Feature

A brief neighbourly visit

Dialogue from a one-way conversation that may or may not have happened

Brydon Coverdale
Brydon Coverdale
11-Feb-2016
Australia in New Zealand for a Test series: reality or mirage?  •  Getty Images

Australia in New Zealand for a Test series: reality or mirage?  •  Getty Images

Hello Australia, lovely to see you!
Thanks for having us Kiwis earlier in the summer, but it's so long since you've been here for a proper visit. Ricky Ponting still Test captain like he was last time? Oh, Michael Clarke took over you say - how's his team look? Oh, he's gone too? Steven Smith, really? That young leggie who came last time? But he hadn't even debuted then!
Well now, how long must it be... four years? Five? Six, you say? How time flies. Was it really 2010? What have you been up to since then? Oh really? Two Test tours to England? And two to India? And two to South Africa? Even two to the West Indies? Gosh, you have been busy, no wonder you couldn't find time to hop across the ditch for a couple of Tests.
No, no it's fine, don't apologise, we're all busy - some more than others.
Where's that Ryan Harris fellow who debuted on the last tour? Retired, you say? But he has only just started! You do have that Nathan Hauritz, though, the offie? Oh, it's a different one? Nathan Lyon, you say? New chap, is he? No, get out of town! He's played 52 Tests? And this David Warner character is playing his 50th? And he's the vice-captain?
Oh, Australia, you should have brought them to visit sooner!
So, what else has happened since you were here last? Kevin Rudd still running things? Oh, Julia Gillard got in, did she? Good for her. Oh, he didn't, did he? No, I'll bet she wasn't. And then he lost it to Tony Abbott? And then Malcolm Turnbull took it from Tony? Dear oh dear, it's so hard to keep up! Well, call us boring but John Key was good enough for us in 2010 and he's good enough for us in 2016.
Yes, Brendon's fine, thanks for asking, though he's about to move on to other things. You only just made it in time to see him. He'd just played his 50th Test when you were last here, now he's all grown up and about to play his 100th. Makes you think, doesn't it. Time does just fly by.
Anyway, now you're here, would you like a drink and a bite to eat? A flat white and a pavlova, maybe? We do them quite well, if we do say so ourselves. Oh, really? Yes, well, we'll have to agree to disagree on that. How about a Lemon & Paeroa, you can't claim that one - the clue's in the name.
Oh, that reminds us, Luke Ronchi sends his regards.
What, you can't stay? You don't have to rush off so soon, surely? But you only just got here! You'll only get to see Wellington and Christchurch! We'd be happy to show you Dunedin, too. Or Napier. Much greener and softer than Blacktown, the boys won't get hurt at all. A bit more like Allan Border Field - or at least, so we hear, we wouldn't really know ourselves.
No, no, of course, we understand. Yes, we always enjoy it too, the boys always have such good fun. We really must do it more often. Don't be such strangers next time! Pop in any time, we'd love to have you. Remember, we're just around the corner.
Oh, before you dash off, we were just wondering... that trophy you brought, are you taking that with you? It would look quite nice next to that Chappell-Hadlee one on the mantelpiece. We'd be happy to mind it...

Brydon Coverdale is an assistant editor at ESPNcricinfo. @brydoncoverdale