Fletcher learns cliché to talk to Shastri

How would independence affect cricket in Scotland?
One of the more underrated, but no-less important what-if scenarios swirling around the upcoming Scottish referendum for independence is how the game of cricket will be affected by the outcome of the vote.

This intrepid reporter took to the streets to put the question to the Scottish people, and the following are some of the more meaningful responses received from the average Scottish Joe on the street:

"You having a giggle? Insects have ****-all to do with our independence. Or are you insinuating that nobody cares, hence the sound of crickets? Your idea of a joke then, is it? Well, we'll see who's laughing come September 18. Hey, where do you think you're going? Come back here ye wee radge ****!"
Kentigern Mackendrick, real estate developer, publican

"Cricket? You know, this is precisely the kind of English annoyance that has been foisted down our throats over the centuries that made us want independence in the first place."
Alan Macintosh, bus driver

"U wot m8??"
Torquil Lennox, (job description neither asked nor offered)

"I think cricket in Scotland would be a good idea."
Raghnall "Gandhi" Barclay, construction worker

"Hahahahahahahahahahaha, oh my God."
Donaldina Strachan, librarian

"When's the next India-Pakistan match?"
Dev Singh, proprietor

"Help! Police!!"
Selma Macaskill, teacher

"Ah, a fascinating question, thank you. Not many people know that Scotland has a long, proud cricketing history that goes back to the 18th century. I think the health of the game in Scotland is important for a variety of reasons, and hopefully the referendum, whichever way it swings, should only positively impact this wonderful sport. Spare a penny?"
Calum MacLeod, Scottish cricketer and high-street panhandler

Fletch learning cliché to better communicate with Shastri
Meanwhile, not to be put off by the sudden presence of Ravi Shastri in the coaching / managerial / observatorial / whatever ranks, Duncan Fletcher has taken the proactive move of learning the language of cliché to better communicate with his colleague.

"It's no secret that a common language fosters a more harmonious team environment," said a spokesman for the BCCI, "and Duncan's choosing to learn Shastri's native tongue will go miles in defusing any tension between the two of them as they settle into their respective roles, whatever they may be."

Fletcher confirmed that just that morning he had surprised Shastri by calling on him at his residence and discussing, at length, the speed of tracer bullets relative to ball-speed off the bat.

"I... I also told him that surely something's got to give here," said Fletcher bashfully, "and... and then... and then Mr Shastri clapped me on the back and told me he had full confidence that we'd as a team be able to 'take this thing down to the wire together'."

"This could be the start of a beautiful relationship," confirmed Shastri to this correspondent on the phone.

Ajmal appeal to be sent up to TV umpire
The ICC has announced that Saeed Ajmal's appeal against his ban, if and when it is lodged, will be taken up by the TV umpire.

"Given that this is an especially tricky and delicate one to call, it's only fair we send the appeal upstairs for review," said Geoff Allardice.

According to the ICC, the appeal against the ban will be televised live on TV, and in the weeks or months that it may take for a decision to be made, all viewers will hear when they tune in will be the amplified sound of a heartbeat and a swirling logo with the words "Guilty" and "Not Guilty" dancing around each other suggestively.

Fletcher still the best man for the job
In more India / Fletcher / whatever news, the BCCI has gone on record to state that despite the string of poor results, the board considers Duncan Fletcher the best poker face for the job of India coach.

"There are a lot of other candidates out there," admitted Sunil Gavaskar, "and many of them are vastly qualified for the job, except in one vital aspect: their faces are just too damn expressive.

"Say what you will about his communication skills or coaching tactics, but no one can doubt Duncan's talent in hiding from the world - from himself, even - inner turmoil and deep anguish. This is perhaps the most important qualification for the India coach, and Fletch delivers it in spades. Did you know that he surgically had his facial muscles disabled for the job? I mean that's the level of commitment we're talking about here."

Gavaskar added that given the poor form of the team, it is of great importance that the coach be someone whom the rest of the team can trust to not suddenly break down in tears of frustration, and who, for all anyone knows, is probably dead on the inside.

Mushfiqur celebrates century
In the West Indies, Mushfiqur Rahim hit a six to reach his third Test century, and proceeded to celebrate it as though his team wasn't staring at an innings defeat, and hadn't won a Test match in the last… oh who's even counting anymore?

"It was a special effort," said Al-Amin Hossain, his batting partner at the time. "After being humiliated in the first innings and struggling again in the second... to be able to celebrate in the manner that he did, given the situation the team was in, requires no small degree of talent and megalomania. Not many batsmen call pull off such a feat."

Coach Chandika Hathurusingha agreed. "This is just one of the reasons why we all continue to say we would look up to Mushy, if only he weren't so short."