Why cricketers shouldn't celebrate like footballers

One of the reasons cricket is known as the gentleman's game is because it cannot, in good conscience, be called the beautiful game. And the reason it can't is that cricketers just aren't as good-looking, of course. Which is why it's very important that cricketers not try and celebrate like footballers do. Because, unlike their more glamorous counterparts, they simply can't pull it off.

In fact, they should never, ever pull it off. Certainly not in the manner that Aditya Tare took it upon himself to do after the knockout game against Rajasthan Royals, when in what will surely be remembered as the most gruesomely definitive footballing celebration gone wrong on a cricket pitch in recent times, he lifted up his jersey, presenting for the viewing pleasure of millions on TV an abdomen that can perhaps best be described as a "one-pack" (uni-pack?). He also managed to somehow get his shirt hooked around his head in such a manner that it covered his face. Team-mates who eventually caught up with him were as much celebrating as desperately trying to cover up the sight.

Tare is by no means the only one guilty of wobbling fleshily above his station. The collective psyche of the game is still struggling to come to terms with the whole Flintoff-Ganguly stripgate saga, widely considered to be the definitive yin and yang of bodily exhibitionism.

What cricketers need to realise is that they are not footballers. If the average centre forward is built like a Greek god, the average batsman would appear to have been blessed with the build of an Anjou pear. As World Cup football season hots up, cricketers will be increasingly tempted to mimic their more glamorous brethren. Here, then, are a few more reasons why they should just leave the sexy (or not, as the case may be) and eccentric celebrating to the footballers:

The heart-hands celebration: You know that annoying heart-shaped-sign thingy that Gareth Bale makes with his hands after he scores? Now imagine Kamran Akmal doing it. Imagine, for that matter, Stuart Broad doing it. Now quickly slap yourself across the face a few times to rid yourself of those images.

The "catch me if you can" celebration: Footballers sometimes like to sprint away from their team-mates after scoring, leading them on a wild goose chase that eventually culminates in an exhausted cuddle. When Piyush Chawla attempted to do the same after he struck the winning runs to help his team lift the IPL on Sunday, he waddled, encumbered by pads, bat in hand, and a physique perhaps not suited to running, let alone outrunning. He lasted all of seven-and-a-half baby steps before he was "caught".

The running-slide celebration: Outfields at cricket grounds are generally not as lush and velvety as football fields are, so attempting the slide is always fraught with danger, especially, it would seem, to the continued wearing of one's pants.

The "why always me" celebration: If a cricketer were to pull up his jersey to reveal a printed t-shirt underneath, a la Mario Balotelli, he would likely face severe repercussions, first and foremost for failing to have the sponsor's name appear alongside said message in bigger and brighter letters.

The "in your face" celebration: Also known as the "suck on this" celebration. Sometimes footballers will in their celebrations attempt to caricature something they feel they have been wrongly accused of. For example, Luis Suarez (and Jurgen Klinsmann before him) has been known on occasion to "dive" while celebrating, in response to being accused of the same. Similarly, Samuel Eto'o recently mimed the gait of an elderly man after scoring a goal, in response to his coach's talk of his advancing age. And yet somehow one gets the feeling that Saeed Ajmal mimicking a javelin thrower in Stuart Broad's face after getting him out, or Dave Warner shadow-boxing Joe Root all the way back to the pavilion isn't going to cut it with the third umpire.

The Peter Crouch "Robot" celebration: What's the one thing in the world conceivably worse than seeing England beanpole Peter Crouch doing the robot dance? The cricketing equivalent: Ishant Sharma or Morne Morkel doing the robot dance. As Bart Simpson would have said, had he been a cricket fan: Don't have a stress fracture of the lower back, man.

The running-to-the-corner-flag celebration: Perhaps the most memorable example of this in football is 42-year-old veteran Roger Milla's pole-dancing with the corner flag after each goal he scored for Cameroon in the '90 World Cup. Thankfully, cricketers have no equivalent to run toward, and we can thank our stars for that. If the thought of Pravin Tambe shaking a suggestive leg isn't enough to make you want to count your blessings, then nothing will be.

The group hug/pileathon celebration: Football players like to pile onto each other after a goal has been scored. It's just what they do. Cricketers like to look awkward trying to do the same. The latest case in point being when wicketkeeper Robin Uthappa attempted unsuccessfully to lie atop Piyush Chawla in celebration of the latter taking a vital wicket in the qualifier against Punjab. Uthappa aborted whatever it was he thought he was doing when he realised his helmet was getting in the way of expressing himself properly. In the end he settled for hugging his team-mate awkwardly as he attempted to lift himself off the ground, like a drunken sophisticate greeting another at a soiree.

The "Shh" celebration: Alas, this is another one that has slipped through the cracks from football to cricket. Footballers do it to prove a point to their naysayers when they think they have proved them wrong. Harbhajan Singh does it because… well, why does Harbhajan Singh do it? Someone needs to tell the poor man this is not okay. Especially since he isn't in the national team anymore. I mean, who is he shushing? Himself?

The rock-a-bye-baby celebration: Done in football to signify a scorer having recently become (or who is soon to become) a parent. There'd be nothing wrong with cricketers doing the same, of course, except for maybe in South Asia, where, given the massive deal such a joyous event is usually held up to be, it wouldn't end with just that one gesture. There would a full-fledged baby shower, replete with pink and blue ribbons, thoughtful gifts, and a truckload of relatives and well-wishers lining up with little envelopes in their hands. No.