Kolpaks call for referendum

Kolpaks call for referendum
After having narrowly avoided losing Scotland, fears in London are that other constituents of the UK will now similarly call for secession. Indeed, there are already rumours of discontent brewing among the Welsh, Northern Irish, and Kolpaks.

The Kolpaks, in particular, have been especially restless in light of the recent incident involving Ashwell Prince. "Princegate is just the latest in a string of incidents that has seen Kolpak players abused and marginalised by mainstream England cricketing culture over the years," said Kevin Pietersen from atop a soapbox in Hyde Park. "It's high time we decided whether or not it's worth staying on in the face of such ill treatment or break away to become independent agents in the IPL era. It's time we put it to a vote."

The ECB for its part is expected to go on an all-out charm offensive to persuade voters that Kolpak players are better off staying with England. "We need to recognise that Kolpak players are valuable contributors to our society and culture," said Giles Clarke, "and that without them, our national team just wouldn't be the same."

Prime Minister David Cameron agreed, and promised concessions to Kolpak players should they choose to stay in England and not return to South Africa and a couple of other countries. "We're prepared to desegregate the dressing rooms," he said grudgingly.

Meanwhile Andrew Gale insists he meant no harm when he verbally abused Prince. "Look, fact is, some of my best friends are Kolpakistanis," he said, somewhat confused.

Northern Knights playing like a team possessed
Experts agree that, with a couple of emphatic wins in the Champions League T20, Northern Knights have been playing like a well-oiled fighting unit which obviously enjoys performing together while seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are decked out head to toe in pink.

"It's remarkable to see the degree of confidence and swagger with which they're playing at the moment, given that they're competing against so-called bigger and better teams and look like they're wearing the training uniforms of the Kazakhstani women's synchronised swimming team," said a tournament organiser.

The players themselves seem nonplussed about questions about their kit. "We couldn't care less that we happen to be playing in pink," said captain Daniel Flynn. "It's just another shade, as far as we're concerned, one that really brings out the colour in your eyes."

Coach James Pamment added that it was high time people grew out of their stereotyped macho notions of what colours a team's kit should and shouldn't be, and then excused himself upon remembering that he'd promised the team they'd be back at the hotel in time for their chest-waxing appointments at the spa.

Shastri bemoans lack of local players in Barbados team
In his column for a national newspaper recently, Ravi Shastri bemoaned the lack of local players in the Barbados Tridents team, and wistfully recalled the golden era of Worrell, Weekes, Walcott and Sobers. Shastri urged Barbados cricket administrators to take a leaf out of the Mumbai Indians team.

"Just look at the Mumbai team, full of home-grown talent," he said. "I don't mind saying that I personally plucked Kieron Ramesh Pollard from obscurity when I spotted him playing galli cricket. And Corey Anderson's is an interesting story as well. How many people know that he was a regular at Shivaji Park in his early teens and that his name is actually Chotu Arondekar?"

Lahore Lions making the most of rare India tour
Lahore Lions are having a blast. As the first Pakistani cricket team to tour India in living memory, they've been understandably keen on making the most of their brief sojourn.

"It's been a wonderful experience so far for the boys, for many of whom this is the first visit to the country," said captain Mohammed Hafeez. "Just yesterday we had a day off and we took the opportunity to go out and see a bit of our host city. I led the team out into the lobby of the hotel and we walked all the way up to the exit before being yelled at by the police to go back to our rooms. It was an exciting and eye- opening experience for sure."

Later the team was allowed to go and see some of the local tourist attractions printed on postcards in the hotel bookshop. "The city apparently has some wonderful architectural examples," said coach Mohsin Kamal. "The boys have thoroughly enjoyed their outing. In fact, it's like we never left home."

Hafeez stressed that his team were in India not so much as cricketers on tour as they are cultural ambassadors, and that they have been met with a similar outpouring of warmth by the Indian people so far. "The room service guys in particular have been super-friendly," he said. "It's been such a touching experience and we look forward to returning the favour soon the next time an Indian team visits Pakistan."

Mushfiqur doesn't ever want to quit captaincy
Mushfiqur Rahim has stated that he doesn't want to quit the captaincy while the team is "going through a bad patch." In response, an alarmed BCB have pulled Mushfiqur aside and gently informed him that the captaincy of the Bangladesh team isn't a permanent posting.