets here.
All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?