How to write about the IPL without offending Indians

Once again the Indian Premier League has burst upon the theatre of international sport, and subsequently relegated every other game into the dim, blurry background. This might make aficionados of other sports such as football or ball badminton uneasy, but it is the truth. More than ever before, cricket is permeating and influencing other disciplines.

For instance, it was impossible for me to watch the recent Real Madrid - Barcelona football match in the Spanish La Liga (The League) without constantly being reminded of the full-bodied, full-length dives that cricketers like Jonty Rhodes, Paul Collingwood, Yuvraj Singh and Sourav Ganguly have perfected into an art form. Clearly footballers are beginning to seek inspiration from their gentlemanly counterparts.

However, this poses a unique challenge for the foreign journalist and sportswriter, who has no option but to tackle this new, rich, powerful yet sensitive beast. Namely, how to write about the IPL and Indian cricket without being seen by Indian audiences as a jealous, vindictive, short-sighted, jealous, often English, jealous bigot, who is still steeped in orientalist theories.

Now some people think that this is just a matter of maintaining balance and neutrality in your reporting and writing. You couldn't be farther from the truth if you were a running Ravichandran Ashwin and the truth were the crease.

The Indian audience is perhaps the most sophisticated, nuanced, passionate and armed audience in cricket. This means that they have a unique, complex method of analysing cricket journalism that foreign media may not entirely appreciate. Let me explain with examples:

Example 1:
What you wrote: "Despite a dynamite cameo by Dhoni, England managed to hold their nerve and win the 7th ODI in…"
What the Indian audience read: "Spoilt by the shameless, immoral wealth of the IPL, the little brown colonials once again succumbed to the undeniable superiority of the English cricketing machine. Sachin Tendulkar is overrated and an embarrassment. Go make me a curry, boy!"

Example 2:
What you tweeted: "Just landed in Mumbai. What a city! Hot but loving it. Can't wait for the match tomorrow."
What Indian tweeters read: "Just drove from the airport to Wankhede past the poor slum hordes of this dirty, smelly, chaotic city. In June I can finally go back to Tasmania and civilisation. Phew! Watching Slumdog Millionaire on my iPad. Best film ever. Want to open window of taxi and let air in. But there are Indians everywhere. LOL #facepalm"

As you can see, the line between factual accuracy and intense cultural insult is a fine one. And journalists must learn to tread that line carefully if they wish to thrive in the lucrative Indian cricketing milieu. But how to tread that line, you ask? Let me be of assistance.

There are a few simple techniques to guaranteeing that Indian audiences will lap up your content joyously. I will present some of the most potent ones here to help you with your reportage.

Technique 1: Always, always, always start your article with a version of the line: "In India cricket is a religion and Sachin Tendulkar is its god." It absolutely does not matter what the content or tone of the rest of your article is. This line has the magical ability to soothe nerves, calm tensions and temper passions.

Illustration: "Everybody knows that India is a cricket-crazy land with Tendulkar the presiding deity. Majestic Pakistan beats hapless India by 278 runs to win the 2015 Cricket Karbonn 'Yeh Kya Kamaal Ka Cup Hai Bhai' World Cup."

Technique 2: If you must, on the rare occasion, criticise India, immediately make it clear that things are much, much, much worse in Pakistan. Do not be perturbed if you cannot find similar shortcomings in the enemy country. Any fault will do nicely for the purpose of narrative balance.

Illustration: "This week the eighth edition of the Indian Premier League kicked off in Pune. With two weeks of matches still left in the seventh edition of the Indian Premier League, this leaves several players in precarious positions. For instance, Mahendra Singh Dhoni is currently coach of the Chennai Super Kings, having retired at the beginning of season seven, but also simultaneously the captain of the Kochi Daredevils since he has returned from retirement this year. (Click here for an interactive slideshow of Pakistani cricketers in English prisons.) The opening ceremony was a glittering affair…"

Technique 3: The final technique is a very old one: the "good journalist-bad journalist" routine. Here you sandwich your legitimate criticism of Indian cricket, cricketers and cricket administration between layers of vague, generic praise. These platitudes act like speed breakers to the readers' high-velocity outrage. Thereby calming and confusing them.

Illustration: "By consistently refusing to adopt technology the BCCI is merely reflecting a broader bull-headed, regressive national tendency in India to resist change, distrust high technology and question everybody's motives for everything. This is remarkable coming from a nation that accounts for over 74,000 Microsoft employees, including Bill Gates. This adamant stand now threatens to create a wide rift in cricket that will cripple it for years. India, the home of AR Rahman, Shilpa Shetty and the Y2K bug, must step up now before it gets too late."

I hope these techniques will help foster warmer relations between foreign cricket media and Indian cricket fans.