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The Heavy Ball

What will happen in cricket in the second half of 2012

Massively important announcements by the ICC, the BCCI and Dhoni. And a tragic event...

Sidin Vadukut
16-Jan-2012
"... And we'll offer any player who comes forward with information regarding match-fixing a medal this big"  •  Associated Press

"... And we'll offer any player who comes forward with information regarding match-fixing a medal this big"  •  Associated Press

In part one of this pulsating two-part preview of the next 12 months of Indian cricket, we covered several ground-breaking cricketing lectures, Tendulkar's slow but steady achievement of that elusive 100th century, Shahid Afridi's on-again off-again cricketing career, and Virat Kohli's ongoing turbulent relationship with spectators.
However, before we embark on a voyage through the next exciting six months, I would like to correct one error in the first part of this preview. I said that India would start the year with victory in the third Test, in Perth. I also said that several frontline Indian batsmen, except Sachin Tendulkar, would score centuries. However, my notes now indicate that this will happen in the fourth Test. My mistake.
And finally, several readers wrote in to point out that my preview focused excessively on India and not enough on the other cricket-playing nations. I would like to state my thanks to these readers for their kind words.
And now, without further ado:
July
The second half of the year bursts into frenetic action with the latter half of the Australia tour of England and the first half of the South Africa tour of England. And vice versa.
However, one glance at the schedule is enough to confirm the widespread feeling that teams from outside the subcontinent are destroying the very fabric of the sport. While England conspire to play four ODIs against Australia in the first ten days of July, the rest of the month sees them play merely one Test against South Africa. Pitiable indeed.
Meanwhile, the English and Australian media try to spin the series as some kind of unofficial world championship of cricket. But their hopes are dashed when the five-match ODI series (Shameful! Sellouts!) ends in a 1-1 deadlock, with the remaining games being called off due to rain.
"Given this inconclusive result," Michael Vaughan later tweets with great humility: "India continue to be legitimate world champions of the sport." Vaughan follows this by interacting with many Indian fans in a cordial atmosphere.
The first Test between England and South Africa ends in chaos moments after the start of play. After Andrew Strauss wins the toss and elects to bat, the announcer at The Oval informs that "the South Africans will now field". At which point all 22 players come out onto the ground. Frustrated, umpire Aleem Dar then asks Strauss "to please remove all your countrymen". At which point, all 22 go back. In the ensuing chaos the match is called off and India's position on top of the Test table remains unchanged.
August
In an otherwise lean month for cricket, world attention is drawn to a hastily organised press conference by the ICC's Anti-Corruption and Security Unit. At the meeting, the head of the ACSU, Ronnie Flanagan, announces that the watchdog has adopted groundbreaking new techniques to keep a much closer eye on corruption. "Since June", he reveals, "we have implemented comprehensive and systematic daily Google email alerts on both office and personal email ids for any results on Google for the search terms 'cricket fixing' and 'cricket match-fixing'. Nothing has come up so far."
Flanagan goes on to reiterate: "We have tried it with and without using the '+' sign between words. So far, nothing."
While terming the move a step in the right direction, the BCCI cautions the ICC against depending too much on technology. Deputy under-secretary Niranjan Patel-Shah said: "What if Google is down? Or ACSU email account is full?"
After Andrew Strauss wins the toss and elects to bat, the announcer at The Oval informs that "the South Africans will now field". At which point all 22 players come out onto the ground
MS Dhoni closes the month by dropping a bombshell. He tells the Indian media that if he has to play in the World Twenty20 next month, he has no option but to retire from all forms of cricket in 2004.
September
With the World T20 starting this month, once again there is debate about how the shortest format is unrewarding for bowlers.
At a seminar arranged by Chennai-based bowler-benefit charity organisation the Bolradha Bowl Sangam, Ravichandran Ashwin delivers a heartfelt lecture on "Careers and Vocations For Retired Bowlers". "People often tell me that there are many job openings in emerging Indian companies like TCS, Infosys, Wipro, ICICI Bank," Ashwin explains, "but the sad truth is that there is very little in IT for the bowlers..."
At the opening match of the World T20 in Hambantota, Sri Lanka are rattled by injuries. After winning the toss Sri Lanka captain Kulasekara tells Ravi Shastri that while Kulasekara has been picked in favour of Kulasekara, Kulasekara has been dropped because of a strained hamstring. "Instead, Kulasekara comes into the team," he says. "Back to you, Harsha!" says Shastri subsequently.
By the end of the month, halfway through the tournament, the World T20 throws up few surprises. India and South Africa look ominous, while Australia and England continue on the path of slumping form that plagued both teams earlier in 2012. David Warner, Michael Clarke, James Anderson, Stuart Broad, Tim Bresnan and Ian Bell, in particular, have been in terrible form all year.
October
"After a thorough review of all available technology the BCCI has decided to adopt certain DRS systems with immediate effect," says honorary member-secretary and assistant under-treasurer Niranjan Shah-Patel. "Starting with the England tour of India in November, we will be using the proprietary SpotEye technology," he confirms, to considerable relief in worldwide cricketing circles.
The ICC lauds the decision and announces that it has already approached the manufacturers of SpotEye, the Mumbai-based Shah-Patel Sports Technologies Pvt Ltd, to roll out the system the world over.
(Brief pause in column while your columnist watches India's batting during the second innings of the third Test in Perth)
(Columnist returns with the score at 51 for 4)
Shortly before their T20 semi-final an unexplained unstoppable atomic fireball in the dressing room destroys the entire Indian team; coaching staff; support staff; all the BCCI staff; several commentators, including but not limited to Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Gautam Bhimani; the stupid Swami Army, who were waving flags outside; and even that irritating fellow who comes to every India match in body paint!
Tendulkar, who was not a part of the T20 squad, is left unharmed.
Indian fans deal with the event with great equanimity: "This is terrible. But it is a good opportunity for Ajinkya Rahane."
South Africa win the World Twenty20.
Under the tragic circumstances the ICC and the national boards see no point in continuing with the rest of the events in the annual calendar.
The Indian government indefinitely bans all cricket. The ban extends to any mention of the sport in newspapers, television channels, social networks, or even in public conversation.
It is a tragic, but on the whole satisfying, way for the year to end. As an Indian cricket fan I look forward to it very much.

Sidin Vadukut is the managing editor of Livemint.com and the author of the novel Dork: The Incredible Adventures of Robin 'Einstein' Varghese. He blogs at Domain Maximus.

All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?