Sledging 101

From Suraj Menon, United Kingdom
This is from Chris Broad's ruling on Gambhir. Hopefully a ban will make him realise he cannot strike another player, EVER. I am not going to go into why anyone over the age of ten needs to use emphasis like that, nor into Broad's bizarre warping of the 'If you can't take it, don't give it' rule to 'If you can't take it, don't give it back'. Nope, today's moan is about why in today's world, the rules regarding behaviour of cricketers seems to primarily address Western sensitivities, and not Eastern ones.

A hypothetical rule 'Light contact between players is fine, for example, nudging, shoving, elbowing (over the belt), maybe a light slap, but under no circumstances can you insult a player's parents, EVER.' This may sound bizarre, or even funny to some, but I know many people from the subcontinent who would not find anything too wrong with that rule (except maybe that emphasis).

When the Indian team complained about an Aussie player calling them 'bastards' during 'Bhajjigate', it first seemed like a bad joke, a distasteful tit-for-tat manoeuvre. But when you think about it, any derogatory remark about parents or spouses is quite offensive to people from India, particularly when it comes from people they don't know or like. I can't imagine going to someone like Kumble and questioning his parentage without feeling like I've done something very, very bad.

But Gambhir gets suspended because he took things to 'another level'. Why should the Western definition of 'another level' be addressed but not the Eastern one? The Aussies baiting of Gambhir till something had to give reminds me of Samuel L. Jackson smirking in the movie Shaft: 'Oh there you go, you just touched me! That's assaulting a police officer. You're under arrest'. (OK, I just admitted to watching the Shaft remake but let's not go there.) So which side is right? Who is stuck up and needs to lighten up? Does it matter? I don't blame the Aussie players, they are playing by the rules. It is just that the rules suit them more than others.

I believe the ICC Code of Conduct - Spirit of Cricket-whatever thingy needs to be overhauled to represent the sensitivities of all the cultures represented in the game. But this cannot work in a one-size-fits-all manner. For example a ban on the word 'bastard' will result in the entire Aussie team being suspended. Nope, there need to be very clear cut and customized rules for what one set of people can say to another.

Here are two that I can think of, would love to see more suggestions. 1. Never call a black man a monkey, especially if you are not black. Go ahead and call an Indian one, he will probably take that to be a comparison to the god Hanuman, and will then buy you a bottle of scotch, after having hit a century/ taken a five-for. (If he looks angry, repeat to make sure he doesn't think you're talking about his mother.) 2. Never physically touch Aussie players. But feel free to discuss the sexual exploits of their wives and /or parents, just make sure they are cancer-free.