May 17, 2013

Bowlers speak out

Samantha Pendergrast
The hardest workers on the field react to the spot-fixing scandal


Presspersons and fans,

We, the bowlers, the chaps who break our backs to make a lump of cork and leather move like an extra on Step Up Revolution, would like to make a statement regarding the recent spot-fixing scandal that has rocked the IPL.

Sucks boo, to you batsmen and anyone who ever said cricket was a batsman's game! Batsman's game? Did you see what happened? It's bowlers who control a game and bowlers who manipulate it. All you clowns with your giant bats, mega-sixes and obscene strike-rates aren't even on the bookies' radar. You're unwanted like yesterday's news. Undesirable like a Facebook photo that actually shows a face.

So next time, don't feel too pleased when you manage to score 20 runs in an over. That would be the result of some cannily loose bowling. Last-ball six to win the game? Thank a well-disguised dolly. Dived into the crease to avoid being run out by a millimetre? A marvellous sleight of hand. Didn't make it to the XI because the captain picked five bowlers? Who do you think told him about the "naughty texts" you may or may not have sent to his girlfriend?

We are all-powerful. If Sartre had been a cricket fan, he'd have gone over to the side of determinism. If Vito Corleone had watched cricket, he'd have wiped out the other four families and taken sole control of organised crime in New York. If IPL franchise owners ever watch cricket, they'll know not to waste their dollars on useless batsmen.

Fear us, because while we often make you look good, we can also make you look like mere pawns in the game of life.

Note from our psychiatrists/lawyers: This is just a macho, egoistical rant stemming from years of unfair portrayal and ridicule. None of it is admissible in a court of law.