Players unhappy with use of pink balls

Cricketers reacted with disbelief, outrage and fear as realisation set in that the proposed use of pink balls in first-class games - with an eye to eventually introducing them in Test matches - will, in fact, not be tied to any charitable cause whatsoever.

"You mean we might all be soon using pink balls for no other reason than that they're pink?" asked an incredulous Stuart Broad. "But, but, I'm The Enforcer," he sputtered. "For god's sake, you can't have me shining a pink ball against my…" he tailed off, struggling to suppress a shudder. "What are the girls going to think? Did anyone think about that? Not enough people at the ECB, in my opinion, care about what the girls are going to think."

Meanwhile cricketers in Australia were similarly sobering up to the fact that the celebrated "red cherry" might well be replaced with what supporters of the new colour have already affectionately dubbed the "pink pansy".

"We better have a bloody good reason for using a pink ball, mate," said philanthropist Andrew Symonds. The muscle-bound former Australia allrounder, who still harbours hopes of making it back into the national side, said he had just left a message with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation ("Have you heard of them? They do some great work. Some really important work.") asking if they wanted their name tied in with the use of the pink ball.

When informed that the apparent benefit of a pink ball was that it could be sighted more clearly at night, compared to red or white balls, Symonds scoffed. "Mate, let me just say that I speak not just for myself but for a whole a** load of insecure cricketers and fans when I say that the less this particular shade of ball is seen, the better.

"Would it have hurt to have opted for a boy's colour instead, say a nice powder blue?" Blue balls just sound so much more appealing, something I think a lot of us cricketers can actually relate to. Especially while on tour."

Meanwhile a spokesman for the McGrath Foundation confirmed that they had received a number of "desperate-sounding" phone calls from cricketers begging the organisation to co-opt the pink ball into its pink-themed breast cancer awareness and fund-raising initiatives. When asked if the foundation will be responding favourably to the requests, the spokesman had this to say: "No."

"Aw, true?" said Shane Watson when told of the pink ball's not being affiliated with a good cause. "Are you sure? You mean, there's no underlying reason why we might be playing with pink balls, something that makes it okay, like Matty Hayden and his pink rubbers… bat handles, I mean? No? Well, I just don't know what I'm going to tell the boys down at the pub. I get enough stick for my hair as it is," he sighed.

Elsewhere, Australia's one-time fielding coach Mike Young was found in an indignant yet somewhat reflective mood. "You know, I get a lot of flak from friends and colleagues back at home who wonder why I made the switch from baseball to cricket. Used to be I could show them a few YouTube clips of cricketers catching the ball barehanded as opposed to while wearing an oven-mitt, which is what I used to call the gloves baseball players wore while in the field [ha ha] and that would shut them right up. But now… well, what am I going to tell them now?" he asked, leaning back in his chair and lighting a well-chewed cigar. "Time's a changin'. Yes siree Bob, there's a new chill in the air tonight, mm hmm," he intoned, hugging himself as he rocked back and forth before lapsing into silence.

But not everyone was dreading the change. The ever-resourceful Symonds finally heard back from someone. "Guys, some organisation based in Las Vegas called the Chippendales has expressed interest in associating themselves with our pink balls. There's hope yet."