The Heavy Ball

The IPL movie, unexpected hair, and a team voyeur

Our omnipresent, indefatigable source brings you more choice quotes from the tournament

30-Apr-2009
Kris Srikkanth, India's chairman of selectors, attends his first selection meeting, Mumbai, October 1, 2008

"If you don't leave me alone, I'll talk like a parody of a South Indian"  •  AFP

Though the IPL has lacked the widespread success of last year's edition, the tournament's marketing juggernaut rolls on with more innovations and new ideas.
The IPL will soon become the first sports league in the world to have an official movie. Sources have revealed that a deal has been signed with a major Bollywood production house. "We always said that the IPL brings cricket and Bollywood together, but this is totally awesome," said a typically over-enthusiastic studio executive. "It will surely be a blockbuster hit, even if most of the seats are empty. Just like the real IPL," he added.
The IPL movie has apparently assembled a star-studded ensemble cast, and will feature Shah Rukh Khan as Shah Rukh Khan, Preity Zinta as Preity Zinta, Aamir Khan as Gautam Gambhir, Vladimir Putin as Nasser Hussain, John C Reilly as Virender Sehwag, Matt Damon as Albie Morkel, and Kamal Hassan as everyone else. The music will, thankfully, not be scored by Sivamani.
There are also plans to release a DVD compilation of the post-match shows, featuring Sameer Kochchar and Arun Lal, as a comedy series. The idea of introducing a laugh track was abandoned when it was found that it would have to cover the entire length of the show.
With the first round of matches nearly done, the IPL has had some stunning reversals of fortune from season one.
The Deccan Chargers, after having finished with the wooden spoon last year, have stormed to the top of the table, while last year's finalists, the Chennai Super Kings, are languishing near the bottom. "It's all part of the unpredictability of the IPL," said IPL commissioner Lalit Modi. "Who'd have thought CSK would start so badly? Who'd have thought we could move the tournament to South Africa? Who'd have thought Harsha Bhogle would have hair?" he added excitedly, before leaving to continue blazing a pioneering trail by becoming the first sports administrator to sign autographs for an adoring public.
The Chennai Super Kings were faced with a minor controversy when some people objected to the Indian chairman of selectors, K Srikkanth, also functioning as the team's brand ambassador. However, Srikkanth himself quickly cleared up the issue, saying, quite sensibly, "What's the problem? Which other brand ambassador would you rather have picking the national team? Akshay Kumar?" The reporters gathered made a quick exit, before Srikkanth could break into either his trademark Hindi, or a cheery song.
Meanwhile, the always interesting Kolkata Knight Riders have reportedly invited New Zealand coach Andy Moles as an "observer" to, er, observe the team's methods. Moles has claimed he is with KKR to learn about how to achieve success in the Twenty20 format, and to help New Zealand prepare for the upcoming Twenty20 world cup. "New Zealand has plenty in common with the KKR. A New Zealander as captain. Lack of success. Predominantly black uniforms. Absolutely no help from John Buchanan," said Moles with a sly wink. "More than 'observer', perhaps I should be called 'voyeur', since I'm basically here to watch KKR getting *&%$#," he added a bit naughtily.
The past few days have also seen many notable happenings, such as Yusuf Pathan's amazing hitting, Paul Collingwood's patient sitting, Brendon McCullum's impending quitting, and Shilpa Shetty performing the curiously impressive feat of crossing every part of her body to help her team win.
Rumours that next year's tournament will feature a team consisting entirely of those creepy Vodafone critters are rumoured to be false.